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Anthony Quintiliani, Ph.D, LADC

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October 20, 2017 By Admin

Relational Suffering and Buddhist Practice

Relational Suffering and Buddhist Practice

Recently I experienced a deep, sudden, afflictive emotional experience. This sudden and profound sense of loss was due to temporary heartbreak; the temporary heartbreak dealt with rejection from a younger woman I found to be interesting and attractive (inside and outside). My “lost” person seemed to possess all the attachment cravings characteristics I desired, was a fellow “stream crosser,” and an intelligent person; she was also strongly engaged in nature, exercise, reading, Buddhism, and clinical practice. So many things in common! However, after spending what appeared to be quality time together hiking, reading, and enjoying a great dinner, she decided against continuation of our short-lived relationship. The “spark” she felt no longer glowed, and she ended our relationship before it had any full substance of being.  My age was also a factor. Ah, impermanence!  Oh, yes, I was quite aware – very  mindful about my desire and craving.  Such is samsara and the Four Noble Truths.

My immediate emotional experience was like what C. Darwin described in his book, The Expression of Emotion in Man and Animals. A key theme for Darwin was that human emotion intensified after being expressed, and once expressed it became difficult to suppress or repress. Another theme clarified that human survival was based on the ability to passively accept emotion in the present moment. This should sound familiar to readers of this blog site.  Darwin was so far ahead of his time!  In Buddhism impermanence, dependent origination, and no-self all support one’s radical acceptance of emotional dissatisfaction in the moment, and the calm abiding of moving on from it. In fact, radical acceptance of afflictive emotions may be a flexible mental and bodily form of moving through the pain. I had experienced this in my life when I practiced vipassana, loving kindness, and other meditations on loss, grief and mourning due to the unexpected death of my loving wife, Ellie. In the end, we are all left with our experience of emptiness. Ultimately, we are all alone.

Susan Piver’s The Wisdom of a Broken Heart offers much about the devastating dissatisfaction one experiences when a significant relationship ends. At the same time, however, the experience may open up a pathway to greater spiritual and emotional transformation. This suffering may help us become emotionally stronger and resilient, may help us become more internally centered. In Buddhism emotional “feelings” may be pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral. In the end current or contemporary reality has little to do with ultimate reality. We may also experience abandonment anxiety, fearing or suspecting that we will be left alone; once the loss experience happens, we find ourselves in abandonment depression – we have in fact been left alone. For some people these are normal cycles of life. For most of us this is not true.

Becoming fully aware and not running from the raw emotional pain in our meditation, I think, is the WAY to go. Caution – DO NOT do this if you are not an experienced meditator. In my journey through emotional suffering I practiced tranquil samatha, insight clarity of vipassana, single-pointed concentration of samadhi, liberating zazen, and loving kindness (including the dead). Vipassana, loving kindness, and J. Kornfield’s guided meditations of painful emotional experience were the most helpful in my own transformation. In some strange and difficult way, it all came together in prajna wisdom about ultimate reality. Of course my recent disappointment was nothing like the painful depths of serious loss, grief and mourning. Nevertheless, it is still strong suffering.  At one point for a brief period I found myself “feeling” strong dissatisfaction and deep-seated aloneness.   It was pure sadness, and it was the purification that sadness can bring. L. Rinzler in Love Hurts: Buddhist Advice for the Heart Broken notes that mind training through regular meditation usually moderates our emotional reactivity. Yes, I did not get what I desired – simply another lesson about attachment and craving. Moving through such pain is all about calm abiding as you face it, experience it, and make space for it in you mind-body-heart system.

