Mindful Happiness

Anthony Quintiliani, Ph.D, LADC

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Setting Emotional Boundaries from Work to Life

Setting Emotional Boundaries from Work to Life

Anthony R. Quintiliani, Ph.D., LADC

Sometimes setting emotional boundaries from the psychotherapy room to your life outside of work can be a difficult thing to do. Shifting from “experience near empathy” (Kohut), “unconditional positive regard” (Rogers), “hovering attention” (Freud), “the holding environment” in “intersubjective space” (Winnicott),  and compassionate awareness to emotional distancing, separation, and dispassion is no easy task. In more in-depth clinical interactions, the process of projective identification between therapist and client may drain your emotional resources; sometimes being “as if” you were the experiencer of your client’s pain and suffering can take a serious toll on your own emotional resources. At time the therapist’s own emotional life lacks the quality of connection experienced in the therapy session. Success in setting emotional boundaries is a very important self-care skill. It may determine your success, failure, joy, or misery in the clinical work you do. It will definitely prevent most case of “burn out.”

Therapists may wish to complete a brief self-care assessment at the end of each emotionally demanding day. Some things to check are as follows:

  1. Are you taking care of your own physical, psychological, spiritual, and emotional needs?
  2. Are you using mindfulness, self-compassion, clinical supervision, or journaling to get to know how you are doing?
  3. Are you valuing yourself enough regarding self-rewards, positive self-talk, cognitive and behavioral restructuring?
  4. Are you giving yourself time to experience some form of creativity?
  5. What about your spiritual self?
  6. Do you spend quality time in nature, among the awe of it all?
  7. Are you involved in the type of quality relationship you desire?
  8. Be sure to act on your own behalf if you find problems in the above areas.

Another very powerful process is to develop improving self-compassion for yourself, often blurring the inner boundaries of your own emotional life experience and the clinical work you do. Therapists are, in the end, only people with a set of specific helping skills. We suffer just like other people do. Hopefully, our training and experience have given us a bit of a positive edge here. Here are some things you may wish to consider to improve your own level of self-compassion.

  1. Using mindful awareness, observe the level and intensity of your self-criticism.
  2. Let go of personal resistance to being real, being your true self.
  3. Get out of your head! Get out of the past!
  4. Do loving kindness meditation often.
  5. Recognize your own difficult emotions (shame, anger, revenge, trying to control others, etc.), and simply be with them as a sacred part of who you are and be real about it. Use emotion regulation to improve things.
  6. Practice much more self-appreciation.
  7. Do not dwell on the pain and suffering of your past. All that stuff probably made you a stronger person.
  8. Welcome and LOVE all of you, with special attention to the sacred quality of your own life suffering.
  9. When you experience or re-experience anxiety, depression, addictive behaviors, or trauma – hold an open, soft heart for it.  Then make changes to improve your life experience.
  10. Always get help when you need it, and do your best not to dwell on what you have little control over.
  11. Be certain too make changes to improve self-compassion regarding any problem areas above.

Fo more information refer to Norcross, J. C. and VandenBos, G. R. (2018). Leaving it at the Office: A Guide to Psychotherapist Self-Care. New York: Guilford.  Neff, K. and Germer, C. (2018). The Mindful Self-Compassion Workbook: A Proven Way to Accept Yourself, Build Inner Strength, and Thrive. New York: Guilford.

Anthony R. Quintiliani, PhD., LADC

From the Eleanor R. Liebman Center for Secular Meditation in Monkton, Vermont and the Home of The Monkton SanghaChiYinYang_EleanorRLiebmanCenter

Author of Mindful Happiness  

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New Edition of Mindful Happiness in Production…Coming soon!

 

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Practicing Interoceptive Meditations Anthony R. Quintiliani, Ph.D., LADC

Practicing Interoceptive Meditations

Anthony R. Quintiliani, Ph.D., LADC

The mindfulness-based process and intervention of interoception (also called neuroception) has slowly moved from meditation practice into clinical practice, now being part of the recommended MBSR, ACT, and more current CBT-based therapies. The three brief meditations below are presented to expand the use of interoceptive processes in therapy practice. They are presented in very brief form, so slow down the work when using these in your therapy practice. Rather than repeating the introductory process, I will note it here. Be sure to use it in each meditation.

Begin with the following for all three meditations;

  1. Place your body into a calm and comfortable sitting or lying position.
  2. Breathe slowly and deeply for at least ten breaths. Extend the exhalation for the last three breaths.
  3. Use your imagination energy to recall a time when you were in bright, warm sunlight – feel this warmth on your skin right now. Using imagery of that time and place may be helpful here. Without thinking, just feel it.

