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January 22, 2021 By Admin

Loss, Grief and Suffering in America

Loss, Grief and Suffering in America

By Anthony R. Quintiliani, Ph.D., LADC

Other than our nation’s suffering during The Civil War, The Great Depression, and World War II this past year has been one of the most stress-filled, fear-filled times in our history. Here is a list of the reasons behind it all: the COVID-19 pandemic, racial injustice, legal reactivity, massive unemployment, loss of housing, quarantines, closed schools and colleges, powerful political demonstrations, and a “president” who betrayed his trust and incited riotous violence against the Capital of the United States. Also a “president” who has been impeached not once but twice by The U.S. House of Representatives. What a year!

Types of Loss, Grief and Suffering

Along with the above, we have witnessed increased anxiety, depression, fear, anger and traumatic stress. Although death (loss of a loved one) is by far one of the most severe stressors, we also suffer from the virus, separation/divorce, developmental stress, incarceration, and the loss of the way of life in pre-COVID-19. Americans are suffering from various bio-psycho-social-spiritual dimensions of stress, loss and grief. Perhaps the correct words to use are “complicated grief.” Our current experiences with loss and grief go far beyond the stage-based versions of E. Kubler Ross; our current complex grief does not follow neat linear progressions, and includes more serious symptoms. For those who also experienced childhood trauma of various forms or developmental regressions the current experience is more exasperating and dangerous. When loss is catastrophic reactions may include nightmares, shame, guilt, regret, hopelessness and suicide. Cultural differences also play roles in loss and grief as well as its treatment. Therapists must also be aware of the influence of race, gender, sexual orientation, and age.

Treatments for Loss and Complex Grief

Treatments for loss and complex grief are many, but with varying levels of success. Matching treatments to client characteristics, and developing a powerful clinical alliance are important for therapeutic success. Below, I list (only) various treatments, most supported by empirical research and practice. I will leave it you the reader to look more deeply into treatments or interventions they may prefer. Here is the list: Trauma-Informed Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, Mindfulness-Based therapies/practices (breath work, meditation, yoga, tai chi, qi-gong and MBSR or ACT), Continued Bonds Theory – the changed internal relationship with the lost person, and Attachment-Informed Grief Therapy – utilizing attachment styles of secure, insecure, anxious or avoidant.

Many therapeutic interventions may be helpful: social-emotional support, recovery journaling, music, exercise, imagery, play therapy, and sand tray work. Generally especially strong empathy is required. Self-care of the therapist is a must. Using Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs may be helpful.  Other active interventions include empty-chair work (sitting in the “worry chair” or the lost person chair), self-talk or out-loud talk using stimulus words like relax, breathe, not me, etc. Social networking with new people in groups is often helpful. Improving client self-care and participating in activities associated with joy or satisfaction moves the mind to other things.

In the end, if so many various interventions fail to meet needs, people should consider joining a formal, therapeutic bereavement group. Loss is emotionally tough, and recovery requires complete emotional activation.

For more information refer to: comments of A. Bodner, Ph.D. in The New England Psychologist, p. 2 (Winter, 2021). Hanlon, P. (2021). The Many Faces of Complicated Grief. The New England Psychologist, pp. 1 & 4 (Winter, 2021). Cormier, S. The Transformative Power of Loss. Psychotherapy Networker,  pp. 17-18 (January-February, 2021). Cacciatore, J. (2020). Grieving is Loving: Compassionate Words for Bearing the Unbearable. Boston, Wisdom Publications, pp. 1-8.

Anthony R. Quintiliani, PhD., LADC

From the Eleanor R. Liebman Center for Secular Meditation in Monkton, VermontChiYinYang_EleanorRLiebmanCenter

Author of Mindful Happiness  

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New Edition of Mindful Happiness in Production…Coming soon!

Filed Under: Coping, Covid-19, E.Kubler-Ross, Featured, Grief, Happiness, Healing, Human Needs, Inner Peace, Joy and Suffering, Personal Suffering, Practices, Relational Suffering, Self Care, Suffering, Tools, Treatment Tagged With: AMERICA, COPING, COVID19, E. KUBLER-ROSS, EMOTIONAL, GRIEF, HOPE, JOURNALING, JOY, LOSS, LOVING, MINDFUL, MINDFUL HAPPINESS, MINDFULNESS, PRACTICES, SELF, SOCIAL, SUFFERING, THERAPISTS, TREATEMENTS, TREATMENT

October 20, 2017 By Admin

Relational Suffering and Buddhist Practice

Relational Suffering and Buddhist Practice

Recently I experienced a deep, sudden, afflictive emotional experience. This sudden and profound sense of loss was due to temporary heartbreak; the temporary heartbreak dealt with rejection from a younger woman I found to be interesting and attractive (inside and outside). My “lost” person seemed to possess all the attachment cravings characteristics I desired, was a fellow “stream crosser,” and an intelligent person; she was also strongly engaged in nature, exercise, reading, Buddhism, and clinical practice. So many things in common! However, after spending what appeared to be quality time together hiking, reading, and enjoying a great dinner, she decided against continuation of our short-lived relationship. The “spark” she felt no longer glowed, and she ended our relationship before it had any full substance of being.  My age was also a factor. Ah, impermanence!  Oh, yes, I was quite aware – very  mindful about my desire and craving.  Such is samsara and the Four Noble Truths.

