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Anthony Quintiliani, Ph.D, LADC

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January 22, 2021 By Admin

Loss, Grief and Suffering in America

Loss, Grief and Suffering in America

By Anthony R. Quintiliani, Ph.D., LADC

Other than our nation’s suffering during The Civil War, The Great Depression, and World War II this past year has been one of the most stress-filled, fear-filled times in our history. Here is a list of the reasons behind it all: the COVID-19 pandemic, racial injustice, legal reactivity, massive unemployment, loss of housing, quarantines, closed schools and colleges, powerful political demonstrations, and a “president” who betrayed his trust and incited riotous violence against the Capital of the United States. Also a “president” who has been impeached not once but twice by The U.S. House of Representatives. What a year!

Types of Loss, Grief and Suffering

Along with the above, we have witnessed increased anxiety, depression, fear, anger and traumatic stress. Although death (loss of a loved one) is by far one of the most severe stressors, we also suffer from the virus, separation/divorce, developmental stress, incarceration, and the loss of the way of life in pre-COVID-19. Americans are suffering from various bio-psycho-social-spiritual dimensions of stress, loss and grief. Perhaps the correct words to use are “complicated grief.” Our current experiences with loss and grief go far beyond the stage-based versions of E. Kubler Ross; our current complex grief does not follow neat linear progressions, and includes more serious symptoms. For those who also experienced childhood trauma of various forms or developmental regressions the current experience is more exasperating and dangerous. When loss is catastrophic reactions may include nightmares, shame, guilt, regret, hopelessness and suicide. Cultural differences also play roles in loss and grief as well as its treatment. Therapists must also be aware of the influence of race, gender, sexual orientation, and age.

Treatments for Loss and Complex Grief

Treatments for loss and complex grief are many, but with varying levels of success. Matching treatments to client characteristics, and developing a powerful clinical alliance are important for therapeutic success. Below, I list (only) various treatments, most supported by empirical research and practice. I will leave it you the reader to look more deeply into treatments or interventions they may prefer. Here is the list: Trauma-Informed Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, Mindfulness-Based therapies/practices (breath work, meditation, yoga, tai chi, qi-gong and MBSR or ACT), Continued Bonds Theory – the changed internal relationship with the lost person, and Attachment-Informed Grief Therapy – utilizing attachment styles of secure, insecure, anxious or avoidant.

Many therapeutic interventions may be helpful: social-emotional support, recovery journaling, music, exercise, imagery, play therapy, and sand tray work. Generally especially strong empathy is required. Self-care of the therapist is a must. Using Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs may be helpful.  Other active interventions include empty-chair work (sitting in the “worry chair” or the lost person chair), self-talk or out-loud talk using stimulus words like relax, breathe, not me, etc. Social networking with new people in groups is often helpful. Improving client self-care and participating in activities associated with joy or satisfaction moves the mind to other things.

In the end, if so many various interventions fail to meet needs, people should consider joining a formal, therapeutic bereavement group. Loss is emotionally tough, and recovery requires complete emotional activation.

For more information refer to: comments of A. Bodner, Ph.D. in The New England Psychologist, p. 2 (Winter, 2021). Hanlon, P. (2021). The Many Faces of Complicated Grief. The New England Psychologist, pp. 1 & 4 (Winter, 2021). Cormier, S. The Transformative Power of Loss. Psychotherapy Networker,  pp. 17-18 (January-February, 2021). Cacciatore, J. (2020). Grieving is Loving: Compassionate Words for Bearing the Unbearable. Boston, Wisdom Publications, pp. 1-8.

Anthony R. Quintiliani, PhD., LADC

From the Eleanor R. Liebman Center for Secular Meditation in Monkton, VermontChiYinYang_EleanorRLiebmanCenter

Author of Mindful Happiness  

Mindful Happiness cover designs.indd

New Edition of Mindful Happiness in Production…Coming soon!

