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Anthony Quintiliani, Ph.D, LADC

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December 31, 2019 By Admin

Behaviors People Display When in Groups

Behaviors People Display When in Groups

After more than 35 years of facilitating hundreds of classes, workshops, family therapy sessions, group therapy sessions, and work project groups it has become clear that we do some strange things when we participate in groups. It appears to me that many of these in-group functions serve both ego and limbic needs. Yes, our prefrontal brain and our lower brain regions (limbic and rewards) play important (if outdated) roles in how humans function in group settings. Here I will simply list a sampling of such behaviors.  Many of these behaviors need to be observed, assessed, utilized, and sometimes addressed  if a group leader/facilitator/therapist will be successful. Here is the short list of what to observe and use.

  1. Underlying messages and beliefs signaled by behavior and/or facial/emotional expression;
  2. Patterns of communication within the group, both verbal and nonverbal;
  3. Emotional acting out as process or diversion;
  4. Sub-group alliances, both short-term and long-term;
  5. Behavioral changes when the make up of group members change;
  6. The way social and emotional influence are used;
  7. How personal power is used;
  8. Patterns of activity – acting out/ acting in, etc.;
  9. When silence dominates;
  10. Patterns of hostility, cooperation, compassion, caring, etc.;
  11. Possible hidden agendas;
  12. Possible secrets between members;
  13. The openness and closeness of the group and its process;
  14. The power of truth in what is shared and shown;
  15. How people look at each other, and how they address each other;
  16. Self and other oriented talking;
  17. How blame is used;
  18. Willingness to allow others to speak for you – or not; and,
  19. Consistent roles people tend to play.

Although this is a partial list, the best solution is the same: speak truth; share power; protect group process; protect others; do no harm; deeply listen with all your senses; be as kind as possible; be as compassionate as possible; and do your best to help the group achieve its goals. For an interesting view of this process (one based on human doubt), see Abblett, M. (2018). The Five Hurdles to Happiness and the Mindful Path to Overcoming Them. Boulder, CO: Shambhala Publications, pp. 170-218.

Anthony R. Quintiliani, PhD., LADC  

From the Eleanor R. Liebman Center for Secular Meditation in Monkton, Vermont and the Home of The Monkton SanghaChiYinYang_EleanorRLiebmanCenter

Author of Mindful Happiness  

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New Edition of Mindful Happiness in Production…Coming soon

Filed Under: ANTHONY QUINTILIANI, Behavior, Featured Tagged With: BEHAVIORS IN GROUPS, MINDFUL HAPPINESS

December 24, 2019 By Admin

Journaling and Grief Process

Journaling and Grief Process

Regular brief journaling may be helpful in your grief and horror regarding significant personal losses of self and/or others. Here are the various ways it may be helpful to you.

  1. Writing and reading about your personal loss experience may help you to make sense of the process, and at the same time guide you gently on that path.
  2. Journaling may open up past and present realities – both positive and negative – about your loss experience.
  3. At times anger, resentments, and regrets will come up. These realities open you up to the depth of the grief experience. Do not linger too long there!
  4. S. Kierkegard reminded us that our lived experiences are processed forwardly, but better understood if observed backwards. Journaling helps to focus us on the present but never lets go fully of the past.
  5. It may be important to you to make your personal journal more balanced with both negative and positive experiences. For example, it may be helpful to list all simple pleasures you experienced in any given day. It may also be a good idea not to linger emotionally too long when such experiences trigger negative states.
  6. I have always found it helpful to list my personal gratitudes, even in the midst of painful loss and suffering. It is not uncommon for the most valued experiences to be linked with the lost love-object and your shared life.
  7. If fear and trepidation occur as you move through the grief process, I suggest that you break down the scary moments into smaller, more manageable periods of time, space, and emotions.
  8. Pay attention to and write about both helpful and unhelpful thoughts, emotions, behaviors, and sensations related to your grief process. Be aware keenly of small improvements in all.
  9. You may notice that as you slowly heal you spend less time journaling. This is natural.
  10. You may wish to do “grave worship” practices, or simply write many good things about the lost person.
  11. V. Frankl noted that when we cannot change the reality of a situation, we may have to change ourself.
  12. When you find yourself crying over your loss, that is a very good time to contemplate and do journaling.
  13. Reading related poetry or writing your own may help you.
  14. If and when you experience the emptiness of the void inside, do your best to find words for the experience. And, work to fill that void by re-engaging with your life as it is now.
  15. It is always a good idea to develop and practice personal rituals about your healing. Write about this in your journal.
  16. S. Becket reminded us that we must go on! As painful as it may be, we cannot stop the process.
  17. As P. Chodron noted, we must allow it all to fall apart before we can find the resilience to face what comes next. In most situations, what comes next is slow improvement in your emotional condition.
  18. Rest in peace with your breath, and do more meditation or yoga if that suits you well.
  19. You may wish to visit optionb.org or other sites that support grief work.