My immediate emotional experience was like what C. Darwin described in his book, The Expression of Emotion in Man and Animals. A key theme for Darwin was that human emotion intensified after being expressed, and once expressed it became difficult to suppress or repress. Another theme clarified that human survival was based on the ability to passively accept emotion in the present moment. This should sound familiar to readers of this blog site.  Darwin was so far ahead of his time!  In Buddhism impermanence, dependent origination, and no-self all support one’s radical acceptance of emotional dissatisfaction in the moment, and the calm abiding of moving on from it. In fact, radical acceptance of afflictive emotions may be a flexible mental and bodily form of moving through the pain. I had experienced this in my life when I practiced vipassana, loving kindness, and other meditations on loss, grief and mourning due to the unexpected death of my loving wife, Ellie. In the end, we are all left with our experience of emptiness. Ultimately, we are all alone.

Susan Piver’s The Wisdom of a Broken Heart offers much about the devastating dissatisfaction one experiences when a significant relationship ends. At the same time, however, the experience may open up a pathway to greater spiritual and emotional transformation. This suffering may help us become emotionally stronger and resilient, may help us become more internally centered. In Buddhism emotional “feelings” may be pleasant, unpleasant, or neutral. In the end current or contemporary reality has little to do with ultimate reality. We may also experience abandonment anxiety, fearing or suspecting that we will be left alone; once the loss experience happens, we find ourselves in abandonment depression – we have in fact been left alone. For some people these are normal cycles of life. For most of us this is not true.

Becoming fully aware and not running from the raw emotional pain in our meditation, I think, is the WAY to go. Caution – DO NOT do this if you are not an experienced meditator. In my journey through emotional suffering I practiced tranquil samatha, insight clarity of vipassana, single-pointed concentration of samadhi, liberating zazen, and loving kindness (including the dead). Vipassana, loving kindness, and J. Kornfield’s guided meditations of painful emotional experience were the most helpful in my own transformation. In some strange and difficult way, it all came together in prajna wisdom about ultimate reality. Of course my recent disappointment was nothing like the painful depths of serious loss, grief and mourning. Nevertheless, it is still strong suffering.  At one point for a brief period I found myself “feeling” strong dissatisfaction and deep-seated aloneness.   It was pure sadness, and it was the purification that sadness can bring. L. Rinzler in Love Hurts: Buddhist Advice for the Heart Broken notes that mind training through regular meditation usually moderates our emotional reactivity. Yes, I did not get what I desired – simply another lesson about attachment and craving. Moving through such pain is all about calm abiding as you face it, experience it, and make space for it in you mind-body-heart system.

In the September, 2017, issue of Lion’s Roar there is a series of brief writings about love, its benefits, limitations, and consequences. The questions we need to ask are: Who am I? Why am I here? What is ultimate versus samsaric happiness – and dissatisfaction. The Buddha’s teaching in the Metta Sutra include the hope that we ALL will be peaceful and happy. And yes, may we all live free from enmity and danger. May we all learn how to deal with suffering (the first arrow) without sending the second arrow (our mental, emotional, behavioral responses) into our souls. We may suffer  much in relational interactions because the level of love is high, thus the emotional reaction to loss is also high. In these short writings, much is offered to us. J. Kornfield calls us to practice loving kindness meditation. K. Neff recommends more self-compassion – always a good idea – and S. Salzberg calls for more generosity. J. Lief tells us to practice meditation with space, ultimately sharing that space with others. P. Chodron believes we need more tonglen practice. These experts all offer wisdom-based, wise-mind instructions on how to deal with love and its loss, human joy and human suffering. We are left with the realization that the most important thing is to “enjoy” happiness in the present moment when we experience it, and know that we cannot cling to it. Our ultimate reality is not the same as our contemporary reality.

So my many readers, rest yourselves in the deep ocean of inner peace and tranquil being. When you experience emotional suffering in relationships, contemplate and meditate – finding your true path to your inner Buddha-nature. Remain kind to yourself and to others. May you be safe. May you be healthy. May you be free from suffering. May you be happy. May you find the “middle way” to live with ease.

For more information refer to The Dalai Lama and Goleman, D. (2003). Destructive Emotions: How We Can Overcome Them. New York: Bantam Books; Darwin, C. (1890, 1921 Edn.).The Expression of Emotion in Man and Animals. London, UK: Murray; Piver, S. (2009). The Wisdom of a Broken Heart. NY: Simon and Schuster; Rinzler, L. (2016). Love Hurts: Buddhist Advice for the Heart Broken. Bolder, CO: Shambhala Publications; and, Lion’s Roar (September, 2017). pp. 43-54.

