Calming Your Self-Critical Self with Mindfulness
A core problem for many people is their incessant self (or other) criticism. This is a major part of our psychological mind suffering today. In the past life for most people was more difficult, so human basic needs were the energized priorities; today so many of us have been “spoiled” by having basic needs met and lingering with more time to worry about usually less important things. Observe the number of TV ads aimed at improving how you look, or improving what others may 
thing about you. Note how the aim of some ads is to improve your perceived status, but not your inner reality of who you really are.Yes, looking ok, being healthy, and more importantly being happy are all important to our successful functioning. However, we tend to be dominated by limbic-brain survival mechanisms that boil down to interpersonal attraction and feeling liked by others. We ask: Am I good enough? D. W. Winnicott may have some answers for us, and he would be more apt to focus on psychological well-being above superficial qualities – how we look, status, etc.
Our competitive world and the American economic rat-race cause many to suffer from on-going “red ants” – what I call automatic emotionally loaded negative 
thoughts. Cognitive Therapy, Recovery Oriented Cognitive Therapy, Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy all can help reduce our thought-caused suffering. These approaches when implemented correctly work much faster than psychodynamic methods, which tend to prolong and deepen dependency on therapists and serve mutually self-rewarding experiences (some unconscious for therapists). All evidence-based approaches work, but how well and how fast do they work? There may be a moral question involved when a therapist uses a much slower method with outcomes that are no better than more efficient methods. They all involve a strong therapeutic alliance and clinical relationship. That also all involve a deeper change process not simply symptom reduction.
Why do we suffer so much from our own thoughts? Why do we sometimes project our own feared or actual character flaws onto and into others? There are so many causes. It all begins with the quality of our early attachment experiences. How good was the quality of your own early attachment experience with parental before thinkers like Freud came to the same conclusion. And, what about the level of your own self-medication? Do you self-medicate to reach some short-term joy or perhaps to just feel a bit better? In self-medication we eventually learn that it just works for a brief period and almost always leads to more serious problems – addictions of all kind including to our “I-Smart” phones. figures and other caretakers? Were you reasonably satisfied and nurtured, or were you experiencing what The Buddha called dissatisfaction with what is. Did early life experience leave you craving for what you did not receive? We seek pleasure and hope to avoid pain; The Buddha noted this 2600 years ago – way, way
Below I have listed various self-critical patterns that we human have befriended. I also note some mindful ways to counteract their unhelpful emotional effects. Sometimes is means just taking better conscious control overs our CABS – cognition, affect, behavior and sensory sensations. Other times to means learning and using regularly new skills. At times it means we need professionally competent therapeutic help to improve our lives.
Do what is needed! Here the list.
- Self-Devaluing thoughts – STOP and be mindful of your strengths. Use the ‘doing” of your strengths as antidotes.
- Feeling inadequate – STOP and recall times when you had a lived experience with success no matter how small.
- Deep distortion of self-disdain (even self-hate) – STOP and do your best to practice
mindful self-compassion.- Not being “good enough” – STOP and recognize this is a social construct of unhealthy competition. Use strengths.
- No spiritual self – Consider what if any spiritual practice you might explore or do more of. Being in nature helps.
- Feeling you do not have enough – Recognize that if basic needs have been met, it is time to work harder on higher emotional needs. Stop thinking – only if I had… then I would be happy. This is almost always untrue.
- Hopeless perfectionism – STOP and recognize this is also a social construct based on the projections of others, who believed they were not perfect enough. These introjects became your beliefs. There is NO perfectionism; it is totally impossible to achieve it because it does not exist. Think: I am good enough as I am now!
- Stuck in conditioned life (samsara) – where when you are happy you become dissatisfied because it does not last, and when you are suffering you become dissatisfied because you are not happy. Craving and trying to prolong happiness and being without happiness both lead to just more suffering. Find small things to have gratitude for.
