Anger Archives - Mindful Happiness

November 4, 2016 By Admin

Strategies to Cool Your Hot Emotions

Strategies to Cool Your Hot Emotions: Using Mind and Body

First, let me note that one of the best sets of mind-body approaches to cooling down hot emotional reactions can be found in the various emotion regulation skills and practices in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (created by Marsha M. Lineman, a practicing Buddhist). These skills may be better suited for informed therapist than the lay public; however, the skills have been proven to be effective so all parties may benefit from practicing them. A less complex list includes many of the suggestions noted below.

Drink lots of cold, pure water.
Splash very cold water on your wrists and face (dive response).
Move your body – sit if standing, and stand if sitting; walk if still, and be still if moving. Moving your body changes your internal physiology thus perhaps changing your emotional reactivity.
Practice slow, deep abdominal breathing to calm down.
Cry if it helps, especially if you are about to activate an aggressive action urge.
Since emotional reactions happen quickly, learn how to use interoception as a way to become aware of inner body sensations that lead to related emotional behaviors.
Practice befriending your emotional reactions by being curious about them and caring for them gently as if a newborn baby.
Practice compassion and self-compassion when interpersonal conflicts lead you to emotional dysregulation.
Do your best to STOP, pause for a moment to see if that helps.
Practice RAIN skills- recognize, analyze, investigate, and realize it is not you just emotions. Thoughts and emotions may/may not be about reality. Since these steps are highly cognitive, they may bring control back into your executive brain and away from your limbic system.
Practice being your own best friend. What would you suggest your best friend should do in such a situation. Again, thinking may restore frontal executive brain control.
Know your limbic brain system, which overreacts almost all of the time. The best way to do this is to become more mindful about your emotional reactions. Study them!
Do more meditation, yoga, and exercise! If you practice 20 minutes or more a day, you may not need the other skills above.

For more details refer to Lineman, M. M. (1993). Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder. New York: Guilford Press. See also Nelson, K. October News. Retrieved 10-27-16. Smiechowski, J. A Quick Way to Cool Heated Emotions. Easy Health Options. Retrieved 10-26-16.

By Anthony R. Quintiliani, PhD., LADC

From the Eleanor R. Liebman Center for Secular Meditation in Monkton, Vermont

Author of Mindful Happiness

New Edition of Mindful Happiness in Production…Coming soon!

April 4, 2015 By Admin

Practical Actions for Overcoming Anger

Overcoming the Hindrances of Ill-Will and Aversion

Although regular daily practice and sincerely following of The Eight-Fold Path in one’s life may be the best ways to overcome various hindrances, there may be some additional practical suggestions to consider on the path. We will begin our discussion with common human pain and suffering; we will end the post with skills for dealing more effectively with anger. When we experience suffering in conditions that include other people as causes, we may project our painful experience as anger against them. Blame is the great triangle of hopelessness; if we can blame another person for our suffering, we disavow any need to change our own behaviors (thoughts, words, and actions). Causes of pain lead to pain, but pain does not always need to lead to personal suffering.

Human Pain and Suffering:

We humans are here on earth for many reasons. However, no matter what container you place your experiences into, the experiences tend to fall into three general categories: neutrality/boredom, joy/happiness, and pain/suffering. The next time you experience serious pain and suffering, try talking TO it. If you like “self-talk” better as a description of this process that is fine. Here are some things you could say to yourself.

1) “Pain is inevitable, but suffering does not always have to follow.”

2) “Neither pain nor suffering are new to me. I have experienced them in the past, and I realize they are impermanent.”

3) “To better understand my pain and suffering I need to pay close attention to them. It is MY pain and suffering”

4) “Is it possible that I may be responsible for some of the suffering if not the pain?”

5) “Do I understand the causes of my pain and suffering? Do I understand that I need to treat it gently with love? It is part of me right now.”

6) ” I may need to learn better patience in dealing with my own pain and suffering. These conditions will pass in time.”

7) “What wise-mind skills can I use to prevent the prolongation of my suffering into secondary suffering?”

When Pain and Suffering Lead to Anger:

When we see other people as the causes of our pain and suffering, anger may follow. In making contact with your anger (in thoughts, words, sensations, emotions, and actions), it is wise to utilize vipassana methods to recognize the first conscious arisings of it. If you can connect with the earliest arising before it blooms into unhelpful thoughts, words or actions, you may be in a better position to alter this destructive emotion. See the suggestions noted below. These are practical things to practice every time you become angry. These approaches assume you have enough mindfulness abilities to use awareness with self-calming to counteract emotional dysregulation.

1) Immediately STOP the impulsivity of the anger. Curtail it in the first instance of recognizing it.

2) Loosen your jaw, and breathe deeply and calmly as you count your breaths up to twenty.

3) Work very hard to shift your thoughts to more wholesome or compassionate intentions.

4) Recognize impermanence and wait patiently until your impulsive anger has calmed.

5) Stop blaming other people for your emotional condition. Even if another person does something unkind to you, you are in charge of your emotional responses to their actions. Pain will exist in life, but suffering is not an absolute consequence from it.

6) Say a loving kindness sentence to yourself: may I be peaceful; may I be at ease; May I be safe. You may have to shift to: may she/he be peaceful; may she/he be at ease; may she/he be safe. If in a dyad, wishing good for both of you may help.

7) Focus on gratitude – note anything you possess gratitude for.

8) If appropriate, view the other person as interconnected with you. It may help to view them as one of your parents. If a parent is loving, would you want to harm her/him?

For more information refer to Gunaratana, B. H. (2009). Beyond Mindfulness in Plain English: An Introductory Guide to Deeper States of Meditation. Boston, MA.: Wisdom Publications, pp. 69-84.