Filed Under: Coping, Covid-19, E.Kubler-Ross, Featured, Grief, Happiness, Healing, Human Needs, Inner Peace, Joy and Suffering, Personal Suffering, Practices, Relational Suffering, Self Care, Suffering, Tools, Treatment Tagged With: AMERICA, COPING, COVID19, E. KUBLER-ROSS, EMOTIONAL, GRIEF, HOPE, JOURNALING, JOY, LOSS, LOVING, MINDFUL, MINDFUL HAPPINESS, MINDFULNESS, PRACTICES, SELF, SOCIAL, SUFFERING, THERAPISTS, TREATEMENTS, TREATMENT

January 14, 2021 By Admin

The Heart Sutra – Thich Nhat Hanh

The Heart Sutra – Thich Nhat Hanh

“Gate Gate Paragate Parasamgate Bodhi Svaha.” This ultimate mantra is one of the most important in Buddhism. Thich Nhat Hanh’s new translation of The Heart Sutra offers a great deal of enlightened, sometimes more advanced, information and process. Avalokitesvara and other great Bodhisattvas present important views of this pivotal Buddhist sutra. The words used to describe it – great, highest, illuminating, and the end of suffering – offer great hope to Buddhist practitioners. Gate, itself, implies ending suffering, liberation, mindfulness, ending duality, reaching the other shore (enlightenment, nirvana, etc.).  Paragate implies going all the way to the other shore – becoming enlightened.  Parasamgate sum implies the the world-wide sangha or the entire human community. Bodhi is the light inside, and Svaha means joy. Keep in mind there may be slightly different translations of these words in Buddhist texts.

Gate Gate Paragate Parasamgate Bodhi Svah

In this paragraph, we go over chanting. Chant this: “Gate Gate Paragate Parasamgate Bodhi Svaha.” Or if you like in English: “Gone gone, all the way over, gone to the other shore of enlightenment.” This sutra is chanted deep from within the heart, your heart. It reflects the teachings of the Prajnaparamita. Ultimately it teaches the real truth of emptiness. Some say this mantra is even more important than The Diamond Sutra. The important teaching dealing with ultimate emptiness include sinlessness, aimlessness, ending conventional designation, The Middle Way, interbeing, and the ultimate interbeing of all that arises and falls – everything that exists. The Buddha’s words to Sariputra are relevant: “This body itself is emptiness. And emptiness itself is this body. This body is not other than emptiness. And emptiness is not other than this body.”  Associated mudras with The Heart Sutra are placing the tips of mid-fingers to the tops of thumbs, and next tips of ring fingers touching tops of thumbs.

To learn more about The Heart Sutra see the book, Fragrant Palm Leaves. In the end, The Heart Sutra notes there is no self-narrative, so strive to go beyond craving, fear and suffering. To many chanting, meditating and practicing with The Heart Sutra are the highest forms of spiritual practice. Be courageous; practice! See what the outcomes are for you. Has practice impacted your thoughts, emotions, behaviors?

For more information refer to Thich Nhat Hanh (2017). The Other Shore: A New Translation of The Heart Sutra…Berkely, CA: Palm Leaves Press, pp. 115-120, etc.m

Anthony R. Quintiliani, PhD., LADC  

From the Eleanor R. Liebman Center for Secular Meditation in Monkton, Vermont and the Home of The Monkton SanghaChiYinYang_EleanorRLiebmanCenter

Author of Mindful Happiness  

Mindful Happiness cover designs.indd

Filed Under: Buddhism, Featured, Meditation, MIndfulness, Self Care, Suffering, The Heart Sutra, The Middle Way, Thich Nhat Hanh Tagged With: BUDDHA, BUDDHISM, ENLIGHTENMENT, HAPPINESS, MANTRA, MINDFUL HAPPINESS, MINDFULNESS, PRACTICE, THE HEART SUTRA, THE MIDDLE WAY, THICH NHAT HANH

June 30, 2019 By Admin

Equanimity, Suffering, and Resilience

Equanimity, Suffering, and Resilience

It is said that equanimity (Pali – upekkha), the seventh factor of enlightenment and the tenth perfection, is an end-product of life-long personal practice in meditation and/or meditative yoga. It is about “walking the walk.” Some practitioners note that equanimity is the foundation for other helpful states of mind and body. It builds on loving kindness, compassion, generosity and other positive human traits and behaviors. It is called an anchor, an anchor that protects us from the random ups and downs of samsaric life. Equanimity helps us to “see” more clearly, thus enabling us to respond to challenging causes and conditions without reactive emotional dysregulation. Ultimately, being in longer periods of equanimity also frees our minds, hearts, and souls from afflictive emotions and experiences. We may learn to handle pain, blame, and loss in a more balanced manner, and we may learn not to attach too strongly to pleasure, praise, and personal benefits.  Yes, it is a strong sign of a mature person in a matter practice; it signifies emotional and spiritual maturity.  It is the best “Way.”

