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Anthony Quintiliani, Ph.D, LADC

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January 22, 2021 By Admin

Loss, Grief and Suffering in America

Loss, Grief and Suffering in America

By Anthony R. Quintiliani, Ph.D., LADC

Other than our nation’s suffering during The Civil War, The Great Depression, and World War II this past year has been one of the most stress-filled, fear-filled times in our history. Here is a list of the reasons behind it all: the COVID-19 pandemic, racial injustice, legal reactivity, massive unemployment, loss of housing, quarantines, closed schools and colleges, powerful political demonstrations, and a “president” who betrayed his trust and incited riotous violence against the Capital of the United States. Also a “president” who has been impeached not once but twice by The U.S. House of Representatives. What a year!

Types of Loss, Grief and Suffering

Along with the above, we have witnessed increased anxiety, depression, fear, anger and traumatic stress. Although death (loss of a loved one) is by far one of the most severe stressors, we also suffer from the virus, separation/divorce, developmental stress, incarceration, and the loss of the way of life in pre-COVID-19. Americans are suffering from various bio-psycho-social-spiritual dimensions of stress, loss and grief. Perhaps the correct words to use are “complicated grief.” Our current experiences with loss and grief go far beyond the stage-based versions of E. Kubler Ross; our current complex grief does not follow neat linear progressions, and includes more serious symptoms. For those who also experienced childhood trauma of various forms or developmental regressions the current experience is more exasperating and dangerous. When loss is catastrophic reactions may include nightmares, shame, guilt, regret, hopelessness and suicide. Cultural differences also play roles in loss and grief as well as its treatment. Therapists must also be aware of the influence of race, gender, sexual orientation, and age.

Treatments for Loss and Complex Grief

Treatments for loss and complex grief are many, but with varying levels of success. Matching treatments to client characteristics, and developing a powerful clinical alliance are important for therapeutic success. Below, I list (only) various treatments, most supported by empirical research and practice. I will leave it you the reader to look more deeply into treatments or interventions they may prefer. Here is the list: Trauma-Informed Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, Mindfulness-Based therapies/practices (breath work, meditation, yoga, tai chi, qi-gong and MBSR or ACT), Continued Bonds Theory – the changed internal relationship with the lost person, and Attachment-Informed Grief Therapy – utilizing attachment styles of secure, insecure, anxious or avoidant.

Many therapeutic interventions may be helpful: social-emotional support, recovery journaling, music, exercise, imagery, play therapy, and sand tray work. Generally especially strong empathy is required. Self-care of the therapist is a must. Using Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs may be helpful.  Other active interventions include empty-chair work (sitting in the “worry chair” or the lost person chair), self-talk or out-loud talk using stimulus words like relax, breathe, not me, etc. Social networking with new people in groups is often helpful. Improving client self-care and participating in activities associated with joy or satisfaction moves the mind to other things.

In the end, if so many various interventions fail to meet needs, people should consider joining a formal, therapeutic bereavement group. Loss is emotionally tough, and recovery requires complete emotional activation.

For more information refer to: comments of A. Bodner, Ph.D. in The New England Psychologist, p. 2 (Winter, 2021). Hanlon, P. (2021). The Many Faces of Complicated Grief. The New England Psychologist, pp. 1 & 4 (Winter, 2021). Cormier, S. The Transformative Power of Loss. Psychotherapy Networker,  pp. 17-18 (January-February, 2021). Cacciatore, J. (2020). Grieving is Loving: Compassionate Words for Bearing the Unbearable. Boston, Wisdom Publications, pp. 1-8.

Anthony R. Quintiliani, PhD., LADC

From the Eleanor R. Liebman Center for Secular Meditation in Monkton, VermontChiYinYang_EleanorRLiebmanCenter

Author of Mindful Happiness  

Mindful Happiness cover designs.indd

New Edition of Mindful Happiness in Production…Coming soon!