In the September, 2017, issue of Lion’s Roar there is a series of brief writings about love, its benefits, limitations, and consequences. The questions we need to ask are: Who am I? Why am I here? What is ultimate versus samsaric happiness – and dissatisfaction. The Buddha’s teaching in the Metta Sutra include the hope that we ALL will be peaceful and happy. And yes, may we all live free from enmity and danger. May we all learn how to deal with suffering (the first arrow) without sending the second arrow (our mental, emotional, behavioral responses) into our souls. We may suffer  much in relational interactions because the level of love is high, thus the emotional reaction to loss is also high. In these short writings, much is offered to us. J. Kornfield calls us to practice loving kindness meditation. K. Neff recommends more self-compassion – always a good idea – and S. Salzberg calls for more generosity. J. Lief tells us to practice meditation with space, ultimately sharing that space with others. P. Chodron believes we need more tonglen practice. These experts all offer wisdom-based, wise-mind instructions on how to deal with love and its loss, human joy and human suffering. We are left with the realization that the most important thing is to “enjoy” happiness in the present moment when we experience it, and know that we cannot cling to it. Our ultimate reality is not the same as our contemporary reality.

So my many readers, rest yourselves in the deep ocean of inner peace and tranquil being. When you experience emotional suffering in relationships, contemplate and meditate – finding your true path to your inner Buddha-nature. Remain kind to yourself and to others. May you be safe. May you be healthy. May you be free from suffering. May you be happy. May you find the “middle way” to live with ease.

For more information refer to The Dalai Lama and Goleman, D. (2003). Destructive Emotions: How We Can Overcome Them. New York: Bantam Books; Darwin, C. (1890, 1921 Edn.).The Expression of Emotion in Man and Animals. London, UK: Murray; Piver, S. (2009). The Wisdom of a Broken Heart. NY: Simon and Schuster; Rinzler, L. (2016). Love Hurts: Buddhist Advice for the Heart Broken. Bolder, CO: Shambhala Publications; and, Lion’s Roar (September, 2017). pp. 43-54.

Anthony R. Quintiliani, PhD., LADC

From the Eleanor R. Liebman Center for Secular Meditation in Monkton, VermontChiYinYang_EleanorRLiebmanCenter

Author of Mindful Happiness  

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New Edition of Mindful Happiness in Production…Coming soon!

 

Filed Under: ANTHONY QUINTILIANI, Breathing, Buddhism, Featured, Meditation, Personal Suffering, Practices, Relational Suffering, Relationships, Suffering Tagged With: EMOTIONAL, MEDITATION, RELATIONAL SUFFERING

April 3, 2017 By Admin

Tips for Building Healthy Intimate Relationships

Building Healthy Intimate Relationships:

Intimate relationships are often the source of many years of happiness and satisfaction, and sometimes the cause of great pain and suffering. It depends! I will list various realities of initiating and maintaining a positive intimate relationship.  After reading these, ask yourself: Where is my relationship? If you are unhappy, do something about it. Stay safe in the process.

Known Characteristics of Healthy Intimate Relationships:

  1. Do your best to maintain balance between independence and dependence on each other. Decisions and related behaviors need to be mutually acceptable to avoid conflict. Too much independence, and too much dependence tend to make relationships a bit rocky at time. Work hard together to find the Middle Way here. Some mutuality is required.
  2. Compromise and, if necessary sacrifice, to maintain a mutually happy interpersonal context. Too much entitlement and controlling behavior harms good relationships; not caring much at all about what your partner does without you may lead to the same outcome. Again, work at finding a mutual point of caring and being cared about.
  3. Good communications skills are a necessary component of maintaining a healthy relationship.  If there are communication blocks, especially when emotional issues are involved, the relationship may not work out well. Be careful of communication that is dominant and/or submissive. It needs to be effective and share qualities of equality and mutual respect.
  4. Dominance and power inequality almost always cause close relationship to fail.  If there are parts of the relationship where one party maintains strong dominance, failure is almost a predicted reality. If either party holds dominance in certain areas, this must be offset by the other party being more dominant in other areas. Balance of shared dominance is tricky, but it can work. Notice how mutuality and compromise keep coming up.
  5. If your partner has a serious character or behavioral issue  (violence or addiction for example), and you HOPE to help her/him change – good luck.  Holding onto relationships with built-in ongoing conflicts, where one party has intention to help/change/fix the other are usually doomed. One person cannot control another person!
  6. Mutuality of sexual intimacy and pleasure in the bedroom are important. Sexual pleasure as a loving act must be shared by both partners in intimate relationships.
  7. Mentalization, or returning to an executive/cognitive focus, may be an important variable in successful relationships. This is more important when highly emotional issues arise; to prevent limbic-brain reactivity andanger, intimate partners need to retreat to their executive, cognitive, prefrontal brain power. Taking a break from complicated conversations may be helpful.
  8. Good mindfulness skills may be important.  When partners in an intimate relationship have emotional conflicts, it is important to PRESS the pause button and reflect on what is happening right now in the present moment. Try not to evaluate so much; better to observe, be fully aware, and respond carefully and effectively. Find middle ground!
  9. Know thyself!  The better you understand your own needs and preferences, the more apt you are to consider the consequences of reactive behavior. Same is true for your partner.  Of course, both of you must know each other very well to help your relationship be successful in both life and love. Both of you have strengths and weaknesses acting on the relationship.
  10. If you or your partner suffer from anxiety or depression do your best to be kind and helpful to each other. In some cases, psychological issues may lead to chronic feelings of abandonment anxiety and abandonment depression: anxiety about the possible loss of the relationship, and depression when/if you actually do lose it or part of it.  Get professional help as needed.
  11. When couples experience serious challenges to their relationship, it may be helpful to use more advanced mindfulness skills. These may include: present moment awareness, non judging, radical acceptance, tolerance, compassion/self compassion, clear seeing, RAIN practice, observing sensations and emotions w/o acting on them, and kindness. Be good to each other.
  12. We also must contend with the realities of brain neuroscience.  Three brain substances are necessary to activate certain pathways (motivation, pleasure, intimacy); these are dopamine, endogenous opioids, and oxytocin. Within intimate relationship spheres, these three often interact together and their dominant brain areas activate accordingly. We need motivation to work at the goal (a mutually rewarding relationship); we need the impact of concrete rewards for feeling pleasure and wanting more; and, we need to have empathic intimacy in relational interactions. Any malfunction of these brain pathways may cause failure in intimate relationships.
  13. When all else fails, returning to the biblical story of Adam and Eve may be helpful (if you are a believer).  They were living in the garden of eden, and Eve decided to be more assertive and pursue what she desired (attachment here). Once the deed was done (the apple was eaten), they would be banished – and by the way Eve would be blamed. Sound familiar? Adam decided to stay with her, and later after leaving Eden they had two children.  One child killed the other, but they did not give up. They had a third child. Despite chauvinistic character assassination of Eve by male church leaders, they did according to the story live a happier life than one would expect.
  14. If all else fails, and you both want the relationship last, go into couples counseling with a skilled, licensed psychotherapist.

For more information refer to Brogaard, B. (2017). On Romantic Love: Simple Truths about a Complex Emotion. Oxford, UK: Oxford University Press. See also Becker-Phelps, L. (2014). Insecure in Love. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger, and Feiler, B. (2017). The First Love Story: Adam, Eve, and Us. New York: Penguin Books. See also Azab, M. The neuroscience of wanting and pleasure. www.psychologytoday.com/blog/neuroscience-in-everyday-life/2017…Retrieved on March 27, 2017.

Anthony R. Quintiliani, PhD., LADC

From the Eleanor R. Liebman Center for Secular Meditation in Monkton, VermontChiYinYang_EleanorRLiebmanCenter

Author of Mindful Happiness  

Mindful Happiness cover designs.indd

New Edition of Mindful Happiness in Production…Coming soon!

 

Filed Under: Activities, Featured, Happiness, Human Needs, Intimacy, Mindful Loving, Relationships, Self Care Tagged With: HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS, INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS, MINDFUL HAPPINESS, TIPS

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