Today our nation and the world appear to be in a chaotic downward spiral, with so many serious problem to solve and so few minds working together to solve them. In some ways the end product of this turmoil, fear, and hatred becomes another form of deep human loss – very significant loss. I suggest that to be in your best possible position to take on the losses we face, we need to become experts in pursuing mindful Right Action. To do so, we must be regular practitioners of mindfulness – mindfulness in its more structured forms. We must live it! This process includes our own self-care: regular meditation and/or yoga, exercise, healthy diet, healthy sleep, and healthy relationships. With the skills and strengths that come from such a regimen of self-care, we are better prepared to adapt, cope, and respond well to emotionally challenging causes, conditions, and situations.  Be strong in your contemplative mindfulness; find and use your personal inner strengths; and, follow your deep values as well as personal aspirations. Remain active in your pursuit of equanimity, emotional stability, resilience, and become a much happier person. Part of this process of renewal is to give generously to others. Try not to forget this fact.

It is up to you! Stay the same, or become healthier and happier. One wonderful way to do these great things is to practice mindfulness on a regular basis – any form of mindfulness – meditation, yoga, qigong, tai chi, forest bathing with walking meditation, etc. In their new book, C. Feldman and W. Kuyken remind us that mindfulness practice brings us confluence and convergence with all worldly experiences. Mindfulness is a way of life, a way to experience being in all its pleasant, neutral, and unpleasant realities. Their work integrates fully modern clinical psychology and the ancient wisdom of Buddhist psychology. The process echoes The Four Noble Truths: What causes human suffering? Is there a way to end human suffering? What role does mindfulness, especially meditation play in this process? What makes up the path to transformation from suffering to happiness?

I hope these words are helpful to you, and that you actively pursue  equanimity for yourself. Review The Four Noble Truths and The Eightfold Path to begin your journey to transformation.

For more information refer to Feldman, C. and Kuyken, W. (2019). Mindfulness: Ancient Wisdom Meets Modern Psychology. New York: Guilford Publications.

Anthony R. Quintiliani, PhD., LADC  

From the Eleanor R. Liebman Center for Secular Meditation in Monkton, Vermont and the Home of The Monkton SanghaChiYinYang_EleanorRLiebmanCenter

Author of Mindful Happiness  

Mindful Happiness cover designs.indd

New Edition of Mindful Happiness in Production…Coming soon!

Filed Under: Buddhism, Compassion, Eight-Fold Path, Emotions, Featured, Happiness, Meditation, Mindful Awareness, MIndfulness, Resilience, Suffering Tagged With: EQUANIMITY, RESILIENCE, SUFFERING

October 20, 2017 By Admin

Relational Suffering and Buddhist Practice

Relational Suffering and Buddhist Practice

Recently I experienced a deep, sudden, afflictive emotional experience. This sudden and profound sense of loss was due to temporary heartbreak; the temporary heartbreak dealt with rejection from a younger woman I found to be interesting and attractive (inside and outside). My “lost” person seemed to possess all the attachment cravings characteristics I desired, was a fellow “stream crosser,” and an intelligent person; she was also strongly engaged in nature, exercise, reading, Buddhism, and clinical practice. So many things in common! However, after spending what appeared to be quality time together hiking, reading, and enjoying a great dinner, she decided against continuation of our short-lived relationship. The “spark” she felt no longer glowed, and she ended our relationship before it had any full substance of being.  My age was also a factor. Ah, impermanence!  Oh, yes, I was quite aware – very  mindful about my desire and craving.  Such is samsara and the Four Noble Truths.