Filed Under: Coping, Covid-19, E.Kubler-Ross, Featured, Grief, Happiness, Healing, Human Needs, Inner Peace, Joy and Suffering, Personal Suffering, Practices, Relational Suffering, Self Care, Suffering, Tools, Treatment Tagged With: AMERICA, COPING, COVID19, E. KUBLER-ROSS, EMOTIONAL, GRIEF, HOPE, JOURNALING, JOY, LOSS, LOVING, MINDFUL, MINDFUL HAPPINESS, MINDFULNESS, PRACTICES, SELF, SOCIAL, SUFFERING, THERAPISTS, TREATEMENTS, TREATMENT

June 30, 2019 By Admin

Equanimity, Suffering, and Resilience

Equanimity, Suffering, and Resilience

It is said that equanimity (Pali – upekkha), the seventh factor of enlightenment and the tenth perfection, is an end-product of life-long personal practice in meditation and/or meditative yoga. It is about “walking the walk.” Some practitioners note that equanimity is the foundation for other helpful states of mind and body. It builds on loving kindness, compassion, generosity and other positive human traits and behaviors. It is called an anchor, an anchor that protects us from the random ups and downs of samsaric life. Equanimity helps us to “see” more clearly, thus enabling us to respond to challenging causes and conditions without reactive emotional dysregulation. Ultimately, being in longer periods of equanimity also frees our minds, hearts, and souls from afflictive emotions and experiences. We may learn to handle pain, blame, and loss in a more balanced manner, and we may learn not to attach too strongly to pleasure, praise, and personal benefits.  Yes, it is a strong sign of a mature person in a matter practice; it signifies emotional and spiritual maturity.  It is the best “Way.”

Today our nation and the world appear to be in a chaotic downward spiral, with so many serious problem to solve and so few minds working together to solve them. In some ways the end product of this turmoil, fear, and hatred becomes another form of deep human loss – very significant loss. I suggest that to be in your best possible position to take on the losses we face, we need to become experts in pursuing mindful Right Action. To do so, we must be regular practitioners of mindfulness – mindfulness in its more structured forms. We must live it! This process includes our own self-care: regular meditation and/or yoga, exercise, healthy diet, healthy sleep, and healthy relationships. With the skills and strengths that come from such a regimen of self-care, we are better prepared to adapt, cope, and respond well to emotionally challenging causes, conditions, and situations.  Be strong in your contemplative mindfulness; find and use your personal inner strengths; and, follow your deep values as well as personal aspirations. Remain active in your pursuit of equanimity, emotional stability, resilience, and become a much happier person. Part of this process of renewal is to give generously to others. Try not to forget this fact.

It is up to you! Stay the same, or become healthier and happier. One wonderful way to do these great things is to practice mindfulness on a regular basis – any form of mindfulness – meditation, yoga, qigong, tai chi, forest bathing with walking meditation, etc. In their new book, C. Feldman and W. Kuyken remind us that mindfulness practice brings us confluence and convergence with all worldly experiences. Mindfulness is a way of life, a way to experience being in all its pleasant, neutral, and unpleasant realities. Their work integrates fully modern clinical psychology and the ancient wisdom of Buddhist psychology. The process echoes The Four Noble Truths: What causes human suffering? Is there a way to end human suffering? What role does mindfulness, especially meditation play in this process? What makes up the path to transformation from suffering to happiness?

I hope these words are helpful to you, and that you actively pursue  equanimity for yourself. Review The Four Noble Truths and The Eightfold Path to begin your journey to transformation.

For more information refer to Feldman, C. and Kuyken, W. (2019). Mindfulness: Ancient Wisdom Meets Modern Psychology. New York: Guilford Publications.

Anthony R. Quintiliani, PhD., LADC  

From the Eleanor R. Liebman Center for Secular Meditation in Monkton, Vermont and the Home of The Monkton SanghaChiYinYang_EleanorRLiebmanCenter

Author of Mindful Happiness  

Mindful Happiness cover designs.indd

New Edition of Mindful Happiness in Production…Coming soon!

Filed Under: Buddhism, Compassion, Eight-Fold Path, Emotions, Featured, Happiness, Meditation, Mindful Awareness, MIndfulness, Resilience, Suffering Tagged With: EQUANIMITY, RESILIENCE, SUFFERING

