Mindful Happiness

Anthony Quintiliani, Ph.D, LADC

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September 29, 2019 By Admin

Self-Care to Reduce Compassion Fatigue

Self-Care to Reduce Compassion Fatigue

First let’s begin with what some people do to counteract the stressors of living in a hurried,“over-technologized” world. Technically, “technologize” is not a popularly accepted word, but it is a sad  reality. We live in a time when texting while driving may become the new addiction-based cause for many, many deaths. This addiction is so strong people do it in situations that could case their injury or death, or the injury or death of others. Sound familiar! It should. Cellphone “abuse” is not so different from the plans of cigarette producers to “hook” us on something we will pay for during many years. So here is a partial list of what people tend to do when faced with severe stressors.

What people tend to do that does NOT improve their stress reactivity long-term:

  1. “Smoke and Coke” – a phrase referring to smoking nicotine and drinking sugary soft-drinks when you cannot cope well and feel dragged down with your stressful life and want to feel stimulated.
  2. Of course there is always excessive alcohol and/or drug use as self-medication.
  3. Sleeping – too little or too much, including late onset and too early awakening.
  4. Eating – too little or too much, and may include binging and purging.
  5. Hoarding for whatever security it brings.
  6. Obsessive compulsive  behaviors – as behaviors for security actions to make us feel better.
  7. Being aggressive when it is not necessary to defend yourself.
  8. Insulating yourself from contact with others.
  9. Living under a “victimhood” self-identification. This can change everything!
  10. Participating in self-harming behaviors to activate neurologic, chemical and hormonal changes in your brain and body.
  11. Engagement in unsafe sexual activities to feel “excitement” and/or “loved.”
  12. Spending too much time online or on my “I-Smart” phone. The phone becomes your life!
  13. Doing too much exercise, especially when injuries occur.
  14. Being a person of uncontrollable empathy – a clear boundary issue that wares you out.
  15. Making your job too much of your life – workaholism or compensation for poor self-esteem?
  16. Making do with professional, work stagnation.
  17. Remaining stuck in impaired practices – the most common one being emotional dysregulation.

What people can do that does improve stress reactivity and may even increase joy in life:

  1. Taking brief breaks from the “grind” of work.
  2. Recognizing and contemplating personal gratitude for what you DO have.
  3. Noticing and correcting unhelpful thoughts, emotions, behaviors and communications.
  4. Learning to hold a positive, optimistic mindset and attitude.
  5. Liberating yourself from “stuckness” in anxiety, depression, addictions, and trauma. This most often requires professional help and/or self-help.
  6. Cutting way back on your online time. Researchers suggest anything beyond 3-4 hours/day is a habitual pattern. What do our jobs, schools and parents contribute to the habitual tendencies of habit-forming digital/electronic devices?
  7. Ignoring FOMO!
  8. Spending time reading, writing,  journaling about helpful things.
  9. Spending time listening and/or playing music.
  10. Spending time dancing and/or doing regular exercise.
  11. Spending time doing regular practice of meditation, yoga, tai chi, qi gong, mindful walking.
  12. Petting your dog or cat – or horse. Looking into their eyes when they allow it.
  13. Spending time walking in nature.
  14. Learning to give/get social-emotional support.
  15. Learning to leave work at work – learn to build emotional boundaries.
  16. Practice limit-setting regarding your boundaries and what you do to help others.
  17. Making a firm commitment to improve your wellness.
  18. Taking part in constructive self-reflection.
  19. Paying more attention to positives ( natural for the brain to do the opposite).
  20. Helpful nutrition, sleep and exercise practices.
  21. Learn to play more; learn to be active in creative expression.
  22. Participating in regular spiritual practices.
  23. Spending more quality time with loved ones and good friends when helpful.
  24. Leaving some time to just be in quiet, silent solitude.
  25. Seeking professional help as soon as you “feel” you MAY need it, or when others who care about you “think” you need it.

You will notice that the helpful list is longer than the unhelpful list. However, the unhelpful behaviors are often more automatic, and the helpful behaviors REQUIRE considerable effort to carry out. Your wellness must be a priority for you.

For more information refer to Bray, B. (2019). Counselors as human beings not superheroes. Counseling Today (October, 2019), 18-25

Anthony R. Quintiliani, PhD., LADC  

From the Eleanor R. Liebman Center for Secular Meditation in Monkton, Vermont and the Home of The Monkton SanghaChiYinYang_EleanorRLiebmanCenter

Author of Mindful Happiness  

Mindful Happiness cover designs.indd

New Edition of Mindful Happiness in Production…Coming soon!

