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Anthony Quintiliani, Ph.D, LADC

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January 22, 2021 By Admin

Loss, Grief and Suffering in America

Loss, Grief and Suffering in America

By Anthony R. Quintiliani, Ph.D., LADC

Other than our nation’s suffering during The Civil War, The Great Depression, and World War II this past year has been one of the most stress-filled, fear-filled times in our history. Here is a list of the reasons behind it all: the COVID-19 pandemic, racial injustice, legal reactivity, massive unemployment, loss of housing, quarantines, closed schools and colleges, powerful political demonstrations, and a “president” who betrayed his trust and incited riotous violence against the Capital of the United States. Also a “president” who has been impeached not once but twice by The U.S. House of Representatives. What a year!

Types of Loss, Grief and Suffering

Along with the above, we have witnessed increased anxiety, depression, fear, anger and traumatic stress. Although death (loss of a loved one) is by far one of the most severe stressors, we also suffer from the virus, separation/divorce, developmental stress, incarceration, and the loss of the way of life in pre-COVID-19. Americans are suffering from various bio-psycho-social-spiritual dimensions of stress, loss and grief. Perhaps the correct words to use are “complicated grief.” Our current experiences with loss and grief go far beyond the stage-based versions of E. Kubler Ross; our current complex grief does not follow neat linear progressions, and includes more serious symptoms. For those who also experienced childhood trauma of various forms or developmental regressions the current experience is more exasperating and dangerous. When loss is catastrophic reactions may include nightmares, shame, guilt, regret, hopelessness and suicide. Cultural differences also play roles in loss and grief as well as its treatment. Therapists must also be aware of the influence of race, gender, sexual orientation, and age.

Treatments for Loss and Complex Grief

Treatments for loss and complex grief are many, but with varying levels of success. Matching treatments to client characteristics, and developing a powerful clinical alliance are important for therapeutic success. Below, I list (only) various treatments, most supported by empirical research and practice. I will leave it you the reader to look more deeply into treatments or interventions they may prefer. Here is the list: Trauma-Informed Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, Mindfulness-Based therapies/practices (breath work, meditation, yoga, tai chi, qi-gong and MBSR or ACT), Continued Bonds Theory – the changed internal relationship with the lost person, and Attachment-Informed Grief Therapy – utilizing attachment styles of secure, insecure, anxious or avoidant.

Many therapeutic interventions may be helpful: social-emotional support, recovery journaling, music, exercise, imagery, play therapy, and sand tray work. Generally especially strong empathy is required. Self-care of the therapist is a must. Using Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs may be helpful.  Other active interventions include empty-chair work (sitting in the “worry chair” or the lost person chair), self-talk or out-loud talk using stimulus words like relax, breathe, not me, etc. Social networking with new people in groups is often helpful. Improving client self-care and participating in activities associated with joy or satisfaction moves the mind to other things.

In the end, if so many various interventions fail to meet needs, people should consider joining a formal, therapeutic bereavement group. Loss is emotionally tough, and recovery requires complete emotional activation.

For more information refer to: comments of A. Bodner, Ph.D. in The New England Psychologist, p. 2 (Winter, 2021). Hanlon, P. (2021). The Many Faces of Complicated Grief. The New England Psychologist, pp. 1 & 4 (Winter, 2021). Cormier, S. The Transformative Power of Loss. Psychotherapy Networker,  pp. 17-18 (January-February, 2021). Cacciatore, J. (2020). Grieving is Loving: Compassionate Words for Bearing the Unbearable. Boston, Wisdom Publications, pp. 1-8.

Anthony R. Quintiliani, PhD., LADC

From the Eleanor R. Liebman Center for Secular Meditation in Monkton, VermontChiYinYang_EleanorRLiebmanCenter

Author of Mindful Happiness  

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New Edition of Mindful Happiness in Production…Coming soon!

Filed Under: Coping, Covid-19, E.Kubler-Ross, Featured, Grief, Happiness, Healing, Human Needs, Inner Peace, Joy and Suffering, Personal Suffering, Practices, Relational Suffering, Self Care, Suffering, Tools, Treatment Tagged With: AMERICA, COPING, COVID19, E. KUBLER-ROSS, EMOTIONAL, GRIEF, HOPE, JOURNALING, JOY, LOSS, LOVING, MINDFUL, MINDFUL HAPPINESS, MINDFULNESS, PRACTICES, SELF, SOCIAL, SUFFERING, THERAPISTS, TREATEMENTS, TREATMENT

October 22, 2020 By Admin

COVID-19 Means Higher Stress and Emotion Dysregulation

COVID-19 Brings Higher Stress and Emotion Dysregulation

The Book of Job notes “Man is born unto troubles as the sparks fly upward.”

