October 30, 2018 By Admin

Setting Emotional Boundaries from Work to Life

Anthony R. Quintiliani, Ph.D., LADC

Sometimes setting emotional boundaries from the psychotherapy room to your life outside of work can be a difficult thing to do. Shifting from “experience near empathy” (Kohut), “unconditional positive regard” (Rogers), “hovering attention” (Freud), “the holding environment” in “intersubjective space” (Winnicott), and compassionate awareness to emotional distancing, separation, and dispassion is no easy task. In more in-depth clinical interactions, the process of projective identification between therapist and client may drain your emotional resources; sometimes being “as if” you were the experiencer of your client’s pain and suffering can take a serious toll on your own emotional resources. At time the therapist’s own emotional life lacks the quality of connection experienced in the therapy session. Success in setting emotional boundaries is a very important self-care skill. It may determine your success, failure, joy, or misery in the clinical work you do. It will definitely prevent most case of “burn out.”

Therapists may wish to complete a brief self-care assessment at the end of each emotionally demanding day. Some things to check are as follows:

Are you taking care of your own physical, psychological, spiritual, and emotional needs?
Are you using mindfulness, self-compassion, clinical supervision, or journaling to get to know how you are doing?
Are you valuing yourself enough regarding self-rewards, positive self-talk, cognitive and behavioral restructuring?
Are you giving yourself time to experience some form of creativity?
What about your spiritual self?
Do you spend quality time in nature, among the awe of it all?
Are you involved in the type of quality relationship you desire?
Be sure to act on your own behalf if you find problems in the above areas.

Another very powerful process is to develop improving self-compassion for yourself, often blurring the inner boundaries of your own emotional life experience and the clinical work you do. Therapists are, in the end, only people with a set of specific helping skills. We suffer just like other people do. Hopefully, our training and experience have given us a bit of a positive edge here. Here are some things you may wish to consider to improve your own level of self-compassion.

Using mindful awareness, observe the level and intensity of your self-criticism.
Let go of personal resistance to being real, being your true self.
Get out of your head! Get out of the past!
Do loving kindness meditation often.
Recognize your own difficult emotions (shame, anger, revenge, trying to control others, etc.), and simply be with them as a sacred part of who you are and be real about it. Use emotion regulation to improve things.
Practice much more self-appreciation.
Do not dwell on the pain and suffering of your past. All that stuff probably made you a stronger person.
Welcome and LOVE all of you, with special attention to the sacred quality of your own life suffering.
When you experience or re-experience anxiety, depression, addictive behaviors, or trauma – hold an open, soft heart for it. Then make changes to improve your life experience.
Always get help when you need it, and do your best not to dwell on what you have little control over.
Be certain too make changes to improve self-compassion regarding any problem areas above.

Fo more information refer to Norcross, J. C. and VandenBos, G. R. (2018). Leaving it at the Office: A Guide to Psychotherapist Self-Care. New York: Guilford. Neff, K. and Germer, C. (2018). The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook: A Proven Way to Accept Yourself, Build Inner Strength, and Thrive. New York: Guilford.

Anthony R. Quintiliani, PhD., LADC

From the Eleanor R. Liebman Center for Secular Meditation in Monkton, Vermont and the Home of The Monkton Sangha

Author of Mindful Happiness

New Edition of Mindful Happiness in Production…Coming soon!

Mindful Happiness Book Review The Awakened Introvert: Practical Mindfulness skills… By Arnie, Kozak, Ph.D. Dr. Kozak begins his book noting the processes of mind that often cause people to suffer. Critical judging, unhelpful story telling, over-attending to past suffering or losses and angst about possible future realities (the brain’s default mode), and auto-pilot inattention to important […]

Mindful Ways to Help a person Change Unhelpful Behaviors Brought to you by The Eleanor R. Liebman Center for Secular Meditation in Monkton, Vermont Although behavior therapy and contingency management remain the most effective means to initiate changes in unhelpful behaviors, more generic approaches offer some promise. See the steps noted below to change an […]

Spiritual Mantras from Buddhism Spiritual Mantras: Mantra practice is certainly not informal Buddhism, nor is it a way to apply practical mindfulness skills to life. The path of mantra practice is much deeper than the psychological applications for good health. Mantra practice is a highly important part of formal Buddhist practice, especially on the spiritual […]

Loving Kindness Meditation – More Thoughts Some less experienced meditators complain about how easily the mind’s wandering thoughts distract them from paying attention and deepening concentration. This is a very common problem in meditation practice, and not always just for novices. Here is a solution for you to try. In Loving Kindness Meditation, you focus […]

