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January 22, 2021 By Admin

Loss, Grief and Suffering in America

Loss, Grief and Suffering in America

By Anthony R. Quintiliani, Ph.D., LADC

Other than our nation’s suffering during The Civil War, The Great Depression, and World War II this past year has been one of the most stress-filled, fear-filled times in our history. Here is a list of the reasons behind it all: the COVID-19 pandemic, racial injustice, legal reactivity, massive unemployment, loss of housing, quarantines, closed schools and colleges, powerful political demonstrations, and a “president” who betrayed his trust and incited riotous violence against the Capital of the United States. Also a “president” who has been impeached not once but twice by The U.S. House of Representatives. What a year!

Types of Loss, Grief and Suffering

Along with the above, we have witnessed increased anxiety, depression, fear, anger and traumatic stress. Although death (loss of a loved one) is by far one of the most severe stressors, we also suffer from the virus, separation/divorce, developmental stress, incarceration, and the loss of the way of life in pre-COVID-19. Americans are suffering from various bio-psycho-social-spiritual dimensions of stress, loss and grief. Perhaps the correct words to use are “complicated grief.” Our current experiences with loss and grief go far beyond the stage-based versions of E. Kubler Ross; our current complex grief does not follow neat linear progressions, and includes more serious symptoms. For those who also experienced childhood trauma of various forms or developmental regressions the current experience is more exasperating and dangerous. When loss is catastrophic reactions may include nightmares, shame, guilt, regret, hopelessness and suicide. Cultural differences also play roles in loss and grief as well as its treatment. Therapists must also be aware of the influence of race, gender, sexual orientation, and age.

Treatments for Loss and Complex Grief

Treatments for loss and complex grief are many, but with varying levels of success. Matching treatments to client characteristics, and developing a powerful clinical alliance are important for therapeutic success. Below, I list (only) various treatments, most supported by empirical research and practice. I will leave it you the reader to look more deeply into treatments or interventions they may prefer. Here is the list: Trauma-Informed Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, Mindfulness-Based therapies/practices (breath work, meditation, yoga, tai chi, qi-gong and MBSR or ACT), Continued Bonds Theory – the changed internal relationship with the lost person, and Attachment-Informed Grief Therapy – utilizing attachment styles of secure, insecure, anxious or avoidant.

Many therapeutic interventions may be helpful: social-emotional support, recovery journaling, music, exercise, imagery, play therapy, and sand tray work. Generally especially strong empathy is required. Self-care of the therapist is a must. Using Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs may be helpful.  Other active interventions include empty-chair work (sitting in the “worry chair” or the lost person chair), self-talk or out-loud talk using stimulus words like relax, breathe, not me, etc. Social networking with new people in groups is often helpful. Improving client self-care and participating in activities associated with joy or satisfaction moves the mind to other things.

In the end, if so many various interventions fail to meet needs, people should consider joining a formal, therapeutic bereavement group. Loss is emotionally tough, and recovery requires complete emotional activation.

For more information refer to: comments of A. Bodner, Ph.D. in The New England Psychologist, p. 2 (Winter, 2021). Hanlon, P. (2021). The Many Faces of Complicated Grief. The New England Psychologist, pp. 1 & 4 (Winter, 2021). Cormier, S. The Transformative Power of Loss. Psychotherapy Networker,  pp. 17-18 (January-February, 2021). Cacciatore, J. (2020). Grieving is Loving: Compassionate Words for Bearing the Unbearable. Boston, Wisdom Publications, pp. 1-8.

Anthony R. Quintiliani, PhD., LADC

From the Eleanor R. Liebman Center for Secular Meditation in Monkton, VermontChiYinYang_EleanorRLiebmanCenter

Author of Mindful Happiness  

Mindful Happiness cover designs.indd

New Edition of Mindful Happiness in Production…Coming soon!

Filed Under: Coping, Covid-19, E.Kubler-Ross, Featured, Grief, Happiness, Healing, Human Needs, Inner Peace, Joy and Suffering, Personal Suffering, Practices, Relational Suffering, Self Care, Suffering, Tools, Treatment Tagged With: AMERICA, COPING, COVID19, E. KUBLER-ROSS, EMOTIONAL, GRIEF, HOPE, JOURNALING, JOY, LOSS, LOVING, MINDFUL, MINDFUL HAPPINESS, MINDFULNESS, PRACTICES, SELF, SOCIAL, SUFFERING, THERAPISTS, TREATEMENTS, TREATMENT

September 29, 2019 By Admin

Self-Care to Reduce Compassion Fatigue

Self-Care to Reduce Compassion Fatigue

First let’s begin with what some people do to counteract the stressors of living in a hurried,“over-technologized” world. Technically, “technologize” is not a popularly accepted word, but it is a sad  reality. We live in a time when texting while driving may become the new addiction-based cause for many, many deaths. This addiction is so strong people do it in situations that could case their injury or death, or the injury or death of others. Sound familiar! It should. Cellphone “abuse” is not so different from the plans of cigarette producers to “hook” us on something we will pay for during many years. So here is a partial list of what people tend to do when faced with severe stressors.