 

Filed Under: ANTHONY QUINTILIANI, Calming, Compassion Fatigue, Destructive Emotions, Emotions, Featured, Inner Peace, Interventions, Mindful Awareness, MIndfulness, Recovery, Self -Kindness, Self Care, Self Compassion, Stress Reduction, Success, Tools, True Self, Well Being Tagged With: ANTHONY QUINTILIANI, COMPASSION, MINDFUL HAPPINESS, MINDFULNESS, STRESS REDUCTION

August 15, 2019 By Admin

Advanced Practice in Tara Brach’s RAIN Protocol

Advanced Practice in Tara Brach’s RAIN Protocol

So often we humans find ourselves in a state of limbic disarray, with ego defenses stimulating our need to protect ourselves from others – even from ourselves. We feel something is very wrong in this moment, and we allow separateness to pull us into a frenzied effort to escape pain and suffering. At such times our most deeply hidden negative self-views strengthen and dominate. We will do almost anything to escape the aloneness and self-alienation. Endless impulses to seek what is wrong and forget what is right take over our emotional lives. It is at such times of strong emotional challenge that we need to take refuge in the Buddha, the Dharma, and the Sangha. Tara Brach’s creation of the RAIN process is a huge leap in a sane direction. According to Brach, RAIN helps us overcome tendencies to activate the “second arrow” of suffering; our second arrows are caused by unhelpful thoughts, feelings, emotions, body sensations, and behaviors related to the “first arrow.” The first arrow is the original event or experience that caused our pain and suffering. Often our reactivity to it makes matters worse – we suffer more in our own minds and bodies. Below I will review the RAIN process and make additional comments on its usefulness and versatility in ongoing self-care and emotional self-regulation. The practice of RAIN skills is appropriate for all people – helpers and helpees.

  1. The first step of RAIN is recognition of what we are experiencing in this moment. What is happening now and how am I experiencing it in mind, body, heart and soul? This focus is on our inner emotional experience, and the causes and conditions creating them. Strong attention is necessary here. Recognition requires a cognitive shift from the auto-pilot of fear, pain, and desire to escape into a mental state of mindful attention in the now. We recognize our thoughts, emotions, sensations, behaviors, and habitual action urges.  This momentary shift into control helps our prefrontal executive brain to take action, and reduces limbic dominance in unpleasant experiences. For now, we are no longer at the mercy of negative emotional events and experiences. In fact we are at the starting point of liberation. We are participating in the experience and our responses to it. Like in DBT, we may find ourselves describing what we have now recognized. Tell yourself what you are experiencing and remain strong, emotionally. We may notice that anxiety, fear, depression, addiction – even some aspects of trauma – begin to transform slightly via the relatively simple cognitive act of recognition.
  2. The second step of RAIN is radical acceptance of the experience of pain and suffering in this present moment. This means that we allow whatever pain and suffering we are experiencing in this moment. With self-kindness we may place our hand over our heart (Thich Nhat Hanh) and breathe into the accepted experience of suffering. We learn to hold ourselves in loving self-presence within the limited space and time of the negative experience. We may experience self-compassion in this process. The act of allowing implies a strong “yes” to whatever is happening now, and it also implies an intention to become capable of handling the experience. This is similar but not exactly what D. W. Winnicott described in how humans are “going on being.” With self-compassion and self-acknowledgement, we allow ourselves to be in this unpleasant experience of suffering. This process, obviously, takes some courage to do. If the suffering involves other people, Winnicott’s view of “intersubjective space” and Kohut’s view of “experience-near empathy” may apply. We have moved from fear and suffering to recognition and now emotional oneness with the experience. Now it is time to add more cognitive control to the process, thus expanding emotional regulation.
  3. The third step  of RAIN is to investigate why now. This is a more cognitive intervention of analysis, analysis of our environment, belief, needs, and strengths. This shift enables us to stop negatively judging ourselves and others; this shift bring a more true presence into the emotional feeling state. Again, the cognitive intervention brings more stability to mind and body in the experience of suffering. Investigating enhances the meditative stance of the observing mind: I am not this experience (anxiety, fear, depression, anger, small-self, marginalization, etc.) , but I am experiencing this! At times this one realization can bring relief from negative emotional triggers embedded in our lives. We may experience pain and suffering in the process, but we are doing so with great mindful discernment. We are NOT the experience, but we are in the experience. It is not us, but it is happening to us. When we investigate, we may ask: Why now? Why me? With self-kindness and mindful strength we reduce reactivity and tendencies to escape or self-medicate. The strong large self is taking charge.
  4. The last step of RAIN non-identification with the experience as self, and more realization that the experience is happening to me and is not me (no-self). Here we practice BEING the true-self, the larger self, the expansive self. We slowly and gently open up a calm, secure space in our hearts. We realize we are not fused with the negative experience or its causes and conditions; we dis-identify with the small escaping self, and over-identify with the stronger, defused, more capable self. With a little luck and skill, we may even experience spiritual transcendence and/or feeling of liberation. We may realize that the self experiencing the suffering is a temporary, small piece of being in this life; the self that is recognizing, accepting, investigating, and not over-identifying is stronger and expanding into the emptiness of ultimate reality. Time and space may be altered. We may become our spiritual experience. We are ready for our next steps.