- A list of more mindfulnesss-based “things” you can do to counteract automatic negative thinking and feeling: live in the present moment; stay grounded with helpful cues – things are ok; allow negative thoughts to pass – do not get hooked by them; Un-trap yourself from a painful past by living presently with what is; practice radical acceptance of what you cannot change; meditate and do yoga a lot to cultivate more inner peace; practice self-efficacy in a very conscious manner; learn and live by the Four Noble Truths; let go of your shame so you can flourish; learn and use The UCLA four step process; use cognitive disputation and reframing more and more often; DO better self-care and learn to locate and “feed” your protective dragons; ask your inner self-helper for guidance on how to be healthier and happier; seek out and learn from an ethical mindfulness mentor; if possible, practice more self-love and less self-doubt. Do more of these practices more often; I believe you will find things will improve.
- I realize that some of you may not be aware of some of the terms noted above, so do some good “Googling” about them. When you have a set of practices you like – practice them every single day of your life.
A helpful book to read is Brenner, G. (2018). Suffering is Optional: A Spiritual Guide to Freedom…Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.
Anthony R. Quintiliani, PhD., LADC
From the Eleanor R. Liebman Center for Secular Meditation in Monkton, Vermont and the Home of The Monkton Sangha
Author of Mindful Happiness
authentic happiness has little to do with being wealthy. Commit to reflect deeply on your action in life, and choose your pure, clear heart to be kind, generous, good, and loving to others. In the end, great kindness and love are far more important than material wealth. These statements are the informed advice of J. M. Bergoglio, that is Pope Francis. It does not matter if your are Christian, Muslim, Jewish, Buddhist, etc. What matters is that you are a good person, a good person leading a kind and loving life. A person who does not harm others, but instead helps others from the goodness of your heart and soul.
The significance of religious and spiritual practices in the world is enormous. Christian, Muslim, Hindu, and Buddhist practitioners make up the overwhelming majority of the world’s population. The CIA estimates are that Christians (33%), Muslims (23%), Hindus (14%) and Buddhist (7%) make up the majority of religious followers. Atheists and non-religious believers make up only 12% of the world’s population. About 11% of the world’s population practices other spiritual and religious traditions. ALL of the major spiritual and religious traditions have used beads in their practices. Below I have listed some details about the nature of spiritual/religious beads used by major groups. As you will see the use of beads in spiritual and religious practices is very common.
its underground riches. Nothing new here! It is only a matter of time before shots are fired and people die! Some say that the Dakota Access Oil Pipeline may have already violated earlier treaty obligations with The Sioux. That has NEVER prevented the dominant white culture from acting for its own financial interests in the past – nothing new here. It may be environmental racism that The Army Corp of Engineers moved the pipeline route away from Bismarck (fear of possible water contamination for mainly white folks) so it now crosses land and water of First Nations People. The marginalization and disrespect continue. Perhaps this is urban slum politics in the great rural areas of the Dakotas. Such fears regarding Bismarck simply emphasize that the technology being used is NOT completely safe and dependable. This is the FALSE PROMISE OF TECHNOLOGY. Like so many of our technological advances (the internet for example), the primacy of safety and security have been over-shadowed by the desire for free flow of commerce and thus greater 
profits. The core issue is that such oil extraction and use continues to threaten mother earth’s health AND OUR FUTURE AS HUMANS. Oil profiteers, using private and public security forces with armored military vehicles and attach dogs, are determined to force the Sioux off the land – perhaps off their own land. Praise to Amy Goodman for reportedly filming brutal dog attacks and releasing the video into the internet network. It is reported that many national unions (except the national AFL-CIO) have already stated their support for the Standing Rock Sioux in their fight against corporate greed (America’s #1 problem) and cultural repression (also a #1 problem – “black lives matter”). Perhaps we will witness annihilation once again (and again and again). Is this “the great American dream?” No!
wrong, this may be that time. President Obama, as the Commander and Chief (notice the word, “chief”), this is a good time to act on the behalf of oppressed people, even if it includes acting against corporate profiteering interests.
offends, please accept my deeply felt apology.
This last focus includes our mental, spiritual, physical, and emotional experiences of the self. I find it so, so interesting that First Nation peoples – like the Buddhists of 2,500 years ago – developed a “psychology of self” as part of their forward progressions. In Buddhist beliefs there is no concrete, independently arising, enduring SELF. It is real in a sense of mind-time, but subject to impermanence, interdependent arising, and essential emptiness. All part of illusion and delusion as we strive to experience sensory pleasure and avoid pain and suffering. These understanding – both First Nation and Buddhist – are quire complex. Mastery of them may reduce personal suffering and increase personal happiness.