What people tend to do that does NOT improve their stress reactivity long-term:

  1. “Smoke and Coke” – a phrase referring to smoking nicotine and drinking sugary soft-drinks when you cannot cope well and feel dragged down with your stressful life and want to feel stimulated.
  2. Of course there is always excessive alcohol and/or drug use as self-medication.
  3. Sleeping – too little or too much, including late onset and too early awakening.
  4. Eating – too little or too much, and may include binging and purging.
  5. Hoarding for whatever security it brings.
  6. Obsessive compulsive  behaviors – as behaviors for security actions to make us feel better.
  7. Being aggressive when it is not necessary to defend yourself.
  8. Insulating yourself from contact with others.
  9. Living under a “victimhood” self-identification. This can change everything!
  10. Participating in self-harming behaviors to activate neurologic, chemical and hormonal changes in your brain and body.
  11. Engagement in unsafe sexual activities to feel “excitement” and/or “loved.”
  12. Spending too much time online or on my “I-Smart” phone. The phone becomes your life!
  13. Doing too much exercise, especially when injuries occur.
  14. Being a person of uncontrollable empathy – a clear boundary issue that wares you out.
  15. Making your job too much of your life – workaholism or compensation for poor self-esteem?
  16. Making do with professional, work stagnation.
  17. Remaining stuck in impaired practices – the most common one being emotional dysregulation.

What people can do that does improve stress reactivity and may even increase joy in life:

  1. Taking brief breaks from the “grind” of work.
  2. Recognizing and contemplating personal gratitude for what you DO have.
  3. Noticing and correcting unhelpful thoughts, emotions, behaviors and communications.
  4. Learning to hold a positive, optimistic mindset and attitude.
  5. Liberating yourself from “stuckness” in anxiety, depression, addictions, and trauma. This most often requires professional help and/or self-help.
  6. Cutting way back on your online time. Researchers suggest anything beyond 3-4 hours/day is a habitual pattern. What do our jobs, schools and parents contribute to the habitual tendencies of habit-forming digital/electronic devices?
  7. Ignoring FOMO!
  8. Spending time reading, writing,  journaling about helpful things.
  9. Spending time listening and/or playing music.
  10. Spending time dancing and/or doing regular exercise.
  11. Spending time doing regular practice of meditation, yoga, tai chi, qi gong, mindful walking.
  12. Petting your dog or cat – or horse. Looking into their eyes when they allow it.
  13. Spending time walking in nature.
  14. Learning to give/get social-emotional support.
  15. Learning to leave work at work – learn to build emotional boundaries.
  16. Practice limit-setting regarding your boundaries and what you do to help others.
  17. Making a firm commitment to improve your wellness.
  18. Taking part in constructive self-reflection.
  19. Paying more attention to positives ( natural for the brain to do the opposite).
  20. Helpful nutrition, sleep and exercise practices.
  21. Learn to play more; learn to be active in creative expression.
  22. Participating in regular spiritual practices.
  23. Spending more quality time with loved ones and good friends when helpful.
  24. Leaving some time to just be in quiet, silent solitude.
  25. Seeking professional help as soon as you “feel” you MAY need it, or when others who care about you “think” you need it.

You will notice that the helpful list is longer than the unhelpful list. However, the unhelpful behaviors are often more automatic, and the helpful behaviors REQUIRE considerable effort to carry out. Your wellness must be a priority for you.

For more information refer to Bray, B. (2019). Counselors as human beings not superheroes. Counseling Today (October, 2019), 18-25

Anthony R. Quintiliani, PhD., LADC  

From the Eleanor R. Liebman Center for Secular Meditation in Monkton, Vermont and the Home of The Monkton SanghaChiYinYang_EleanorRLiebmanCenter

Author of Mindful Happiness  

Mindful Happiness cover designs.indd

New Edition of Mindful Happiness in Production…Coming soon!

 

Filed Under: ANTHONY QUINTILIANI, Calming, Compassion Fatigue, Destructive Emotions, Emotions, Featured, Inner Peace, Interventions, Mindful Awareness, MIndfulness, Recovery, Self -Kindness, Self Care, Self Compassion, Stress Reduction, Success, Tools, True Self, Well Being Tagged With: ANTHONY QUINTILIANI, COMPASSION, MINDFUL HAPPINESS, MINDFULNESS, STRESS REDUCTION

December 31, 2017 By Admin

Mindfulness & Happiness – Tools

Mindfulness & Happiness – Tools

In this post I will provide basic instructions for several mind-body practices that allow calm equanimity both at rest and in action.  We will cover RAIN, RAINDROP, Cloud Journeying, Gratitude, Tapping, and other Body-Based practices.