For more information refer to Brach, T. (2013). True Refuge: Finding Peace and Freedom in Your Own Awkward Heart. New York: Bantam Books. See also Tara Brach’s other works – Radical Self-Acceptance: A Buddhist Guide to Freeing Yourself from Shame.  See also Meditations for Emotional Healing: Finding Freedom in the Face of Difficulty.

Anthony R. Quintiliani, PhD., LADC  

From the Eleanor R. Liebman Center for Secular Meditation in Monkton, Vermont and the Home of The Monkton SanghaChiYinYang_EleanorRLiebmanCenter

Author of Mindful Happiness  

Mindful Happiness cover designs.indd

New Edition of Mindful Happiness in Production…Coming soon!

 

Filed Under: ANTHONY QUINTILIANI, Buddhism, Coping, Emotions, Featured, Healing, Healing, Inner Peace, Meditation, Mental Health, MIndfulness, RAIN Skills, Self Care, Tara Brach, Training, Well Being Tagged With: ANTHONY QUINTILIANI, MINDFUL HAPPINESS, RAIN SKILLS, TARA BRACH

June 15, 2019 By Admin

In-Depth Means to Discover and Be Your True Self

In-Depth Means to Discover and Be Your True Self

Henry David Thoreau reminded us that it is not what you look at, but it is what you see that matters. How do you SEE yourself?  John Muir reminded us that the sun shines in us as well as in our souls. Do you find “the healing light” in your soul? The following “thinkers” have provided some interested self-search methods for us to consider; try some of these to find your own true self and be grateful.

Arvni Nan Futuronsky, Thomas Moore, and Christopher Germer – According to these people, finding the true center of the true self requires a mindfully deep questing processes, which may include regular silent meditation and inner self-contemplation. Being stuck in past struggles, painful experiences, and general suffering block not only finding our true self but also it’s healing capacities. Likewise being stuck in anxiety, fear, depression, loneliness, trauma, addictions (including “I-Smartphone” addiction), self-doubt, and non-stop critical thinking – all harm our true self and keep us in cyclical patterns of suffering and despair. Samsara is dominant here. These are very serious problems, and they are not overcome without considerable personal effort.  However, locating and “seeing” the good of your true self will enable you to grow and be happier. Confirm and affirm yourself! Use your self-leadership to experience pure self-compassion and maintain a mindfully oriented mind.  Find your strengths and pleasures in art, literature, poetry, nature, metaphors, myth, random movements, and facial expressions of pleasure.  Spend more personal and silent time in nature. Study, experience, and appreciate these many resources of the self. With regular practice improved habits of mind-body realities will occur in both self-narratives and behavioral ways. You must practice regularly. Trade some “worry time” for beneficial practice time.

J. Belmont in Embrace Your Greatness.. recommends that you unconditionally and radically accept yourself as being “good enough” (D.W. Winnicott). It is not a problem to have human imperfections; our race if loaded with imperfections – it is normal. Our highly competitive and sometimes violent society, however, entrains us to focus on negatives in life. Even our brain is designed to emphasize negatives; the human Limbic System is designed for survival, thus our focus on negatives may be part of our genetic heritage to survive. To improve regularly practice letting go of your inner critical voices – your own inner voice as well as critical, projected voices from others. Do not respond to typical, habitual, conditioned “shoulds.” Emphasize and take advantage of your own possible post-traumatic growth. Seek it in yourself and it will be there. Pay very close attention to your personal strengths, and take the time to list them and read them periodically. Meditate, practice yoga, and remain mindful daily.

Other Things to Do

  1. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy – If you know this approach, use it’s diffusion and distancing techniques often. Clarification here is beyond the scope of this post. Google it, or look up information available on this blog site.
  2. Kundalini Yoga – Certain easy and energetic practices of taking in and pushing out may be helpful . The approach using your arms to take into the body something you want and saying “YES” with louder and louder force might help you.  Likewise, using your arms to push out something you do not want and saying “NO” (with louder force) in the process can be helpful. Teaching you this is beyond the scope of this post.  Google it.
  3. Likewise using Loving Kindness Meditation and Yoga Nidra processes are often helpful to us humans. Once again, it is not the focus of this blog post to teach you these practices. Google them, or look them up elsewhere in this blog site. Practice! Practice! Practice!