My immediate emotional experience was like what C. Darwin described in his book, The Expression of Emotion in Man and Animals. A key theme for Darwin was that human emotion intensified after being expressed, and once expressed it became difficult to suppress or repress. Another theme clarified that human survival was based on the ability to passively accept emotion in the present moment. This should sound familiar to readers of this blog site.  Darwin was so far ahead of his time!  In Buddhism impermanence, dependent origination, and no-self all support one’s radical acceptance of emotional dissatisfaction in the moment, and the calm abiding of moving on from it. In fact, radical acceptance of afflictive emotions may be a flexible mental and bodily form of moving through the pain. I had experienced this in my life when I practiced vipassana, loving kindness, and other meditations on loss, grief and mourning due to the unexpected death of my loving wife, Ellie. In the end, we are all left with our experience of emptiness. Ultimately, we are all alone.

Susan Piver’s The Wisdom of a Broken Heart offers much about the devastating dissatisfaction one experiences when a significant relationship ends. At the same time, however, the experience may open up a pathway to greater spiritual and emotional transformation. This suffering may help us become emotionally stronger and resilient, may help us become more internally centered. In Buddhism emotional “feelings” may be pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral. In the end current or contemporary reality has little to do with ultimate reality. We may also experience abandonment anxiety, fearing or suspecting that we will be left alone; once the loss experience happens, we find ourselves in abandonment depression – we have in fact been left alone. For some people these are normal cycles of life. For most of us this is not true.

Becoming fully aware and not running from the raw emotional pain in our meditation, I think, is the WAY to go. Caution – DO NOT do this if you are not an experienced meditator. In my journey through emotional suffering I practiced tranquil samatha, insight clarity of vipassana, single-pointed concentration of samadhi, liberating zazen, and loving kindness (including the dead). Vipassana, loving kindness, and J. Kornfield’s guided meditations of painful emotional experience were the most helpful in my own transformation. In some strange and difficult way, it all came together in prajna wisdom about ultimate reality. Of course my recent disappointment was nothing like the painful depths of serious loss, grief and mourning. Nevertheless, it is still strong suffering.  At one point for a brief period I found myself “feeling” strong dissatisfaction and deep-seated aloneness.   It was pure sadness, and it was the purification that sadness can bring. L. Rinzler in Love Hurts: Buddhist Advice for the Heart Broken notes that mind training through regular meditation usually moderates our emotional reactivity. Yes, I did not get what I desired – simply another lesson about attachment and craving. Moving through such pain is all about calm abiding as you face it, experience it, and make space for it in you mind-body-heart system.

In the September, 2017, issue of Lion’s Roar there is a series of brief writings about love, its benefits, limitations, and consequences. The questions we need to ask are: Who am I? Why am I here? What is ultimate versus samsaric happiness – and dissatisfaction. The Buddha’s teaching in the Metta Sutra include the hope that we ALL will be peaceful and happy. And yes, may we all live free from enmity and danger. May we all learn how to deal with suffering (the first arrow) without sending the second arrow (our mental, emotional, behavioral responses) into our souls. We may suffer  much in relational interactions because the level of love is high, thus the emotional reaction to loss is also high. In these short writings, much is offered to us. J. Kornfield calls us to practice loving kindness meditation. K. Neff recommends more self-compassion – always a good idea – and S. Salzberg calls for more generosity. J. Lief tells us to practice meditation with space, ultimately sharing that space with others. P. Chodron believes we need more tonglen practice. These experts all offer wisdom-based, wise-mind instructions on how to deal with love and its loss, human joy and human suffering. We are left with the realization that the most important thing is to “enjoy” happiness in the present moment when we experience it, and know that we cannot cling to it. Our ultimate reality is not the same as our contemporary reality.

So my many readers, rest yourselves in the deep ocean of inner peace and tranquil being. When you experience emotional suffering in relationships, contemplate and meditate – finding your true path to your inner Buddha-nature. Remain kind to yourself and to others. May you be safe. May you be healthy. May you be free from suffering. May you be happy. May you find the “middle way” to live with ease.

For more information refer to The Dalai Lama and Goleman, D. (2003). Destructive Emotions: How We Can Overcome Them. New York: Bantam Books; Darwin, C. (1890, 1921 Edn.).The Expression of Emotion in Man and Animals. London, UK: Murray; Piver, S. (2009). The Wisdom of a Broken Heart. NY: Simon and Schuster; Rinzler, L. (2016). Love Hurts: Buddhist Advice for the Heart Broken. Bolder, CO: Shambhala Publications; and, Lion’s Roar (September, 2017). pp. 43-54.