  1. RAIN (Tara Brach) – This simple to use approach helps you to maintain a cognitive focus, thus reducing limbic system reactivity. Simply say to yourself: “RAIN.” R is for recognition of what you are experiencing right now, right here. A is for radically accepting that you cannot simply avoid it; it is happening to you so you must accept it in this present moment. I is for investigate/interest. Bring sincere interest to the experience and investigate what is happening and why it is happening. N is for non-identification or no-self. Is this happening to me or just happening with me in the environment. After the RAIN analysis, simply breathe calmly and quiet down your emotional system. Think: “What should I do right now?”  Do it! See what happens.
  2. RAINDROP (Michele McDonald) – Add to RAIN by cognitively considering if you are: (D) Distracted or aware of recognition, (R) Resisting or accepting, (O) Oblivious or interested/investigating, and (P) Personalizing or non-identifying? Stop the DROPs.
  3. Cloud Journeying (Mariam Gates & Sarah Jane Hinder) – Lying down comfortably with hands placed gently by your sides, breathe in and out slowly and deeply. Close your eyes and slightly extend your exhalation for 10 breaths. Keep the length and force of the exhalation steady for all ten breaths.
  4. Now allow yourself to imagine being lifted gently, floating into the air safely. Use your imagination and land yourself gently in any environment/place you desire your mind-body to be. Feel the peace and equanimity as your breathe deeply and slowly at that selected location. Rest there in your mind!  Check to see if your emotional condition has improved.
  5. Deep Gratitude (David Whyte) – Rest, breathe calmly, and allow yourself to have gratitude for the simple things in your life. Have an inner conversation, in which you say sub-vocally “Thank you” for…… Repeat this process until you note at least ten simple things you do have right now in your life. Go deeper; appreciate the sacredness of your cherished human life. Breathe calmly and rest.
  6. Body Tapping – Callahan Technique or EFT (Amy Kurtz) – If trained to do so, try this tapping sequence. Take a few breaths and do your best to decide what emotional experience you wish to clear out of your reactive mind and body. For example “I am anxious.” Now begin your phrase or mantra: “Even though I am anxious, I love and accept myself.” Now with 2-3 finger tips tap on each of the following meridian points about 8 times and say your mantra out loud as you tap. Here is the point tapping sequence: a) softer side of hands between wrist and small finger; b) the spot where your inner eyebrows begin; c) outside of the eyes  next to the side of each eye; d) upper part of eye sockets below the middle of the eye; e) center space between nose and upper lip; f) indented spot on chin below lower lip; g) the spot an inch below the lower edge of the breastbone next to your throat indentation; h) 3-4 inches below arm pits at  at softer but dense area; and, i) the center of the crown of your head.  Evaluate your emotional condition, and  repeat this tapping sequence as needed. If things become worse, seek professional help. Remember, our emotions are very powerful human experiences.
  7. BE Your True Self (M. A. Singer, etc.) – Some key ways to counteract typical negative emotional habit formations are listed below. a) Recognize that your true spiritual self is the opposite of your ego-defensive, reactive self; b) mindfully recognize what part of your self is unhappy/disturbed when things do not go the way you want them to go; c) notice your defensive-ego, self-ideal protectiveness when you engage in repetitive, emotionally reactive thoughts, emotions, and behaviors – almost always stimulated by external events; d) understand that our brain and body are built to seek pleasure and avoid pain (Freud) and to respond to external experiences with pleasant or unpleasant internal “feeling” responses (The Buddha); e) Get into the cognitive habit of reframing all negative reactions – seek what alternative interpretation might apply; f) Note that when you live emotionally in the past, certain suppressed/repressed experiences stay alive emotionally in you; g) Recognize that when you live fearing the future, you again trap yourself in a negative expectancy syndrome; and, h) Practice this – breathe calmly, relax your body, do yoga and meditate, walk, calms your reactive thoughts, emotions, and behaviors – and consciously LET GO of the experiential reaction over and over and over again. Make this your practice. Things may improve.
  8. The Six Best Friends (The Buddha, etc.) – Whenever you experience pain and suffering, try this psycho-physiological intervention. Do these six things in a cycle; see if your inner experience improves. You may need to repeat the process. Smile, Breathe calmly and deeply, Sit, Stand still, Move your body, Walk a while, then try lying down for a couple minutes.  Repeat as needed. Feeling any better?

There are many sources for these suggestions. The 6th item is based somewhat on Live Interview: M. A. Singer on The Untethered Soul…New Harbinger and Non-Duality Press. Retrieved 12-11-17.

Anthony R. Quintiliani, PhD., LADC

From the Eleanor R. Liebman Center for Secular Meditation in Monkton, Vermont and the Home of The Monkton SanghaChiYinYang_EleanorRLiebmanCenter

Author of Mindful Happiness  

Mindful Happiness cover designs.indd

New Edition of Mindful Happiness in Production…Coming soon!

Filed Under: ANTHONY QUINTILIANI, Featured, Happiness, MIndfulness, MIndfulness Activities, Tools Tagged With: BE YOUR TRUE SELF, BODY TAPPING, CLOUD JOURNEYING, DEEP GRATITUDE, MINDFUL & HAPPINESS TOOLS, MINDFUL HAPPINESS, RAIN, RAINDROP, TOOLS TO MINDFULNESS

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