For more information you may wish to refer to Belmont, J. (2019). Embrace Your Greatness…Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.

Anthony R. Quintiliani, PhD., LADC  

From the Eleanor R. Liebman Center for Secular Meditation in Monkton, Vermont and the Home of The Monkton SanghaChiYinYang_EleanorRLiebmanCenter

Author of Mindful Happiness  

Mindful Happiness cover designs.indd

New Edition of Mindful Happiness in Production…Coming soon!

 

Filed Under: Compassion, Featured, Self Care, Self Esteem, True Self, Well Being, Yoga Tagged With: BE YOUR TRUE SELF, EMBRACE YOUR GREATNESS, J BELMONT, KUNDALINI YOGA, MINDFUL HAPPINESS, SAMSARA, TRUE SELF

October 30, 2018 By Admin

Setting Emotional Boundaries from Work to Life

Setting Emotional Boundaries from Work to Life

Anthony R. Quintiliani, Ph.D., LADC

Sometimes setting emotional boundaries from the psychotherapy room to your life outside of work can be a difficult thing to do. Shifting from “experience near empathy” (Kohut), “unconditional positive regard” (Rogers), “hovering attention” (Freud), “the holding environment” in “intersubjective space” (Winnicott),  and compassionate awareness to emotional distancing, separation, and dispassion is no easy task. In more in-depth clinical interactions, the process of projective identification between therapist and client may drain your emotional resources; sometimes being “as if” you were the experiencer of your client’s pain and suffering can take a serious toll on your own emotional resources. At time the therapist’s own emotional life lacks the quality of connection experienced in the therapy session. Success in setting emotional boundaries is a very important self-care skill. It may determine your success, failure, joy, or misery in the clinical work you do. It will definitely prevent most case of “burn out.”

Therapists may wish to complete a brief self-care assessment at the end of each emotionally demanding day. Some things to check are as follows:

  1. Are you taking care of your own physical, psychological, spiritual, and emotional needs?
  2. Are you using mindfulness, self-compassion, clinical supervision, or journaling to get to know how you are doing?
  3. Are you valuing yourself enough regarding self-rewards, positive self-talk, cognitive and behavioral restructuring?
  4. Are you giving yourself time to experience some form of creativity?
  5. What about your spiritual self?
  6. Do you spend quality time in nature, among the awe of it all?
  7. Are you involved in the type of quality relationship you desire?
  8. Be sure to act on your own behalf if you find problems in the above areas.

Another very powerful process is to develop improving self-compassion for yourself, often blurring the inner boundaries of your own emotional life experience and the clinical work you do. Therapists are, in the end, only people with a set of specific helping skills. We suffer just like other people do. Hopefully, our training and experience have given us a bit of a positive edge here. Here are some things you may wish to consider to improve your own level of self-compassion.

  1. Using mindful awareness, observe the level and intensity of your self-criticism.
  2. Let go of personal resistance to being real, being your true self.
  3. Get out of your head! Get out of the past!
  4. Do loving kindness meditation often.
  5. Recognize your own difficult emotions (shame, anger, revenge, trying to control others, etc.), and simply be with them as a sacred part of who you are and be real about it. Use emotion regulation to improve things.
  6. Practice much more self-appreciation.
  7. Do not dwell on the pain and suffering of your past. All that stuff probably made you a stronger person.
  8. Welcome and LOVE all of you, with special attention to the sacred quality of your own life suffering.
  9. When you experience or re-experience anxiety, depression, addictive behaviors, or trauma – hold an open, soft heart for it.  Then make changes to improve your life experience.
  10. Always get help when you need it, and do your best not to dwell on what you have little control over.
  11. Be certain too make changes to improve self-compassion regarding any problem areas above.

Fo more information refer to Norcross, J. C. and VandenBos, G. R. (2018). Leaving it at the Office: A Guide to Psychotherapist Self-Care. New York: Guilford.  Neff, K. and Germer, C. (2018). The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook: A Proven Way to Accept Yourself, Build Inner Strength, and Thrive. New York: Guilford.

Anthony R. Quintiliani, PhD., LADC

From the Eleanor R. Liebman Center for Secular Meditation in Monkton, Vermont and the Home of The Monkton SanghaChiYinYang_EleanorRLiebmanCenter

Author of Mindful Happiness  

Mindful Happiness cover designs.indd

New Edition of Mindful Happiness in Production…Coming soon!