November 2, 2016 By Admin

Allow Laughter to Support You in Your Suffering

Laughter to Support you in Suffering

As we all know life is filled with joy, suffering, and neutrality or boredom. This is THE WAY IT IS! Or, as a very good old friend often reminded me: “It is what it is!”  In Buddhism we preach a middle way in various areas of practice;
the same path is true in conscious awareness of self-suffering. This post is NOT recommending that you do not pass through grief and loss processes, or that you should attempt to deny/suppress experiences of suffering. What it is suggesting is that you mindfulhappiness-laughterrecognize this is simply all part of normal life experience for us humans. It is also suggesting that you learn and use various “wise mind” skills and practices (mindfulness, meditation, RAIN, yoga, walking meditation, etc.) to help yourself feel and do/be better in life. Rupert Spira in various writings highly influenced by classical Vedanta boiled it down into a few very important understanding – understanding about the way things are, and how we consciously experience the way things are.  In the use of laughter to nudge you out of suffering, we may want to pay attention to some of his key ideas. Along with the recognition of wasting lots of emotional energy trying to change what happens to us in primary suffering, it may help to recognize that just allowing or radically accepting what our experience is in this present moment is a form of ultimate truth. Emphasizing neither the body nor the mind in experiencing suffering, we may want to realize that it is simply our conscious awareness of present-moment suffering that makes it so hard to be with it in peace. Being more aware and being more able to just be with your experience no matter what it is are important skills in life. Preferences for pleasant self-objects, other people as objects, things as objects,emotions as objects, and our personal experience as objects – all these associated desires and related cognitive-emotional-behavioral consequences simply produce greater suffering. Once we are skilledenough to just be with our suffering as a part of life, we may be better equipped to become a happier person.  Inner quiet, equanimity, liking and loving, loving kindness, compassion,  as well as a deeper understanding of reality are all part of moving though suffering and, perhaps, into more happiness.  The conditioned mind and body may still seek sense pleasures (short-term joys but laughterultimately long-term causes of suffering), but eventually we may understand that trying to attach/hold onto pleasant emotions and trying to avoid unpleasant emotions gets us nowhere.  Pleasant and unpleasant are simply part of the larger life-picture of what is. So what about laughter in all of this?

Current research from Georgia State University suggests that combining laughter with exercise may be a potent counter-force against suffering. Brief aerobic exercise improved mental health related mood, physical endurance, personal motivation to “do” laughter-sufering-mindfulness-mindful-happinesssomething, and weight loss. Adding “forced laughter” via laughing yoga or eye-contacted, face-to-face laughter did get people to laugh.  Since people had to decide whether or not to cooperate, the terms “forced laughter” may be inappropriate. Since, according to certain neuroscience opinions, the body cannot recognize differences in authentic laughter and forced laughter – this research may be quite meaningful. Also, again from neuroscience research, we know that facial emotional expressions find their way into the brain.  Like the body, the brain (other than exaggerated executive criticism) cannot differentiate natural laughter from other forms of laughter. The more and longer people laughed, the better the outcomes were.

So the take-aways here are do more exercise and find more ways to laugh.  Perhaps you will want to find and join a laughter yoga group. When you exercise and laugh, emotional life improves.

For more information refer to J. Smiechowski (Retrieved 10-11-16). How many calories can you burn laughing? Easy Health Options. For more complex understandings about non-dual reality, see Spira, R. (2008). The Transparency of Things. Sahara Publications and New Harbinger Publications.

By Anthony R. Quintiliani, PhD., LADC

From the Eleanor R. Liebman Center for Secular Meditation in Monkton, VermontChiYinYang_EleanorRLiebmanCenter

Author of Mindful Happiness  

Mindful Happiness cover designs.indd

New Edition of Mindful Happiness in Production…Coming soon!

Filed Under: Activities, Benefits of Meditation, Benefits of Mindfulness, Featured, Joy and Suffering, Mindful Awareness, MIndfulness Tagged With: EMOTIONS, LAUGHTER, MINDFULNESS, SUFFERING