Very “SAD” Facts about the Addictions Field A recent issue of the Addictions Professional presented very disturbing news about how clinicians in the field are doing. NOT WELL! Addictions clinicians treat people with addictions but mainly people with co-occurring disorders – addictions with trauma, depression, anxiety and/or eating disorders. Often there is also a co-occurring medical […]

Gratitude Practices to Improve your Emotional Mood The following fourteen suggestions may improve your emotional mood. One reward from practicing gratitude is that we tend to feel a little better no matter what our causes and conditions are at the time. Here is the list. Make a habit of thanking people. “Thank you.” Appreciate […]

Using Your Compassionate Mind in Psychotherapy For you to become a more compassionate therapist, follow the details noted below. These preconditions, skills, and practices are required as a baseline for compassionate practice. You need the ability to access calmness in an environment of emotional suffering, chaos, or conflict. Most people do this by breathing in […]

Mindfulness-Based Therapy for Trauma In line with the thousands of studies now available supporting the use of mindfulness-based interventions in depression, anxiety, chronic pain and addictions (via emotion regulation and interoception), this post will review recommended mindfulness interventions for trauma and PTSD. The post will note information from two recent books on this topic. Also recognize […]

The Basics of Teaching Mindfulness and Meditation Training: Clients,Consumers and Professional Helpers No matter how experienced you are as a mediator and therapist, and no matter how helpful mindfulness practices could be for your clients, it will not matter if your clients do not DO the training practices. I have noted below a few common […]

Building Healthy Intimate Relationships: Intimate relationships are often the source of many years of happiness and satisfaction, and sometimes the cause of great pain and suffering. It depends! I will list various realities of initiating and maintaining a positive intimate relationship. After reading these, ask yourself: Where is my relationship? If you are unhappy, do […]

Mindful Happiness: Joy is Within Reach – It is Up to You to Choose It! We all live in a very troubled world with lots of greed, hate, warfare, and danger. Many of us use distractions (addictions, cell phone habits, eating, gathering, games, etc.) to make it through the days. This is true! However, […]

Benefits of Solitude in Contemplation are Many Socrates noted that our primary mission in life is to understand the complex relationship between self and soul. The Transcendentalist, R. W. Emerson, noted that a primary function of education is to draw out our soul. Zen teacher, J. Tarrant hinted that the soul is the energetic connection […]

Forgiveness Meditation Practice – Mindful Happiness – Dr Anthony Quintiliani Sit comfortably in a meditation posture. Allow your breath to remain natural without any intentional modification. Allow your body to relax, and allow your mind to be open to and to expect forgiveness. Focus attention on your heart area deep within your soul, and allow […]

The Nine Bow Ritual for Those You Respect Deeply The Nine Bow Ritual is a simple practice of deep respect. Think of a person, living or not, for whom you have very strong positive feelings. If you select a person no longer living, you may be surprised at the emotional impact of this ritual. If […]

Thoughts on Teaching Mindfulness and Meditation There are always questions about the necessary level of expertise, training, and personal meditation/yoga experience required for a person to self-identify as a teacher. Some differences of opinion exist, and some experts differentiate teaching mindfulness from teaching meditation. Some formal organizations have set their own standards; many of these […]

Trauma Informed Care – Avoidance Process Although more and more clinicians are learning about and using principles/practices of Trauma Informed Care, too few understand the behavioral dynamics of negative reinforcement in the avoidance of trauma-related cues (people, places, things, internal sensations, emotions and images). This post will give a very brief description of negative reinforcement […]

Happiness #5 – Last Post on Characteristics This will be my last post for a while on the important topic of happiness. Here I will hit a few highlights about simple joy and lasting inner experiences of true happiness. Simple Joy – We experience simple joy in simple experiences, small sometimes subtle events in our […]

Vipassana Meditation and Introduction Vipassana meditation, as taught by S. N. Goenka, has been practiced in India, Europe, the United States and in many other parts of the world. There are various claims for effectiveness when used as a form of meditative treatment with various populations (often correctional and substance using populations); however, there is […]

Mindfulness – Self-Kindness Practice Befriending the self is one of the most difficult things for Americans to do. It is probably true that self-kindness is difficult for most people; however, the current rampant criticism (I am right! You are wrong!) and extreme greed manifesting in the United States tends to produce two opposite extremes: […]

Meditation Process in Chan Buddhism Chan Master Changlu’s The Deportmant for Sitting Meditation (12th century China) is a clear and helpful set of instruction. 1) It begins with the making of a personal vow for great compassion, personal liberation, and samadhi – all for the purpose of delivering sentient beings from their suffering and to their […]