Mindful Happiness

Anthony Quintiliani, Ph.D, LADC

  • Home
  • Dr. Anthony Quintiliani
    • About
  • Mindful Happiness
  • Mindful Expressions Meditation CD
  • Contact

April 3, 2017 By Admin

Tips for Building Healthy Intimate Relationships

Building Healthy Intimate Relationships:

Intimate relationships are often the source of many years of happiness and satisfaction, and sometimes the cause of great pain and suffering. It depends! I will list various realities of initiating and maintaining a positive intimate relationship.  After reading these, ask yourself: Where is my relationship? If you are unhappy, do something about it. Stay safe in the process.

Known Characteristics of Healthy Intimate Relationships:

  1. Do your best to maintain balance between independence and dependence on each other. Decisions and related behaviors need to be mutually acceptable to avoid conflict. Too much independence, and too much dependence tend to make relationships a bit rocky at time. Work hard together to find the Middle Way here. Some mutuality is required.
  2. Compromise and, if necessary sacrifice, to maintain a mutually happy interpersonal context. Too much entitlement and controlling behavior harms good relationships; not caring much at all about what your partner does without you may lead to the same outcome. Again, work at finding a mutual point of caring and being cared about.
  3. Good communications skills are a necessary component of maintaining a healthy relationship.  If there are communication blocks, especially when emotional issues are involved, the relationship may not work out well. Be careful of communication that is dominant and/or submissive. It needs to be effective and share qualities of equality and mutual respect.
  4. Dominance and power inequality almost always cause close relationship to fail.  If there are parts of the relationship where one party maintains strong dominance, failure is almost a predicted reality. If either party holds dominance in certain areas, this must be offset by the other party being more dominant in other areas. Balance of shared dominance is tricky, but it can work. Notice how mutuality and compromise keep coming up.
  5. If your partner has a serious character or behavioral issue  (violence or addiction for example), and you HOPE to help her/him change – good luck.  Holding onto relationships with built-in ongoing conflicts, where one party has intention to help/change/fix the other are usually doomed. One person cannot control another person!
  6. Mutuality of sexual intimacy and pleasure in the bedroom are important. Sexual pleasure as a loving act must be shared by both partners in intimate relationships.
  7. Mentalization, or returning to an executive/cognitive focus, may be an important variable in successful relationships. This is more important when highly emotional issues arise; to prevent limbic-brain reactivity andanger, intimate partners need to retreat to their executive, cognitive, prefrontal brain power. Taking a break from complicated conversations may be helpful.
  8. Good mindfulness skills may be important.  When partners in an intimate relationship have emotional conflicts, it is important to PRESS the pause button and reflect on what is happening right now in the present moment. Try not to evaluate so much; better to observe, be fully aware, and respond carefully and effectively. Find middle ground!
  9. Know thyself!  The better you understand your own needs and preferences, the more apt you are to consider the consequences of reactive behavior. Same is true for your partner.  Of course, both of you must know each other very well to help your relationship be successful in both life and love. Both of you have strengths and weaknesses acting on the relationship.
  10. If you or your partner suffer from anxiety or depression do your best to be kind and helpful to each other. In some cases, psychological issues may lead to chronic feelings of abandonment anxiety and abandonment depression: anxiety about the possible loss of the relationship, and depression when/if you actually do lose it or part of it.  Get professional help as needed.
  11. When couples experience serious challenges to their relationship, it may be helpful to use more advanced mindfulness skills. These may include: present moment awareness, non judging, radical acceptance, tolerance, compassion/self compassion, clear seeing, RAIN practice, observing sensations and emotions w/o acting on them, and kindness. Be good to each other.
  12. We also must contend with the realities of brain neuroscience.  Three brain substances are necessary to activate certain pathways (motivation, pleasure, intimacy); these are dopamine, endogenous opioids, and oxytocin. Within intimate relationship spheres, these three often interact together and their dominant brain areas activate accordingly. We need motivation to work at the goal (a mutually rewarding relationship); we need the impact of concrete rewards for feeling pleasure and wanting more; and, we need to have empathic intimacy in relational interactions. Any malfunction of these brain pathways may cause failure in intimate relationships.
  13. When all else fails, returning to the biblical story of Adam and Eve may be helpful (if you are a believer).  They were living in the garden of eden, and Eve decided to be more assertive and pursue what she desired (attachment here). Once the deed was done (the apple was eaten), they would be banished – and by the way Eve would be blamed. Sound familiar? Adam decided to stay with her, and later after leaving Eden they had two children.  One child killed the other, but they did not give up. They had a third child. Despite chauvinistic character assassination of Eve by male church leaders, they did according to the story live a happier life than one would expect.
  14. If all else fails, and you both want the relationship last, go into couples counseling with a skilled, licensed psychotherapist.