Current stress surveys indicate Americans are stressed out due to COVID-19 concerns, work stress (money needs), imbalance in life-work experience, and lack of support (social, emotional, financial).  The 2020 American Psychological Association national survey of stress in America indicates similar finding. Stress is getting the best of us! Of special concern are the physical, emotional (psychological), and behavioral implication of such high levels of stress reactivity. Higher stress reactivity is particularly recorded in families; stress is also related to educational concerns, basic needs, health care services, and missing out on major developmental milestones of children and youth. In 2019 Americans were experiencing stress levels noted at the 4.9 level; in 2020 that number rose to 5.9.  Now 74% of respondent noted their stress dealt with fears and concerns about coronavirus; this same number had concerns about how the government was responding to this mega-crisis.  Additionally, 71% of respondents noted that managing their child’s education was a major source of increased stress. The concerns and stress do not appear to be highly related to political party affiliations: 63% of Republicans, 67% of Independents, and 73% of Democrats were worried/stressed about coronavirus concerns. Stress appears to be impacting more so on people of color. Hispanic adults noted stress levels between 8 and 10 regarding the virus. When one compares the levels of stress for people of color with whites, there is no doubt people of color are suffering more – having higher levels of stress reactivity: fear of getting the virus 71% vs. 59%; meeting basic needs 61% vs, 47%; and, access to health care services 59% vs. 46%.  For more information Stress in America 2020 may be found at www.apa.org.

Another important reality is COVID-19 fatigue. Johns Hopkins Medicine has published a helpful article about dealing with this reality. The federal government, state governments, hospitals, healthcare workers,  patients, and the general public may be suffering from COVID-19 fatigue. This condition is similar to burnout under high stress conditions.  Important outcomes may be habituation to death, emotional exhaustion, strong fears, auto-pilot routines, reduced energy of health care providers, and increased errors in care. This pandemic is surely one of the most serious challenges this nation (and the world) have faced. It does not appear that the crisis will end soon.

If you are experiencing serious stress reactivity, you might want to practice the following self-care strategies. Eat well, sleep well, and exercise well as much as is possible for you.  Staying connected to loved ones and friends is also highly important. Use mindfulness skills to be in the present moment; realize it will change due to impermanence. Note it will change either for the better or worse. It may also be helpful to make formal plans to DO positive activities, no matter how small. Get out into nature; if you cannot do this regarding forests and mountains, at least spend more time outdoors. Regular daily walking is a good idea.  Doing good things to help others is also a way to feel better about yourself; in hard times, it is not easy to feel good about yourself. Learn and practice various tried-and-true breathing techniques (usually from meditation, yoga, athletics, etc.). If you are in fact doing some of these self-care practices, but you still feel overwhelmed, defeated, anxious, depressed – it may be best to see professional for psychological help. Before you decide to work with a mental health provider, do a search about them, their practice, and their ethics.

For more information refer to Hanlon, P. (Summer, 2020). COVID-19 means different approach to stress in American surveys. New England Psychologist (Fall, 2020). pp. 4 and 7.

https://psych.ly/covidfatigue.

Anthony R. Quintiliani, PhD., LADC  

From the Eleanor R. Liebman Center for Secular Meditation in Monkton, Vermont and the Home of The Monkton SanghaChiYinYang_EleanorRLiebmanCenter

Author of Mindful Happiness  

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Filed Under: Coping, Covid-19, Emotion Dysregulation, Emotions, Featured, Human Needs, Johns Hopkins Medicine, MIndfulness, Stress Tagged With: COVID-19, EMOTION DYSREGULATION, JOHNS HOPKINS MEDICINE, STRESS

April 3, 2017 By Admin

Tips for Building Healthy Intimate Relationships

Building Healthy Intimate Relationships:

Intimate relationships are often the source of many years of happiness and satisfaction, and sometimes the cause of great pain and suffering. It depends! I will list various realities of initiating and maintaining a positive intimate relationship.  After reading these, ask yourself: Where is my relationship? If you are unhappy, do something about it. Stay safe in the process.