Refer to Sandberg, S. and Grant, A. (2017). Option B: Facing Adversity, Building Resilience, and Finding Joy. New York: A. A. Knopf, pp. 58-76.

Anthony R. Quintiliani, PhD., LADC  

From the Eleanor R. Liebman Center for Secular Meditation in Monkton, Vermont and the Home of The Monkton SanghaChiYinYang_EleanorRLiebmanCenter

Author of Mindful Happiness  

Mindful Happiness cover designs.indd

New Edition of Mindful Happiness in Production…Coming soon

Filed Under: Activities, ANTHONY QUINTILIANI, Calming, Coping, Crisis Resilience Skills, Emotions, Featured, Gratitude Meditation, Grief, Holiday Coping, Inner Peace, Journal Writing, Learning, Letting Go, Meditation, MIndfulness, MIndfulness Activities, Mourning, Natural Healing, Self Care, Spiriuality, Stress Reduction Tagged With: ANTHONY QUINTILIANI, GRATITUDES, GRIEF PROCESS, JOURNALING, MINDFUL HAPPINESS, RESILIENCE

December 18, 2019 By Admin

How to Offer Personal Tribute to Those Who Have Died

How to Offer Personal Tribute to Those Who Have Died

The Four Noble Truths tell us sobering news. There is suffering, and impermanence of all things including us and our loved ones. Below I have listed several thing you can do to HONOR a person you have lost.  Here is the list.

  1. Recall a special time before or at the time of death, and consider it a sacred place in space and time. Honor it and the person with the complete softness of your loving heart.  Do this now if you wish to.
  2. Pray for the person you have lost – and the goodness in that lost relationship.  You can do this if you are agnostic, even atheist. The prayer is to honor the loved person not to one of many gods.
  3. Go to your soft, suffering heart and fill it with joyous remembrances of your time with the person. Yes, the person has moved beyond; however, your internal and emotional memories are quite vibrant. They have made a special place for them self in your soul.
  4. You can carry this to a deeper level by seeing and touching special objects that belonged to the deceased.  Or, you can set up a small shrine in your home to pay respect and honor whenever you wish to do so.
  5. Know that the deceased person would want you to recall your joy, so light up your senses and recall in mild meditative state the pleasant and happy experiences you both shared.  If something happened with them that made you laugh, go there! This is what they wish for you.
  6. Listen to the music the lost person enjoyed, or read something inspirational.
  7. Think carefully of all the ways you could say goodbye again. Do it now if you wish to.
  8. Recall the smile on their face, and smile back. You may be surprised at how powerful this experience may be.
  9. Dedicate meritorious behavior to them. If you wish, set up some special program or fund to champion causes they cared about. The financial level is far less important than the emotional level of actually doing something.
  10. Write a special tribute about them in a journal. Write often, and read what your have written again and again.
  11. Lastly, work carefully to discover some ways to celebrate that person’s life and your relationship. Celebrate often and be calm within the warmth of your love.

For more information refer to Reoch, R. (1997). To Die Well: A Holistic Approach for the Dying and Their Caregivers. New York: Harper. See also Holecek, A. (2013). Preparing to Die: Practical Advice and Spiritual Wisdom from the Tibetan Buddhist Tradition. Boston: Snow Lion, pp. 312-314.