April 15, 2015 By Admin

Personal Suffering and Relative Suffering

Building Emotional Resilience

On a personal note, right now I am suffering.  Its April 15th and I have a terrible viral infection (sore throat, chest congestion, and fever).  I feel weak and miserable.  Perhaps all that frigid air we endured in New England this Winter also kept infectious “stuff” under control for a while. However, my probably temporary condition is nothing compared to the suffering millions of people endure every day all over this world.  I am not being targeted for annihilation due to my spiritual beliefs.  I am not being tortured.  I am not being battered – emotionally or physically. I am not starving.  Even if much of the food produced and consumed in the USA is relatively unhealthy (packaged, processed, chemicalized, GMO’d, extended shelf life for greed, etc.), if I can pay for food I can eat every single day.  Oh yes, I thought the Department of Agriculture was also protecting us from eating potentially unhealthy food! To the best of my knowledge, I am not drinking contaminated water.  I am not breathing toxic air like urban areas of China.  I do not fear venturing out; I do not expect to be harmed or killed.  I am not in a situation where outrageous greed tramples the basic standards of good health and a livable wage.  Many, many others may be.  Lastly, our (not mine) insatiable appetite for beef and the grains it requires may be one of the most potent contributors to world hunger.  Money, money, money!!!!  What is good for business may not always be good for the rest of us. Look at the new recommended Food Pyramid soon.  What I am saying is that suffering is a highly relative condition physically,  intra-psychically and socially.  The Dalai Lama and Pope Francis, two of the world most respected spiritual leaders have much to say about human suffering and what to do about it.

In the mindfulness traditions life consists of short-term joy, a bit longer-term happiness, much neutrality and boredom, and a whole lot of suffering.

Our craving for pleasure, and our fearing and avoiding displeasure keep us in the suffering cycle.  Suffering has two parts (“two arrows”); the unavoidable personalsuffering_mindfulhappinesssuffering that comes to all humans, and secondary suffering we produce on our own due to the unavoidable suffering we encounter.  The Dalai Lama suggests that we should not cause secondary suffering by worry.  If you can do something about suffering you expect to occur, then act on it.  If you cannot do something about it, still do not worry – because you cannot do anything about it.  If you become stuck in the pain of the past, or long for a return to a happier past, you are not living in the present moment.  If you worry about the future, stop.  You have no control over what life bring to you in the future. Plan for it but do not worry. Radical acceptance of what we cannot change, and tolerant self-compassion for our our suffering are the best we can do.  Pope Francis adds that we need to carry on with great human strength and dignity.  Winston Churchill is reported to have noted: when you feel like you are going through hell, you have NO CHOICE but to continue the trek.

Remember that we do benefit from small doses of suffering over time.  It builds our emotional resilience.  Suffering (yes even real suffering) is always produced in our minds and has causes and conditions. Fearful adjustment to change is a major cause of suffering.  Pope Francis adds that we must be fully aware Mindfulness_Resilience-MindfulHappinesswhen we suffer; this is necessary so we can change old patterns that result in more suffering.  There are ways to buffer ourselves NOT from suffering but from the mind’s emotional reactions to it.  Live a virtuous life. Be kind. Act with compassion.  Forgive others. Be generous – very generous.  Go deeper and deeper into your own spirituality to discover your true self and allow it to blossom.  We need to practice radical acceptance and re-deploying attention. Practice more gratitude and containment with what you do have.  Let go of what you crave wildly.

As long as greed, hate and anger rule the world, the world will be rushing toward its own destruction.  Recall that sometimes an enemy is a good teacher.  We can learn how the enemy has penetrated our mind and caused resentment, even hatred.  Pope Francis noted that we need love, patience, charity and to learn how to put up with each other.  He suggests (as has Thich Nhat Hanh) that we plant seeds of goodness in our hearts and minds. Good luck on your personal journey.

For more information refer to Kelly-Gangi, C. (Ed.). The Dalai Lama: His Essential Wisdom. New York: Fall River Press, pp. 48-54, and Kelly-Gangi, C. (Ed.). Pope Francis: His Essential Wisdom. New York: Fall River Press, pp. 94-96.

By Anthony R. Quintiliani, PhD., LADC

From the Eleanor R. Liebman Center for Secular Meditation in Monkton, VermontChiYinYang_EleanorRLiebmanCenter

Author of Mindful Happiness

CLICK HERE to Order!