Known Characteristics of Healthy Intimate Relationships:

  1. Do your best to maintain balance between independence and dependence on each other. Decisions and related behaviors need to be mutually acceptable to avoid conflict. Too much independence, and too much dependence tend to make relationships a bit rocky at time. Work hard together to find the Middle Way here. Some mutuality is required.
  2. Compromise and, if necessary sacrifice, to maintain a mutually happy interpersonal context. Too much entitlement and controlling behavior harms good relationships; not caring much at all about what your partner does without you may lead to the same outcome. Again, work at finding a mutual point of caring and being cared about.
  3. Good communications skills are a necessary component of maintaining a healthy relationship.  If there are communication blocks, especially when emotional issues are involved, the relationship may not work out well. Be careful of communication that is dominant and/or submissive. It needs to be effective and share qualities of equality and mutual respect.
  4. Dominance and power inequality almost always cause close relationship to fail.  If there are parts of the relationship where one party maintains strong dominance, failure is almost a predicted reality. If either party holds dominance in certain areas, this must be offset by the other party being more dominant in other areas. Balance of shared dominance is tricky, but it can work. Notice how mutuality and compromise keep coming up.
  5. If your partner has a serious character or behavioral issue  (violence or addiction for example), and you HOPE to help her/him change – good luck.  Holding onto relationships with built-in ongoing conflicts, where one party has intention to help/change/fix the other are usually doomed. One person cannot control another person!
  6. Mutuality of sexual intimacy and pleasure in the bedroom are important. Sexual pleasure as a loving act must be shared by both partners in intimate relationships.
  7. Mentalization, or returning to an executive/cognitive focus, may be an important variable in successful relationships. This is more important when highly emotional issues arise; to prevent limbic-brain reactivity andanger, intimate partners need to retreat to their executive, cognitive, prefrontal brain power. Taking a break from complicated conversations may be helpful.
  8. Good mindfulness skills may be important.  When partners in an intimate relationship have emotional conflicts, it is important to PRESS the pause button and reflect on what is happening right now in the present moment. Try not to evaluate so much; better to observe, be fully aware, and respond carefully and effectively. Find middle ground!
  9. Know thyself!  The better you understand your own needs and preferences, the more apt you are to consider the consequences of reactive behavior. Same is true for your partner.  Of course, both of you must know each other very well to help your relationship be successful in both life and love. Both of you have strengths and weaknesses acting on the relationship.
  10. If you or your partner suffer from anxiety or depression do your best to be kind and helpful to each other. In some cases, psychological issues may lead to chronic feelings of abandonment anxiety and abandonment depression: anxiety about the possible loss of the relationship, and depression when/if you actually do lose it or part of it.  Get professional help as needed.
  11. When couples experience serious challenges to their relationship, it may be helpful to use more advanced mindfulness skills. These may include: present moment awareness, non judging, radical acceptance, tolerance, compassion/self compassion, clear seeing, RAIN practice, observing sensations and emotions w/o acting on them, and kindness. Be good to each other.
  12. We also must contend with the realities of brain neuroscience.  Three brain substances are necessary to activate certain pathways (motivation, pleasure, intimacy); these are dopamine, endogenous opioids, and oxytocin. Within intimate relationship spheres, these three often interact together and their dominant brain areas activate accordingly. We need motivation to work at the goal (a mutually rewarding relationship); we need the impact of concrete rewards for feeling pleasure and wanting more; and, we need to have empathic intimacy in relational interactions. Any malfunction of these brain pathways may cause failure in intimate relationships.
  13. When all else fails, returning to the biblical story of Adam and Eve may be helpful (if you are a believer).  They were living in the garden of eden, and Eve decided to be more assertive and pursue what she desired (attachment here). Once the deed was done (the apple was eaten), they would be banished – and by the way Eve would be blamed. Sound familiar? Adam decided to stay with her, and later after leaving Eden they had two children.  One child killed the other, but they did not give up. They had a third child. Despite chauvinistic character assassination of Eve by male church leaders, they did according to the story live a happier life than one would expect.
  14. If all else fails, and you both want the relationship last, go into couples counseling with a skilled, licensed psychotherapist.

For more information refer to Brogaard, B. (2017). On Romantic Love: Simple Truths about a Complex Emotion. Oxford, UK: Oxford University Press. See also Becker-Phelps, L. (2014). Insecure in Love. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger, and Feiler, B. (2017). The First Love Story: Adam, Eve, and Us. New York: Penguin Books. See also Azab, M. The neuroscience of wanting and pleasure. www.psychologytoday.com/blog/neuroscience-in-everyday-life/2017…Retrieved on March 27, 2017.

Anthony R. Quintiliani, PhD., LADC

From the Eleanor R. Liebman Center for Secular Meditation in Monkton, VermontChiYinYang_EleanorRLiebmanCenter

Author of Mindful Happiness  

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New Edition of Mindful Happiness in Production…Coming soon!

 

Filed Under: Activities, Featured, Happiness, Human Needs, Intimacy, Mindful Loving, Relationships, Self Care Tagged With: HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS, INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS, MINDFUL HAPPINESS, TIPS

December 31, 2015 By Admin

Ideas about Attitudes of Gratitude – M. J. Ryan

Attitudes of Gratitude Thoughts and Applications

M. J. Ryan presents some interesting practices in the book, Attitudes of Gratitude (1999).  Here are some ideas. Hope you will practice some of them soon. As The 14th Dalai Lama and Thich Nhat Hanh suggest, MindfulHappiness-Gratitudewe should always appreciate the preciousness and miracle of human life – our own life no matter what the challenges are.