Anthony R. Quintiliani, PhD., LADC  

From the Eleanor R. Liebman Center for Secular Meditation in Monkton, Vermont and the Home of The Monkton SanghaChiYinYang_EleanorRLiebmanCenter

Author of Mindful Happiness  

Mindful Happiness cover designs.indd

New Edition of Mindful Happiness in Production…Coming soon

Filed Under: ANTHONY QUINTILIANI, Compassion, Coping, Death, Deep Mindfulness, Featured, Gratitude Meditation, Grief, Letting Go, Meditation, Mourning, Rituals, Self Care, Spiriuality, Tributes Tagged With: HONOR, LOVING, OFFERINGS, PRAYER, TRIBUTES

December 1, 2019 By Admin

Quasi Self-Hypnotic Pain Relief

Quasi Self-Hypnotic Pain Relief

To be successful in this intervention you will have to let go of ego-based defensiveness and remain quite focused for quite some time. These are not easy things to do. DO NOT do this intervention if you are feeling highly vulnerable at this time, or if you are not working with a well-trained and experienced psychological health care provider.  If you are in therapy this might be a good intervention to do with your helper, that is if your helper feels confident and competent with this level of clinical intervention.  This is a long intervention, so it may be helpful to have your helper read the instructions to you. It may be a very good idea to share this with your healthcare provider/s to see if they think you should or should not do this intervention. It is quite OK to beak this intervention down into a couple shorter experiences. Here we go!

  1. While lying down in a comfortable positions complete several long, slow, deep breaths.
  2. Take another long, slow, deep breath; this time hold the exhalation to the count of 4-5.
  3. Close your eyes and be very gentle with yourself. Just rest and breathe calmly.
  4. For the next few minutes use conscious distraction to pay close attention to places in your body where you are not experiencing physical or emotional pain and suffering.  Focus strongly on the absence of pain.
  5. Now make an image of either a safe or happy place from your life experience. Do your best to expand the details of this image (colors, people, places, things, etc.). DO NOT get stuck in wishing for this experience again. Simply be with the experience and remain positively focused. If “poor me” sets in, the rest of this intervention will most likely not be helpful.
  6. Now take a closer analysis of the safe or happy place: What were you thinking? What were you feeling? What were you doing?
  7. In that happy or safe place in your imagination, notice what your senses were doing: What did you see? What did you hear? What did you feel? Were there any specific tastes or smells associated with the pleasant experience? What was your interoception like (internal feelings and sensations)?
  8. Now shift into trying imaginal numbing of the painful area of your in-body suffering. You may use an ice-pack to assist this process (no more than 15-20 minutes, never directly on your skin, and never if you have been told not to use ice).
  9. Now note the quasi-hypnotics. As you change the imagined shape of the pain, what do you notice? As you change the shape again, what do you notice? Now work on the size (larger or smaller, whichever feel better). As you work on the size, imagine your favorite color over the painful area and notice. As you notice the color, also notice if pain is more/less in the center of the area or on its periphery. Working from the center or the periphery, notice where the pain or suffering subsides. Where is that place? Be there! Concentrate!
  10. As you move on from these imaginary manipulations, bring your spiritual self to act on your behalf. Allow! Allow your spiritual self to support you in the reduction of your pain/suffering.
  11. Shift gently to any helpful relationship you now have or did have in the past. If in the past DO NOT lament; instead use the power of caring from that experience to support yourself here now. See the positive person.
  12. Now do your best to combine the image of the caring person’s face with your happy or safe place experience. This means you are sharing it with them, and that your memory will allow them to help you.
  13. Say “As I visit my safe/happy place I notice I am feeling less pain.”
  14. Say “As I feel slightly less pain, I notice I am feeling emotionally stronger.”
  15. Say “As I feel emotionally stronger, my sensation of pain is reduced.”
  16. Say “As I notice these improvements, I smile deeply to myself.” Smile now! Smile deeply!
  17. Say “As I smile and focus on my facial feelings, I feel less pain sensations.”
  18. Say “As I feel less pain sensations, I notice gentle, glowing white light all over my body.”
  19. Say “As I notice this healing white light, I also notice feeling less pain.”
  20. Say “As I experience the healing white light and less pain, I feel happier.”
  21. Say “As I feel happier, I breathe more freely and notice pain leaves my body on each of my exhalations.”
  22. Say “As I continue to breathe myself out of pain, smile, and feel more happiness – I feel less pain.”
  23. Now simply rest and smile – breathe in a self-loving manner. Let the pain leave on each exhalation. Just be there! Use the power of your mind to assist you.
  24. After a few minutes you can end and leave your lying position.
  25. You may want to keep a pain-reduction journal – note only positive changes in your efforts. Read the entries again later.
  26. I hope you found this helpful. May you be free from suffering – free from pain! Love yourself more!

