Loss, Grief and Suffering in America
By Anthony R. Quintiliani, Ph.D., LADC
Other than our nation’s suffering during The Civil War, The Great Depression, and World War II this past year has been one of the most stress-filled, fear-filled times in our history. Here is a list of the reasons behind it all: the COVID-19 pandemic, racial injustice, legal reactivity, massive unemployment, loss of housing, quarantines, closed schools and colleges, powerful political demonstrations, and a “president” who betrayed his trust and incited riotous violence against the Capital of the United States. Also a “president” who has been impeached not once but twice by The U.S. House of Representatives. What a year!
Types of Loss, Grief and Suffering
Along with the above, we have witnessed increased anxiety, depression, fear, anger and traumatic stress. Although death (loss of a loved one) is by far one of the most 
severe stressors, we also suffer from the virus, separation/divorce, developmental stress, incarceration, and the loss of the way of life in pre-COVID-19. Americans are suffering from various bio-psycho-social-spiritual dimensions of stress, loss and grief. Perhaps the correct words to use are “complicated grief.” Our current experiences with loss and grief go far beyond the stage-based versions of E. Kubler Ross; our current complex grief does not follow neat linear progressions, and includes more serious symptoms. For those who also experienced childhood trauma of various forms or developmental regressions the current experience is more exasperating and dangerous. When loss is catastrophic reactions may include nightmares, shame, guilt, regret, hopelessness and suicide. Cultural differences also play roles in loss and grief as well as its treatment. Therapists must also be aware of the influence of race, gender, sexual orientation, and age.
Treatments for Loss and Complex Grief
Treatments for loss and complex grief are many, but with varying levels of success. Matching treatments to client characteristics, and developing a 
powerful clinical alliance are important for therapeutic success. Below, I list (only) various treatments, most supported by empirical research and practice. I will leave it you the reader to look more deeply into treatments or interventions they may prefer. Here is the list: Trauma-Informed Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, Mindfulness-Based therapies/practices (breath work, meditation, yoga, tai chi, qi-gong and MBSR or ACT), Continued Bonds Theory – the changed internal relationship with the lost person, and Attachment-Informed Grief Therapy – utilizing attachment styles of secure, insecure, anxious or avoidant.
Many therapeutic interventions may be helpful: social-emotional support, recovery journaling, music, exercise, imagery, play therapy, and sand tray work. Generally especially strong empathy is required. Self-care of the therapist is a must. Using Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs may be helpful. Other active interventions include empty-chair work (sitting in the “worry chair” or the lost person chair), self-talk or out-loud talk using stimulus words like relax, breathe, not me, etc. Social networking with new people in groups is often helpful. Improving client self-care and participating in activities associated with joy or satisfaction moves the mind to other things.
In the end, if so many various interventions fail to meet needs, people should consider joining a formal, therapeutic bereavement group. Loss is emotionally tough, and recovery requires complete emotional activation.
For more information refer to: comments of A. Bodner, Ph.D. in The New England Psychologist, p. 2 (Winter, 2021). Hanlon, P. (2021). The Many Faces of Complicated Grief. The New England Psychologist, pp. 1 & 4 (Winter, 2021). Cormier, S. The Transformative Power of Loss. Psychotherapy Networker, pp. 17-18 (January-February, 2021). Cacciatore, J. (2020). Grieving is Loving: Compassionate Words for Bearing the Unbearable. Boston, Wisdom Publications, pp. 1-8.
Anthony R. Quintiliani, PhD., LADC
From the Eleanor R. Liebman Center for Secular Meditation in Monkton, Vermont
Author of Mindful Happiness
It is called an anchor, an anchor that protects us from the random ups and downs of samsaric life. Equanimity helps us to “see” more clearly, thus enabling us to respond to challenging causes and conditions without reactive emotional dysregulation. Ultimately, being in longer periods of equanimity also frees our minds, hearts, and souls from afflictive emotions and experiences. We may learn to handle pain, blame, and loss in a more balanced manner, and we may learn not to attach too strongly to pleasure, praise, and personal benefits. Yes, it is a strong sign of a mature person in a matter practice; it signifies emotional and spiritual maturity. It is the best “Way.”
position to take on the losses we face, we need to become experts in pursuing mindful Right Action. To do so, we must be regular practitioners of mindfulness – mindfulness in its more structured forms. We must live it! This process includes our own self-care: regular meditation and/or yoga, exercise, healthy diet, healthy sleep, and healthy relationships. With the skills and strengths that come from such a regimen of self-care, we are better prepared to adapt, cope, and respond well to emotionally challenging causes, conditions, and situations. Be strong in your contemplative mindfulness; find and use your personal inner strengths; and, follow your deep values as well as personal aspirations. Remain active in your pursuit of equanimity, emotional stability, resilience, and become a much happier person. Part of this process of renewal is to give generously to others. Try not to forget this fact.
way of life, a way to experience being in all its pleasant, neutral, and unpleasant realities. Their work integrates fully modern clinical psychology and the ancient wisdom of Buddhist psychology. The process echoes The Four Noble Truths: What causes human suffering? Is there a way to end human suffering? What role does mindfulness, especially meditation play in this process? What makes up the path to transformation from suffering to happiness?
recognize this is simply all part of normal life experience for us humans. It is also suggesting that you learn and use various “wise mind” skills and practices (mindfulness, meditation, RAIN, yoga, walking meditation, etc.) to help yourself feel and do/be better in life. Rupert Spira in various writings highly influenced by classical Vedanta boiled it down into a few very important understanding – understanding about the way things are, and how we consciously experience the way things are. In the use of laughter to nudge you out of suffering, we may want to pay attention to some of his key ideas. Along with the recognition of wasting lots of emotional energy trying to change what happens to us in primary suffering, it may help to recognize that just allowing or radically accepting what our experience is in this present moment is a form of ultimate truth. Emphasizing neither the body nor the mind in experiencing suffering, we may want to realize that it is simply our conscious awareness of present-moment suffering that makes it so hard to be with it in peace. Being more aware and being more able to just be with your experience no matter what it is are important skills in life. Preferences for pleasant self-objects, other people as objects, things as objects,emotions as objects, and our personal experience as objects – all these associated desires and related cognitive-emotional-behavioral consequences simply produce greater suffering. Once we are skilledenough to just be with our suffering as a part of life, we may be better equipped to become a happier person. Inner quiet, equanimity, liking and loving, loving kindness, compassion, as well as a deeper understanding of reality are all part of moving though suffering and, perhaps, into more happiness. The conditioned mind and body may still seek sense pleasures (short-term joys but 
ultimately long-term causes of suffering), but eventually we may understand that trying to attach/hold onto pleasant emotions and trying to avoid unpleasant emotions gets us nowhere. Pleasant and unpleasant are simply part of the larger life-picture of what is. So what about laughter in all of this?
something, and weight loss. Adding “forced laughter” via laughing yoga or eye-contacted, face-to-face laughter did get people to laugh. Since people had to decide whether or not to cooperate, the terms “forced laughter” may be inappropriate. Since, according to certain neuroscience opinions, the body cannot recognize differences in authentic laughter and forced laughter – this research may be quite meaningful. Also, again from neuroscience research, we know that facial emotional expressions find their way into the brain. Like the body, the brain (other than exaggerated executive criticism) cannot differentiate natural laughter from other forms of laughter. The more and longer people laughed, the better the outcomes were.