Anthony R. Quintiliani, PhD., LADC

From the Eleanor R. Liebman Center for Secular Meditation in Monkton, VermontChiYinYang_EleanorRLiebmanCenter

Author of Mindful Happiness  

Mindful Happiness cover designs.indd

New Edition of Mindful Happiness in Production…Coming soon!

 

Filed Under: ANTHONY QUINTILIANI, Breathing, Buddhism, Featured, Meditation, Personal Suffering, Practices, Relational Suffering, Relationships, Suffering Tagged With: EMOTIONAL, MEDITATION, RELATIONAL SUFFERING

April 15, 2015 By Admin

Personal Suffering and Relative Suffering

Building Emotional Resilience

On a personal note, right now I am suffering.  Its April 15th and I have a terrible viral infection (sore throat, chest congestion, and fever).  I feel weak and miserable.  Perhaps all that frigid air we endured in New England this Winter also kept infectious “stuff” under control for a while. However, my probably temporary condition is nothing compared to the suffering millions of people endure every day all over this world.  I am not being targeted for annihilation due to my spiritual beliefs.  I am not being tortured.  I am not being battered – emotionally or physically. I am not starving.  Even if much of the food produced and consumed in the USA is relatively unhealthy (packaged, processed, chemicalized, GMO’d, extended shelf life for greed, etc.), if I can pay for food I can eat every single day.  Oh yes, I thought the Department of Agriculture was also protecting us from eating potentially unhealthy food! To the best of my knowledge, I am not drinking contaminated water.  I am not breathing toxic air like urban areas of China.  I do not fear venturing out; I do not expect to be harmed or killed.  I am not in a situation where outrageous greed tramples the basic standards of good health and a livable wage.  Many, many others may be.  Lastly, our (not mine) insatiable appetite for beef and the grains it requires may be one of the most potent contributors to world hunger.  Money, money, money!!!!  What is good for business may not always be good for the rest of us. Look at the new recommended Food Pyramid soon.  What I am saying is that suffering is a highly relative condition physically,  intra-psychically and socially.  The Dalai Lama and Pope Francis, two of the world most respected spiritual leaders have much to say about human suffering and what to do about it.

In the mindfulness traditions life consists of short-term joy, a bit longer-term happiness, much neutrality and boredom, and a whole lot of suffering.

Our craving for pleasure, and our fearing and avoiding displeasure keep us in the suffering cycle.  Suffering has two parts (“two arrows”); the unavoidable personalsuffering_mindfulhappinesssuffering that comes to all humans, and secondary suffering we produce on our own due to the unavoidable suffering we encounter.  The Dalai Lama suggests that we should not cause secondary suffering by worry.  If you can do something about suffering you expect to occur, then act on it.  If you cannot do something about it, still do not worry – because you cannot do anything about it.  If you become stuck in the pain of the past, or long for a return to a happier past, you are not living in the present moment.  If you worry about the future, stop.  You have no control over what life bring to you in the future. Plan for it but do not worry. Radical acceptance of what we cannot change, and tolerant self-compassion for our our suffering are the best we can do.  Pope Francis adds that we need to carry on with great human strength and dignity.  Winston Churchill is reported to have noted: when you feel like you are going through hell, you have NO CHOICE but to continue the trek.

Remember that we do benefit from small doses of suffering over time.  It builds our emotional resilience.  Suffering (yes even real suffering) is always produced in our minds and has causes and conditions. Fearful adjustment to change is a major cause of suffering.  Pope Francis adds that we must be fully aware Mindfulness_Resilience-MindfulHappinesswhen we suffer; this is necessary so we can change old patterns that result in more suffering.  There are ways to buffer ourselves NOT from suffering but from the mind’s emotional reactions to it.  Live a virtuous life. Be kind. Act with compassion.  Forgive others. Be generous – very generous.  Go deeper and deeper into your own spirituality to discover your true self and allow it to blossom.  We need to practice radical acceptance and re-deploying attention. Practice more gratitude and containment with what you do have.  Let go of what you crave wildly.

As long as greed, hate and anger rule the world, the world will be rushing toward its own destruction.  Recall that sometimes an enemy is a good teacher.  We can learn how the enemy has penetrated our mind and caused resentment, even hatred.  Pope Francis noted that we need love, patience, charity and to learn how to put up with each other.  He suggests (as has Thich Nhat Hanh) that we plant seeds of goodness in our hearts and minds. Good luck on your personal journey.

For more information refer to Kelly-Gangi, C. (Ed.). The Dalai Lama: His Essential Wisdom. New York: Fall River Press, pp. 48-54, and Kelly-Gangi, C. (Ed.). Pope Francis: His Essential Wisdom. New York: Fall River Press, pp. 94-96.

By Anthony R. Quintiliani, PhD., LADC

From the Eleanor R. Liebman Center for Secular Meditation in Monkton, VermontChiYinYang_EleanorRLiebmanCenter

Author of Mindful Happiness

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Filed Under: ANTHONY QUINTILIANI, Featured, Personal Suffering, Suffering Tagged With: DR ANTHONY QUINTILIANI, MINDFUL HAPPINESS, PERSONAL SUFFERING, SUFFERING

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