Anthony R. Quintiliani, PhD., LADC  

From the Eleanor R. Liebman Center for Secular Meditation in Monkton, Vermont and the Home of The Monkton SanghaChiYinYang_EleanorRLiebmanCenter

Author of Mindful Happiness  

Mindful Happiness cover designs.indd

New Edition of Mindful Happiness in Production…Coming soon

Filed Under: Chronic Pain, Featured, Self Hypnosis Tagged With: CHRONIC PAIN RELIEF, SELF HYPNOSIS

November 28, 2019 By Admin

Approaches to Treating Chronic Pain Anthony R. Quintiliani, Ph.D., LADC

Approaches to Treating Chronic Pain

Chronic pain is one of the most common and costly physical conditions in the United States. The following approaches have proven to be somewhat effective in reducing personal suffering from chronic pain. Although some of these can be practiced on your own, it is wise to work with a pain specialist, preferably one who does not count 100% on pain medications. Nerve, cancer, and phantom limb pain may be more difficult to improve. Always be cautious when self-administering any pain intervention. Some of the same interventions may also help to reduce psychological/emotional pain; this may be true as an integrated aspect of pain or as a stand-alone condition. Emotional pain and suffering is often associated with aggravated physical pain.  Here is the list. If you are unfamiliar with these, you may need to Google them. Google Professionals may be more helpful.

  1. Cognitive distraction techniques
  2. Mediating self-talk
  3. Safe place imagery
  4. Happy place imagery
  5. Shifting perceptual attention away from the pain
  6. Changing sensory perception about the pain – for example, what does the pain look like, smell like, etc.
  7. Specific meditation and yoga interventions
  8. Noticing very small changes in perception of pain via changing locations in the body or in and outside of painful areas
  9. Intense focused attention on sensory objects around you – outside of you
  10. Guided visualization
  11. Imaginal numbing
  12. De-centering skills – MBCT
  13. Muscular relaxation skills
  14. Conscious dissociation (difficult to do)
  15. Regular practice of sensory manipulation of the painful area – size, location, shape, color, localization, density, temperature , etc.
  16. Use of Wolpe’s Subjective Units of Discomfort Scale – from 1 to 100 how bad is the pain before and after doing interventions?
  17. Use of Quintiliani’s Subjective Units of Pleasure Scale – from 1 to 100 how much does the pan improve after interventions? This scale may best fit safe place and happy place interventions.
  18. Skilled chiropractic and/or physical therapy
  19. Last caution: Pain in any form is not something to play around with; best to work with a trained and experienced professional.
  20. This post will be followed by one that deals with suggestive and quasi-hypnotic interventions in pain.

 

Anthony R. Quintiliani, PhD., LADC  

From the Eleanor R. Liebman Center for Secular Meditation in Monkton, Vermont and the Home of The Monkton SanghaChiYinYang_EleanorRLiebmanCenter

Author of Mindful Happiness  

Mindful Happiness cover designs.indd

New Edition of Mindful Happiness in Production…Coming soon

Filed Under: Chronic Pain, Emotional Pain, Featured, Psychological Pain, Quintliani's Subjective Units of Pleasure Scale Tagged With: CHRONIC PAIN, EMOTIONAL PAIN, PSYCHOLOGICAL PAIN

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