For more information refer to Brogaard, B. (2017). On Romantic Love: Simple Truths about a Complex Emotion. Oxford, UK: Oxford University Press. See also Becker-Phelps, L. (2014). Insecure in Love. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger, and Feiler, B. (2017). The First Love Story: Adam, Eve, and Us. New York: Penguin Books. See also Azab, M. The neuroscience of wanting and pleasure. www.psychologytoday.com/blog/neuroscience-in-everyday-life/2017…Retrieved on March 27, 2017.

Anthony R. Quintiliani, PhD., LADC

From the Eleanor R. Liebman Center for Secular Meditation in Monkton, VermontChiYinYang_EleanorRLiebmanCenter

Author of Mindful Happiness  

Mindful Happiness cover designs.indd

New Edition of Mindful Happiness in Production…Coming soon!

 

Filed Under: Activities, Featured, Happiness, Human Needs, Intimacy, Mindful Loving, Relationships, Self Care Tagged With: HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS, INTIMATE RELATIONSHIPS, MINDFUL HAPPINESS, TIPS

Twitter

Mindful Happiness -Currently in Production

Mindful Happiness Posts

Human Needs and Spiritual Experience and the Need for Supportive Rituals From the Eleanor R. Liebman Center for Secular Meditation in Monkton, Vermont Recently the Human Givens Blog in the United Kingdom presented a post about human needs.  I will paraphrase their information as well as information from other sources for Mindful Happiness.  Having such […]

In Times of Uncertainty; Clinical Practice H. Colodro and J. Oliver provide sound advice in their new book, A Guide to Self-Care for Practitioners in Times of Uncertainty. This 2020 New Harbinger publication is loaded with helpful suggestions on surviving, even thriving, in our time of struggle. Their core questions include: What do my clients need most […]

Looking at Early Judeo-Chrsitian Meditation Practice An early description of enlightened liberation in Buddhist meditation practice reads like this: Birth is destroyed, the spiritual life has been lived, what had to be done has been done. There is no more coming back to any state of being.  Ignorance was banished and true knowledge arose, darkness […]

Improving Client/Patient Collaboration  in Treatment To improve collaboration between you and your clients/patients, simply practice the following behaviors as your norms.  See the list below, and practice, practice, practice. Present with an attitude of helpfulness and authentic caring. Empathy and authentic concern are required. Recognize the reality that clients/patients are at different levels of readiness […]

Trauma Informed Care – The Absolute Basics This post aims at providing a very basic introduction to Trauma Informed Care.  Advanced versions of this information are available from the author.  So what is Trauma Informed Care (hereafter TIC)?  Below I have listed rationales of need and core characteristics of TIC in organizations. Why We Need […]

Preverbal Trauma – Therapy Problems A. R. Quintiliani, Ph.D., LADC Preverbal trauma (hereafter PVT) is one of the most pervasively troubling human conditions. PVT occurs when a preverbal child is exposed to parental, caretaker, or other forms of abuse. This abuse may be sexual, physical, or emotional. This form of abuse is so destructive because […]

How Suicide impacts Psychotherapists One of the greatest fears of psychotherapists is that one of their clients will commit suicide.  Here are some common reactions of psychotherapists when one of their clients commits suicide.  In some ways these reactions are sequential, but no exact concrete sequence is well documented. Here is a list to consider. […]