Anthony R. Quintiliani, PhD., LADC

From the Eleanor R. Liebman Center for Secular Meditation in Monkton, VermontChiYinYang_EleanorRLiebmanCenter

Author of Mindful Happiness  

Mindful Happiness cover designs.indd

New Edition of Mindful Happiness in Production…Coming soon!

 

Filed Under: ANTHONY QUINTILIANI, Breathing, Buddhism, Featured, Meditation, Personal Suffering, Practices, Relational Suffering, Relationships, Suffering Tagged With: EMOTIONAL, MEDITATION, RELATIONAL SUFFERING

December 3, 2016 By Admin

Gratitude Along with Sadness and Fear – It Is life

Gratitude Along with Sadness and Fear – It Is Life

The famous Zen monk Thich Nhat Hanh gently advises us to appreciate the many things that we may take for granted.  For example, when he does walking meditation he believes and feels that the the earth below his feet is, itself, a miracle of reality. Yes, he advises us to more deeply appreciate the earth and all it does for us. For Thanksgiving Day he suggested that we smile at the entire universethichnhathanh_mindfulhappiness for supporting our existence; the food we have eaten comes from the interbeing of many forces: earth, sunshine, rain, seeds, and the people who farmed and transported it. Hopefully we all practiced mindful, appreciative eating
on this holiday. Hopefully, we all practiced some form of gratitude. And hopefully, we did not forget those who are less able to eat a good meal on such a day.  Hopefully, we reached out with gratitude, compassion, and generosity to those less fortunate than ourselves. This is the kindness of people. This is a special form of joy.

Pema Chodron, another very famous Buddhist teacher, advises us to have an open, kind heart. Even if we cannot locate it exactly, we can “feel” the inner tenderness of our soft-heartedness. Perhaps under that inner tenderness we shall also discover a special kind of human sadness, a sadness that feels as natural as it does uncomfortable. She notes that such a sadness is an pemachodron_mindfulhappinessinherent, natural sadness that humans experience. Perhaps it is part of our long genetic history; perhaps it is an outcome of daily witnessing (via media) the suffering of so many people; and, perhaps it is an outcome of our own personal suffering. Human do have ample supplies of
emotional pain.  All people suffer; all people experience joy; and, all people experience times of neutral boredom. This is theWAY it is. This is part of our human tenderness in life. So have the courage to feel your tenderness and joy as well as your suffering.

Gyalwang Drukpa of Tibetan Buddhist fame, suggests that we can utilize active compassion to combat fear of differences, fear of others. Humans have common experiences; some of these experiences include uncertainty and fear. Usually there is greater personal fear when we confront diversity – people, places and things different than ourselves. These reactions often come in times of great inequalities in human experience. He notes that fear thrives on concerns about differences. It can become the basis for hateful aggression. To bring peace to our fears we need to embrace such differences through highly active compassionate behaviors. If we can celebrate human differences, and if we can welcome them with deep awareness and curiosity, we combat fear. Tolerance and acceptance of others is the higher way of life.  Can we do it? It requires compassionate action!https://www.amazon.com/How-Train-Wild-Elephant-Mindfulness/dp/1590308174

For more information refer to Chosen Bays, J. How to Train a Wild Elephant... p.143 .  Also refer to Thich Nhat Hanh. How to Live… Chodron, P. The Pocket Pema Chodron, pp. 39-40 ,and the August 2016 presentation given by His Holiness Gyalwang Drukpa at the Bucerius Summer School on Global Governance.

By Anthony R. Quintiliani, PhD., LADC

From the Eleanor R. Liebman Center for Secular Meditation in Monkton, VermontChiYinYang_EleanorRLiebmanCenter

Author of Mindful Happiness  

Mindful Happiness cover designs.indd

New Edition in Production…Coming soon!

 

Filed Under: Featured, Gratitude Meditation, Gyalwang Drukpa, Pema Chodron, Suffering, Thich Nhat Hanh Tagged With: GRATITUDE, GYALWANG DRUKPA, MINDFUL NHAPPINESS, PEMA CHODRON, THICH NHAT HANH

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