 

Filed Under: Boundries, Featured, Leadership, MBSR, Mindful Awareness, MIndfulness, Self -Kindness, Self Care, Self Compassion, Self Esteem, Spiriuality, Stress Reduction, Therapist, Therapy, Well Being Tagged With: EMOTIONAL BOUNDRIES, MBSR, SELF CARE, THERAPY.

September 12, 2017 By Admin

Consciousness, Emptiness, and Well Being

Consciousness, Emptiness, and Well Being

This is an advanced post on the complex relationship among consciousness (awareness), emptiness, and well being. Readers with advanced understanding of Buddhist Psychology will recognize the inherent relationships among consciousness, emptiness, and well being and interactions with core Buddhist concepts and experiences such as happiness and suffering, impermanence, non-dual nature, dependent origination, and emptiness of all phenomena related to the former.  It is the total integration of these concepts, processes, and experiences that guide us on our personal path to enlightenment or nirvana. If we achieve wise-mind skills and meaningful regular meditation/yoga practice – as well as keep the above information in mind – we will also achieve mind and body wellness to the highest possible levels.

In an advanced contribution to our understanding of consciousness, , R. Spira (2017). The Nature of Consciousness opens up many doors of awareness to just what consciousness is and what it is not. Spira reminds us that only consciousness is aware of consciousness, and that WE are the only conscious entities that are aware of experiencing it.  Unlike the epiphenomena of the universe, in which we become aware of the seamless, unified wholeness of it all, the space between the subjective (our mind – the I/Me/Mine)) and the objective (something outside or inside that you become aware of) eventually leads us to an error in perception: That we are separate, substantial, solid individuals experiencing separate, substantial, solid things in the world.  We believe the objects and experiences we are aware of are solid, full, real forms of form in a very temporary time-space continuum. However, our consciousness and awareness are transparent, empty, and formless; thus, our mind-body of experience making sensory contact with objects – and registering as pleasant, unpleasant or neutral – is also transparent, empty, and formless. It is simply just how the mind and body function. Consciousness has no set of values or valences; it is simply a state of neutral awareness.

Leading physicists (Einstein, Planck, Bohr, and Schrodinger to name a few) have for a very long time noted that observation effects the observed; that is that subjective (mind) investigation of objects of matter do change the objects of matter.  We can only observe the wave energy or the particle at one time but not both.  As we observe subjectively, the object of observation undergoes some form of change. Perhaps this is the barely noticed effect of the very subtle energy in observation impacting the observed. So our consciousness is the only absolute reality of all things that appear to exist. The momentary sensory contact with objects and experiences produces that which consciousness is aware of. So, with these somewhat heavy viewpoints from Buddhist Psychology, we will examine upclose the meditative experience of being conscious of pure emptiness. Personal awareness of your consciousness is a neutral continuum of constancy, but sensory contact with objects and experiences leading to pleasant, neutral, or unpleasant feelings is a limited time-space phenomenon in the present moment.

As you meditate, apply complete attention, awareness, and deep consciousness on the following statements about your possible meditative experience here now. This is difficult; do your best.

  1. Consider the reality of physical, empty, transparent space between your mind and the object of interest.
  2. This inter subject-object space is invisible, but your consciousness knows it is there (close or far).
  3. We can experience timeless-space and spaceless-time.
  4. Since the essential nature of mind is awareness (pure and empty consciousness), our space-time and time-space consciousness is borderless and boundless.
  5. In the experience of conscious emptiness there is no up, down, right, left, outside or inside – there is no solid object entity, just atomic space and surrounding space.
  6. The human mind is the action of pure consciousness/awareness via sensory contact with objects.
  7. Our awareness of being conscious of our consciousness means that is the only true entity of the self.
  8. It is the I/Me/Mine of the ego that registers consciousness of something, anything.
  9. Consciousness of ultimate emptiness is the highest understanding possible in human life as well as in physics.

For more details refer to Spira, R. (2017). The Nature of Consciousness: Essays on the Unity of Mind and Matter. Oxford, UK: Sahara Publications, pp. 3, 19-33.

Anthony R. Quintiliani, PhD., LADC

From the Eleanor R. Liebman Center for Secular Meditation in Monkton, VermontChiYinYang_EleanorRLiebmanCenter

Author of Mindful Happiness  

Mindful Happiness cover designs.indd

New Edition of Mindful Happiness in Production…Coming soon!

Filed Under: Consciousness, Emptiness, Featured, Well Being Tagged With: BUDDHISM, CONSCIOUSNESS, EMPTINESS, MINDFULNESS, WELL BEING

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