By Anthony R. Quintiliani, PhD., LADC

From the Eleanor R. Liebman Center for Secular Meditation in Monkton, Vermont

Author of Mindful Happiness

CLICK HERE to Order!

Meditation at the Deepest Levels In 2007 M. A. Singer’s The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself, opened up a whole new, deeper perspective on why consciousness or pure awareness is the root of self. Even in a Buddhist “no-self” view, Singer’s inquiries leave us with a great deal to unravel. Here are some reasons why […]

More RESPECT Needed for People Being Served Recently, I read a post by William White, the well-known Recovery advocate. The post dealt with the troublesome area of language used to describe, refer to people suffering from various conditions – addictions being only one. While some may respond to his post by thinking it is simply […]

Setting Emotional Boundaries from Work to Life Anthony R. Quintiliani, Ph.D., LADC Sometimes setting emotional boundaries from the psychotherapy room to your life outside of work can be a difficult thing to do. Shifting from “experience near empathy” (Kohut), “unconditional positive regard” (Rogers), “hovering attention” (Freud), “the holding environment” in “intersubjective space” (Winnicott), and compassionate […]

How Suicide impacts Psychotherapists One of the greatest fears of psychotherapists is that one of their clients will commit suicide. Here are some common reactions of psychotherapists when one of their clients commits suicide. In some ways these reactions are sequential, but no exact concrete sequence is well documented. Here is a list to consider. […]

Relational Suffering and Buddhist Practice Recently I experienced a deep, sudden, afflictive emotional experience. This sudden and profound sense of loss was due to temporary heartbreak; the temporary heartbreak dealt with rejection from a younger woman I found to be interesting and attractive (inside and outside). My “lost” person seemed to possess all the attachment […]

Facing Addiction in America On November 17, 2016 The Surgeon General of The United States (Dr. Vivik Murthy) issued THE FIRST Surgeon General Report on our addictions problems. Since addictions in America may well be the single most threatening condition facing the nation’s health and economy, as well as casting strong doubt about a good […]

Mindfulness-Based Emotion Regulation The following emotional regulation practices (also called emotional balance skills) have been supported by over 2500 years of mindfulness training and current psychological research on human emotions. These practices/skills are to be practiced before they are needed, and directly applied when they are needed. Here is the list. 1) Practice noticing and […]

In The Dhammapada the Buddha includes an important section on the topic of happiness. How to be happy in a life of changing joy, suffering, and neutrality? How to be happy in a world of attachment/craving for desired pleasures and avoidance of all suffering? Attachment, impermanence and unhelpful experiences – all cause suffering. It is quite […]

Liberation of the True Self Socrates is reported to have noted that “the secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old but on building the new.” In Buddhism there are clear relationships between “no-self” and the force of impermanence, that reality that ensures constant change and thus personal […]

Using Mindful Movement as a Form of Meditation Practice with the Body In Mindfulness-Based Stress Reduction practices Hatha Yoga has been used as part of the recovery process from both psychological and physical suffering. In my own clinical use of mindful movement with children, youth and adults, I found that basic Qi Gong/Che Kung, Walking […]

Drink a Cup of Tea with Thich Nhat Hanh According to the article “A Perfect Cup of Tea” by Noa Jones, The Great Meditation Master offers this sage advice about the best way to enjoy a great cup of tea. I suppose if you would rather drink coffee, the same suggestions may apply. Recognize that […]

Happiness Characteristics – Post #2 Below I will note a few key characteristics of experiences and attitudes associated with happiness. Do your best to experience some of these each day – as much as is possible. Here is the first list. Being Fully Alive to Experiences – Do your best to be fully involved in […]

Finding Your Seat with Your Demons and Dragons: Resolutions You may think the creation of the Gestalt-like therapy activity of sitting in different chairs and acting “as if” the you in that personality-chair is the source of your responses is a relatively new psychotherapy intervention. However, some roots of this process may go back as […]

Attitudes of Gratitude Thoughts and Applications M. J. Ryan presents some interesting practices in the book, Attitudes of Gratitude (1999). Here are some ideas. Hope you will practice some of them soon. As The 14th Dalai Lama and Thich Nhat Hanh suggest, we should always appreciate the preciousness and miracle of human life – our own life no matter what […]

Mindful Movement as Part of Practice Mindful movement is an accepted part of regular practice. Such practices as walking meditation, more vigorous yoga asanas, qi gong, and tail chi are all part of this respected mindfulness tradition. Here I will introduce you to a very simple pre-meditation movement sequence. Hope you practice it very soon. […]

Mindfulness and Concentration – Experience Differences In this post I will explain some basic differences between mindfulness and concentration, both of which are required for effective meditation practice. This will be the first of three posts dealing with what mindfulness and concentration are, how to experience them briefly in a body-based activity, and how to […]

Self-Medication: Is Your Hand-Held Device a Dopamine Device? Mindfulness Activities: Here is a simple activity that may inform you about your personal level of addiction to your digital/electronic devices. Simply click the link below to download the PDF Worksheet; answer each question according to your personal opinions. Dr-Anthony-Quintiliani_HandHeldDeviceActivity Be sure to complete the meditation activity […]

Preverbal Trauma – Therapy Problems A. R. Quintiliani, Ph.D., LADC Preverbal trauma (hereafter PVT) is one of the most pervasively troubling human conditions. PVT occurs when a preverbal child is exposed to parental, caretaker, or other forms of abuse. This abuse may be sexual, physical, or emotional. This form of abuse is so destructive because […]

Self-Care as Ritual Self-care for Americans is often considered a luxury. Due to our technological demands and addictions (Demons as they are), and the slow slipping of our economic structures, we are often at the mercy of the bottom line at work. Over-paid CEOs and CFOs and their many assistants eat up so, so much […]