Mindful Happiness

Anthony Quintiliani, Ph.D, LADC

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Strategies to Cool Your Hot Emotions

Strategies to Cool Your Hot Emotions: Using Mind and Body

First, let me note that one of the best sets of mind-body approaches to cooling down hot emotional reactions can be found in the various emotion regulation skills and practices in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (created by Marsha M. Lineman, a practicing Buddhist).  These skills may be better suited for informed therapist coolyourhotemotionsthan the lay public; however, the skills have been proven to be effective so all parties may benefit from practicing them. A less complex list includes many of the suggestions noted below.

  1. Drink lots of cold, pure water.
  2. Splash very cold water on your wrists and face (dive response).
  3. Move your body – sit if standing, and stand if sitting; walk if still, and be still if moving. Moving your body changes your internal physiology thus perhaps changing your emotional reactivity.
  4. Practice slow, deep abdominal breathing to calm down.
  5. Cry if it helps, especially if you are about to activate an aggressive action urge.
  6. Since emotional reactions happen quickly, learn how to use interoception as a way to become aware of inner body sensations that lead to related emotional behaviors.
  7. Practice befriending your emotional reactions by being curious about them and caring for them gently as if a newborn baby.
  8. Practice compassion and self-compassion when interpersonal conflicts lead you to emotional dysregulation.
  9. Do your best to STOP, pause for a moment to see if that helps.
  10. Practice RAIN skills- recognize, analyze, investigate, and realize it is not you just emotions. Thoughts and emotions may/may not be about reality. Since these steps are highly cognitive, they may bring control back into your executive brain and away from your limbic system.
  11. Practice being your own best friend. What would you suggest your best friend should do in such a situation. Again, thinking may restore frontal executive brain control.
  12. Know your limbic brain system, which overreacts almost all of the time. The best way to do this is to become more mindful about your emotional reactions. Study them!
  13. Do more meditation, yoga, and exercise! If you practice 20 minutes or more a day, you may not need the other skills above.

For more details refer to Lineman, M. M. (1993). Cognitive-Behavioral Treatment of Borderline Personality Disorder. New York: Guilford Press.  See also Nelson, K. October News. Retrieved 10-27-16.  Smiechowski, J. A Quick Way to Cool Heated Emotions. Easy Health Options. Retrieved 10-26-16.

By Anthony R. Quintiliani, PhD., LADC

From the Eleanor R. Liebman Center for Secular Meditation in Monkton, VermontChiYinYang_EleanorRLiebmanCenter

Author of Mindful Happiness  

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Practical Actions for Overcoming Anger

Overcoming the Hindrances of Ill-Will and Aversion

Although regular daily practice and sincerely following of The Eight-Fold Path in one’s life may be the best ways to overcome various mindful-happiness-eightfold-pathhindrances, there may be some additional practical suggestions to consider on the path.  We will begin our discussion with common human pain and suffering; we will end the post with skills for dealing more effectively with anger.  When we experience suffering in conditions that include other people as causes, we may project our painful experience as anger against them.   Blame is the great triangle of hopelessness; if we can blame another person for our suffering, we disavow any need to change our own behaviors (thoughts, words, and actions). Causes of pain lead to pain, but pain does not always need to lead to personal suffering.

Human Pain and Suffering:

We humans are here on earth for many reasons.  However, no matter what container you place your experiences into, the experiences tend to fall into three general categories: neutrality/boredom, joy/happiness, and pain/suffering.  The next time you experience serious pain and suffering, try talking TO it.  If you like “self-talk” better as a description of this process that is fine.  Here are some things you could say to yourself.

1) “Pain is inevitable, but suffering does not always have to follow.”

2) “Neither pain nor suffering are new to me.  I have experienced them in the past, and I realize they are impermanent.”

3) “To better understand my pain and suffering I need to pay close attention to them. It is MY pain and suffering”

4) “Is it possible that I may be responsible for some of the suffering if not the pain?”

5) “Do I understand the causes of my pain and suffering?  Do I understand that I need to treat it gently with love? It is part of me right now.”

6) ” I may need to learn better patience in dealing with my own pain and suffering. These conditions will pass in time.”

7) “What wise-mind skills can I use to prevent the prolongation of my suffering into secondary suffering?”

mindfulhappiness_Mindfulness

When Pain and Suffering Lead to Anger:

When we see other people as the causes of our pain and suffering, anger may follow.  In making contact with your anger (in thoughts, words, sensations, emotions, and actions), it is wise to utilize vipassana methods to recognize the first conscious arisings of it.  If you can connect with the earliest arising before it blooms into unhelpful thoughts, words or actions, you may be in a better position to alter this destructive emotion.  See the suggestions noted below.  These are practical things to practice every time you become angry. These approaches assume you have enough mindfulness abilities to use awareness with self-calming to counteract emotional dysregulation.

1) Immediately STOP the impulsivity of the anger.  Curtail it in the first instance of recognizing it.

2) Loosen your jaw, and breathe deeply and calmly as you count your breaths up to twenty.

3) Work very hard to shift your thoughts to more wholesome or compassionate intentions.

4) Recognize impermanence and wait patiently until your impulsive anger has calmed.

5) Stop blaming other people for your emotional condition.  Even if another person does something unkind to you, you are in charge of your emotional responses to their actions.  Pain will exist in life, but suffering is not an absolute consequence from it.

6) Say a loving kindness sentence to yourself: may I be peaceful; may I be at ease; May I be safe.  You may have to shift to: may she/he be peaceful; may she/he be at ease; may she/he be safe.  If in a dyad, wishing good for both of you may help.

7) Focus on gratitude – note anything you possess gratitude for.

8) If appropriate, view the other person as interconnected with you.  It may help to view them as one of your parents. If a parent is loving, would you want to harm her/him?

For more information refer to Gunaratana, B. H. (2009). Beyond Mindfulness in Plain English: An Introductory Guide to Deeper States of Meditation. Boston, MA.: Wisdom Publications, pp. 69-84.

By Anthony R. Quintiliani, PhD., LADC

From the Eleanor R. Liebman Center for Secular Meditation in Monkton, VermontChiYinYang_EleanorRLiebmanCenter

Author of Mindful Happiness

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