  1. Understand that your emotional mood and the quality of your thoughts depend on where you place your attention and reflection.  Do your best to pay more attention to the softness and warmth of your human heart and soul. Pay more attention to positive experiences and less attention to negative experiences.
  2. When you are plagued with GIANT problems or BIG emotional reactions to not-so-giant problems, look into the nature of the problem itself to see if any solutions arise.  Life is all about arising and falling experiences – both good and bad. Causes and conditions present and lead to pleasure, pain/suffering, or neutrality.
  3. Pay much more attention to the little joys (“wonderment”) you may be missing by being on autopilot and rushing around trying to be happier trough material gain. Wealth and fame are nice, but they DO NOT bring lasting, inner happiness. Your happiness is an INSIDE JOB!
  4. Do your best to be in the present moment of experiences.  The past is gone; you cannot change it.  The future is not here yet; you cannot control it.  Your real power comes from responding to whatever is now in your present moment experience.
  5. Pay much more attention to what is working for you now rather than what you desire and crave from the past or the future. If you are not present-minded, you cannot appreciate and have gratitude for what exists now.
  6. Reflect upon and honor your close friends, your family, and your ancestors.  Use any of their spiritual supports to do well in adversity and to do great in happy experiences.
  7. Practice meditations on appreciation, gratitude, and loving kindness.  These practices build your capacity to be happy.  These practices also improve compassionate actions and self-compassion. Do you have self-compassion?
  8. Periodically, live a whole day as if it were your last day living on earth. Notice! See what you decide to do.
  9. In the final analysis, Buddhism informs us that life on earth will contain suffering, joy, and neutrality.  All three conditions will occur in your experiences.  You cannot escape suffering! How you respond will determine your level of satisfaction or your quality of life in the long run.  Be happy! Be at peace! Be in the present moment!

For more information refer to Ryan, M. J. (1999). Attitudes of Gratitude: How to Give and Receive Joy Every Day of Your life. New York: MJF Books.

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By Anthony R. Quintiliani, PhD., LADC

From the Eleanor R. Liebman Center for Secular Meditation in Monkton, VermontChiYinYang_EleanorRLiebmanCenter

Author of Mindful Happiness  

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Filed Under: Compassion, Dalai Lama, Featured, Gratitude Meditation, Happiness, Human Needs, Inner Peace, Joy and Suffering, Meditation, Meditation Activities, Mindful Awareness, MIndfulness, Nhat Hanh Thich, Practices, Training Tagged With: ATTITUDES OF GRATITUDE, DR ANTHONY QUINTILIANI, M.J.RYAN, MEDITATION, MINDFULNESS, TRAINING

July 19, 2014 By Admin

Human Needs and Spiritual Experience

Human Needs and Spiritual Experience and the Need for Supportive Rituals

From the Eleanor R. Liebman Center for Secular Meditation in Monkton, VermontChiYinYang_EleanorRLiebmanCenter

Recently the Human Givens Blog in the United Kingdom presented a post about human needs.  I will paraphrase their information as well as information from other sources for Mindful Happiness.  Having such needs met may have strong positive impact on both physical and psychological health.

Human Givens BlogNot having them met may result in various clinical, psychological conditions and disorders.  Happiness is associated to emotional need satisfaction, and anxiety, depression and addictions are associated with emotional need deprivation.  For optimal functioning humans require about ten core emotional needs to be met on a regular basis.

These needs are noted below:

  1. Being and feeling safe and secureOLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA
  2. Positive attention from and interaction with others
  3. Volitional autonomy to make personal decisions for life
  4. Emotional connectivity with others – probably better in face-to-face than in digital-to-digital
  5. Membership in a larger community than the self – perhaps sometimes a connections with something greater than the self
  6. Emotional support, acceptance and intimacy in significant relationships and friendships
  7. Quiet reflection and privacy to simply be with yourself – alone
  8. Personally meaningful member ship or social status within your selected group or groups
  9. Good self-esteem from sensing competence, achievement, acceptance, and personal meaning in life and,
  10. Deep personal meaning in life – a purpose for being

For more information refer to blog.humangivens.com on 2-4-14

By Anthony R. Quintiliani, PhD., LADC

Author of Mindful Happiness

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Filed Under: Featured, Human Needs, MIndfulness, Spiritual Experience Tagged With: ANTHONY QUINTILIANI, HUMAN GIVENS BLOG, HUMAN NEEDS, MINDFUL HAPPINESS, SPIRITUAL EXPERIENCE

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