Mindful Leadership Skills: How to Lead in Wise Mind Ways Researchers dealing with leadership skills have noted several acquired characteristics of effective leaders.  These same skills may be used in spreading “the word” about how mindfulness and wise mind practices reduce stress reactivity, enhance compassion, and expand the possibilities for human happiness, inner peace and […]

Mindfulness-Based Therapy for Trauma In line with the thousands of studies now available supporting the use of mindfulness-based interventions in depression, anxiety, chronic pain and addictions (via emotion regulation and interoception), this post will review recommended mindfulness interventions for trauma and PTSD. The post will note information from two recent books on this topic. Also recognize […]

Approaches to Treating Chronic Pain Chronic pain is one of the most common and costly physical conditions in the United States. The following approaches have proven to be somewhat effective in reducing personal suffering from chronic pain. Although some of these can be practiced on your own, it is wise to work with a pain […]

Relational Suffering and Buddhist Practice Recently I experienced a deep, sudden, afflictive emotional experience. This sudden and profound sense of loss was due to temporary heartbreak; the temporary heartbreak dealt with rejection from a younger woman I found to be interesting and attractive (inside and outside). My “lost” person seemed to possess all the attachment […]

Mindful Equanimity and Homeostasis Neuroscientist Antonio Demasio’s new book  The Strange Order of Things: Life, Feeling, and the Making of Culture. (2018) New York: Pantheon Books notes the very important role homeostasis plays in human life and well being. In some ways homeostasis is about the arising, falling, and balancing out of all things important to human […]

Amitabha Buddha – Pure Land Meditation The following meditation had been modified by me to make it a more specific self-healing meditation and to better fit the time we now live in. Sit quietly and complete 3-4 deep, calming breaths. Pay attention to the quality and density of the light you see outside of your […]

Advanced Meditations – Middle Way -Wisdom Path Between Extremes These meditation practices are advanced, and combine complex ideas from Nagarjuna (Indian Master), T’ong-Kha-Pa (Tibetan Master), and The 14th Dalai Lama (Tenzin Gyatso).  In keeping with the mixed secular nature of my meditation center, I have decided to present these complex ideas with several of my […]

ACT – The Absolute Basics; Acceptance & Commitment Therapy In this post I begin a series of writing dealing with ACT, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy. The details below are basic, but perhaps just enough to develop more interest in learning about ACT. Here we go! 1) Act, developed mainly by Steven Hayes Ph.D.and based on […]

College Students – Mental Health in The US R. Quintiliani, Ph.D., LADC The Association of University and College Counseling Center Directors has released data on the mental health status of American college students.  Two survey between 2016 and 2018 yielded results from as far back as 2014. Here are some selected statistics (rounded): Anxiety 47-61%; […]

Core Elements in Clinical Supervision In addition to what supervisors bring into group supervision and clinical training, the list below will be used for discussion about YOUR supervisory role. The order of content below is generally random. The content noted applies to clinical supervision; it could also apply to doing effective therapy. The skills and […]

Self-Help Journaling – Two Methods Generally there are two forms of self-help journaling: writing about worries and concerns OR writing about joy and happiness. In my more than 35 years of clinical experience I have not found the former to be very helpful. Most people stuck in negative mood states are not easily able to […]

Zen Buddhist Practices – Egolessness In our practice we often inquire, and sometimes experience, the no-self and/or egolessness. What is egolessness? Who and what do we think we are? Some say that when we die the essence but not the ego lives on into new experiences. Karma and re-birth are givens in this spiritual view. […]

Practicing Interoceptive Meditations Anthony R. Quintiliani, Ph.D., LADC The mindfulness-based process and intervention of interoception (also called neuroception) has slowly moved from meditation practice into clinical practice, now being part of the recommended MBSR, ACT, and more current CBT-based therapies. The three brief meditations below are presented to expand the use of interoceptive processes in […]

Mindful Categories

Mindful Happiness Pages

  • About
  • Contact
  • Dr. Anthony Quintiliani
  • Mindful Expressions Meditation CD
  • Mindful Happiness
  • Site Map

Copyright © 2023 · Mindful Happiness