Journaling and Grief Process
Regular brief journaling may be helpful in your grief and horror regarding significant personal losses of self and/or others. Here are the various ways it may be helpful to you.
- Writing and reading about your personal loss experience may help you to make sense of the process, and at the same time guide you gently on that path.
- Journaling may open up past and present realities – both positive and negative – about your loss experience.
- At times anger, resentments, and regrets will come up. These realities open you up to the depth of the grief experience. Do not linger too long there!
- S. Kierkegard reminded us that our lived experiences are processed forwardly, but better understood if observed backwards. Journaling helps to focus us on the present but never lets go fully of the past.
- It may be important to you to make your personal journal more balanced with both negative and positive experiences. For example, it may be helpful to list all simple pleasures you experienced in any given day. It may also be a good idea not to linger emotionally too long when such experiences trigger negative states.
- I have always found it helpful to list my personal gratitudes, even in the midst of painful loss and suffering. It is not uncommon for the most valued experiences to be linked with the lost love-object and your shared life.
- If fear and trepidation occur as you move through the grief process, I suggest that you break down the scary moments into smaller, more manageable periods of time, space, and emotions.
- Pay attention to and write about both helpful and unhelpful thoughts, emotions, behaviors, and sensations related to your grief process. Be aware keenly of small improvements in all.
- You may notice that as you slowly heal you spend less time journaling. This is natural.
- You may wish to do “grave worship” practices, or simply write many good things about the lost person.
- V. Frankl noted that when we cannot change the reality of a situation, we may have to change ourself.
- When you find yourself crying over your loss, that is a very good time to contemplate and do journaling.
- Reading related poetry or writing your own may help you.
- If and when you experience the emptiness of the void inside, do your best to find words for the experience. And, work to fill that void by re-engaging with your life as it is now.
- It is always a good idea to develop and practice personal rituals about your healing. Write about this in your journal.
- S. Becket reminded us that we must go on! As painful as it may be, we cannot stop the process.
- As P. Chodron noted, we must allow it all to fall apart before we can find the resilience to face what comes next. In most situations, what comes next is slow improvement in your emotional condition.
- Rest in peace with your breath, and do more meditation or yoga if that suits you well.
- You may wish to visit optionb.org or other sites that support grief work.
Refer to Sandberg, S. and Grant, A. (2017). Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy. New York: A. A. Knopf, pp. 58-76.
Anthony R. Quintiliani, PhD., LADC
From the Eleanor R. Liebman Center for Secular Meditation in Monkton, Vermont and the Home of The Monkton Sangha
Author of Mindful Happiness
“technologize” is not a popularly accepted word, but it is a sad reality. We live in a time when texting while driving may become the new addiction-based cause for many, many deaths. This addiction is so strong people do it in situations that could case their injury or death, or the injury or death of others. Sound familiar! It should. Cellphone “abuse” is not so different from the plans of cigarette producers to “hook” us on something we will pay for during many years. So here is a partial list of what people tend to do when faced with severe stressors.
– even from ourselves. We feel something is very wrong in this moment, and we allow separateness to pull us into a frenzied effort to escape pain and suffering. At such times our most deeply hidden negative self-views strengthen and dominate. We will do almost anything to escape the aloneness and self-alienation. Endless impulses to seek what is wrong and forget what is right take over our emotional lives. It is at such times of strong emotional challenge that we need to take refuge in the Buddha, the Dharma, and the Sangha. Tara Brach’s creation of the RAIN process is a huge leap in a sane direction. According to Brach, RAIN helps us overcome tendencies to activate the “second arrow” of suffering; our second arrows are caused by unhelpful thoughts, feelings, emotions, body sensations, and behaviors related to the “first arrow.” The first arrow is the original event or experience that caused our pain and suffering. Often our reactivity to it makes matters worse – we suffer more in our own minds and bodies. Below I will review the RAIN process and make additional comments on its usefulness and versatility in ongoing self-care and emotional self-regulation. The practice of RAIN skills is appropriate for all people – helpers and helpees.
cognition, emotion, behavior and sensory contact with all phenomena are fully engaged in evaluation of everything: did I get what I wanted and avoid suffering for now or not? This is the hedonic treadmill of lived attachment and avoidance. Cognitive-Behavioral analytics ends up in the same place over and over again: short-term pleasure (getting what I want for now) and longer-term suffering (fear of losing it or being involved in more emotional pain). This state of constant seeking (how many “likes” do I have?) tricks us into thinking that this time, it will work. We seek safety, security, and various forms of wealth; we expect to achieve these goals and to avoid as much suffering as possible. This is impossible, since the seeking and attaching itself eventually causes more personal suffering. We humans have very short memories when it comes to the realities of pleasure and pain, happiness and suffering. Our emotional striving to be perfect and get ahead often leave us with just more desire. The sad fact is that no matter how successful we are in accumulating all the goodies, we tend to continue our suffering sometimes in different forms.
self. It does not change even when the content of experience does change. Become your observing self in a state of pure awareness without judging or evaluating. In the evolutionary process, clinging is one of the most primal actions. The “vapor of thoughts” along with strong attachment clinging causes our norms to be related to our false self – with its entitlement, feeling special as a defense, greed, anger, even hatred. Just STOP all of this process as much as you can; focus on who/what you are at the deepest most spiritual levels. Who am I is the eternal and most important question. As you meditate and do yoga, concentrate on radically accepting everything that has happened to you and may still be happening to you. This does not mean stand by and allow yourself to be abused by cruel people; however, it does mean to pay very acute attention to what experiences trigger your ego-defenses and negative reactions in thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. How much control over your emotions are you willing to give up to other people? Radically accept as a norm, do your asanas, meditate often, allow your true self to “let go” of the false self”s ego and superego demands. Pursue spiritual practices, be compassionate and generous, and live the life your true self desires for you. This is a life of more inner peace, even tranquility, more happiness, less competition, more love, and DOING good for others. This path is difficult in our materialistic world. The fruits of your efforts will be gratifying! If you practice, you will discover the truth about being a happier, more lovable person.
and there is nothing you can do about it; this is pure suffering, and it is painful. However what you decide to have your mind, body and emotions do with the first arrow of suffering is called the second arrow. This very sharply pointed arrow can lead to long-term, even life-long suffering about something you failed to radically accept and let go. Become an expert in perceiving the initial activity of your second arrows, and STOP as soon as possible. At this point you may apply RAIN – recognize what if happening; accept it; investigate causation; and, apply no-self or if less skilled “its not about me attitudes.” These follow-up practices should be very helpful to you in your effort to become a more calm and more happy person.
may be warning signs of limbic surveillance or inner continuity of your inner self-helper – that part of you and your brain that hopes to help you in whatever the situation you are experiencing. Interoceptive awareness is one of the most important mindfulness skills to practice. In the following meditation, we will visit your interoceptive self and augment its power by repeated the practice. In neuroscience a common understanding is that the larger number of neurons activated in more and more brain areas implies the variant of power (potentiation); more neuron firing in more brain areas results in a more significant life experience. This is one reason why PTSD is such a devastating disorder, and why it is NOT easy to treat successfully. Also, let us not forget the ultimate power of LOVE; people gives their lives for it, and people kill others over it. Let’s get into the practice.