Mindful Happiness cover designs.indd

Filed Under: ANTHONY QUINTILIANI, Featured, Personal Suffering, Suffering Tagged With: DR ANTHONY QUINTILIANI, MINDFUL HAPPINESS, PERSONAL SUFFERING, SUFFERING

September 9, 2014 By Admin

Self Medicate Suffering

So Many Ways to Self-Medicate –  It Just Brings More Suffering

Very often poor child-parent (child-caretaker) object relations, attachment with care takers, and attunement by care takers negatively impact young children early in their lives.  The well-documented scientific fact that environmental conditions play a more important role in gene-expression than pure genetics implies clearly that the quality of early life experiences activate long-term consequences in the lives of humans.  Let’s take an informal look at the various forms of self-medication (short-term habitual behaviors to add brief experiences of fleeting joy or to escape personal suffering) used commonly in American society.  america-number-one-drug-consumption-worldwide_Mindful-Happiness

What is wrong with America?  We lead the world in consumption of mind-altering substances – is the emptiness in our souls too, too large and deep?  Our compulsive substance use reflects a hungry ghost perspective.  Addictions of all kinds cannot be an effective substitute for LOVE!

Here is a limited list.

  1.  Substance use for various reasons – Users hope for periods of brief joy as positive reinforcement and/or escape from and avoidance of suffering as negative reinforcement.
  2.  Substance use for various mental health sufferings – Users learn that certain substances have a brief impact on their suffering in depression, anxiety, trauma, fear, social phobia, and emotion dysregulation.
  3.  Workaholism – We learn early that good work habits imply better success, but we overwork to escape things and/or to build internal security or compensate for insecurity.
  4.  Out-of-control consumerism – We love to buy, buy, buy even when we cannot pay, pay, pay.  Do we need or just want?
  5. Compulsive eating –  Self-medicating often leads to obesity, then sometimes to diabetes, and other types eating disorders. Emotional eating is a very common problem in America.  Supersize me!  And that is exactly what happens.
  6.  Social dependency – We appear to have an extreme fear of being alone.  It may be that empty soul again.
  7.  Extreme perfectionism – Some of us learn this as a way to cover up private insecurities and/or to obtain contingent positive self-esteem and self-concept.  It may also be a behavior to obtain social-emotional value and respect from significant others.
  8.  Sex addiction and sexual rages/compulsions –  Interesting that our sexist society commonly refers to women here, even with diagnostic formats. What about men?
  9.  Various self-medicating behaviors in mental health areas – Depression, anxiety, trauma, fear, social phobia and others; each one has its own forms of self-medicating the clinical conditions, and these forms go BEYOND substance use alone.
  10.  Excessive aggression – Even harming others may produce some form of reinforcement as a contingent means to control situations, dominate people, and/or escape pain.  In non-war environments we lead the world in the number of people killed by gunfire.  Where is our emotional regulation?

A very long time ago, the Buddha (in the Brahmajala Sutta) noted that there are many, many things we may become over-attached to.  This form of attachment can lead to suffering – suffering due to loss of what we want; suffering due to any change; suffering due to general impermanence in life; and, suffering due to old age and illness.

Self-medication

If you discovered your form of self-medication in the list above, consider obtaining competent professional help to modify your habitual trends.  Another option could be to do DAILY practice of mindfulness-based stress reduction skills.  Obtain competent professional help to learn these wise-mind skills AND practice them daily.  In time (perhaps as little as 8-12 weeks according to neuroscience research), brain plasticity changes may occur; you may then notice your unhelpful self-medication is slowly being replaced with a more helpful and healthy habit.  Best of luck on your personal journey to better physical and psychological health.

By Anthony R. Quintiliani, PhD., LADC

From the Eleanor R. Liebman Center for Secular Meditation in Monkton, VermontChiYinYang_EleanorRLiebmanCenter

Author of Mindful Happiness

CLICK HERE to Order!

Mindful Happiness cover designs.indd

For more information refer to  Mate, G. (2018, 2010). In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts: Close Encounters with Addictions. Berkeley, CA: North Atlantic Books, pp. 223-259.

 

 

Filed Under: ANTHONY QUINTILIANI, Featured, MIndfulness, Practices, Self Medication, Suffering Tagged With: ADDICTION, SELF MEDICATING, SUFFERING

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Making the Best of the Holidays Thanks to Sounds True, we have many good suggestions for making the most of the holidays.  It is a norm for the holidays to be happy and joyous, and it is a norm for many people for the holidays to be filled with emotional and behavioral challenges.  To reduce […]

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Relational Suffering and Buddhist Practice Recently I experienced a deep, sudden, afflictive emotional experience. This sudden and profound sense of loss was due to temporary heartbreak; the temporary heartbreak dealt with rejection from a younger woman I found to be interesting and attractive (inside and outside). My “lost” person seemed to possess all the attachment […]

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