Warm Hands Meditation

  1. While sitting comfortably, rub your hands together quite vigorously until you can feel heat in your palms.
  2. Place your warm hands on your cheeks with some pressure, and allow the warmth to penetrate into your face.
  3. Not working too hard at this, slowly and compassionately move the sensation of warmth through your body – face, neck, shoulders, arms, hands, torso, upper legs, lower legs, both feet – all the way to your toes. Do not at all be concerned about if you are doing this correctly. Simply use your personal strong intention.
  4. Rest calmly in the remembered-warmth of your sun-experience and your inner power of warm self-sensation.
  5. Rest in your personal, warm power and allow self-healing to occur.  Use your personal power NOT your thoughts.

Warm Heart Meditation

  1. Repeat step #1 from the above meditation.
  2. Place your warm hands crossed over your heart, and notice the sensation of penetrating warmth.
  3.  Consciously open up your heart chakra, feeling gentle and warm vibrations. Allow them to spread out.
  4. Allow this inner experience of sensation to kindle self-love for yourself. DO this now.
  5. Just BE you; sit there with this experience and appreciate who/what you are right here now.
  6. Do not worry at all if you are doing this correctly.  Just be with your interoceptive sensations and feelings.

Inner Warmth of Self-Healing Meditation

  1. Repeat the meditation above, and spend some time and energy intensifying the warmth if possible.
  2. Now simply and effortlessly move the warmth to any specific place in your body that needs healing.
  3. Do not think about this, just be with the experience and ALLOW it.
  4. Do not concern yourself abut whether or not you are doing this correctly. No thinking, just feeling.

You may wish to practice post-meditation journaling after you complete these three brief meditations.

These meditations were inspired by meditations lead by Thich Nhat Hanh at a Norwich University(VT) retreat and by CBT-mindfulness research at the University of California San Diego Medical School in 2017 and 2018. Refer to W. J. Sieber’s supervisory work.

Anthony R. Quintiliani, PhD., LADC

From the Eleanor R. Liebman Center for Secular Meditation in Monkton, Vermont and the Home of The Monkton SanghaChiYinYang_EleanorRLiebmanCenter

Author of Mindful Happiness  

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New Edition of Mindful Happiness in Production…Coming soon!

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Liberation of the True Self

Liberation of the True Self

Socrates is reported to have noted that “the secret of change is to focus all of your energy, not on fighting the old but on building the new.” In Buddhism there are clear relationships between “no-self” and the force of impermanence, that reality that ensures constant change and thus personal dissatisfaction as a norm.  In the lived experiences of our psychological turmoil we humans do the utmost to direct our energy to obtaining what we want (attachment, desire, craving) and avoiding as much pain and suffering as possible. Our endless effort to obtain material and status goals for some form of inner security against the world repeatedly leads us to struggle, fear, and loss – suffering. Our cognition, emotion, behavior and sensory contact with all phenomena are fully engaged in evaluation of everything: did I get what I wanted and avoid suffering for now or not? This is the hedonic treadmill of lived attachment and avoidance. Cognitive-Behavioral analytics ends up in the same place over and over again: short-term pleasure (getting what I want for now)  and longer-term suffering  (fear of losing it or being involved in more emotional pain).  This state of constant seeking (how many “likes” do I have?) tricks us into thinking that this time, it will work. We seek safety, security, and various forms of wealth; we expect to achieve these goals and to avoid as much suffering as possible. This is impossible, since the seeking and attaching itself eventually causes more personal suffering. We humans have very short memories when it comes to the realities of pleasure and pain, happiness and suffering. Our emotional striving to be perfect and get ahead often leave us with just more desire.  The sad fact is that no matter how successful we are in accumulating all the goodies, we tend to continue our suffering sometimes in different forms.

A possible solution to consider for liberating yourself from the merry-go-round of life’s seeking and avoiding is to practice intensive, regular deep meditation and yoga. Through these regular/daily practices you will, indeed, confront yourself and perhaps open a pathway to spiritual freedom. You may liberate your true self in the process. Narrowly focus on your consciousness – the mirror of your true self.  It does not change even when the content of experience does change. Become your observing self in a state of pure awareness without judging or evaluating. In the evolutionary process, clinging is one of the most primal actions. The “vapor of thoughts” along with strong attachment clinging causes our norms to be related to our false self – with its entitlement, feeling special as a defense, greed, anger, even hatred.  Just STOP all of this process as much as you can; focus on who/what you are at the deepest most spiritual levels. Who am I is the eternal and most important question. As you meditate and do yoga, concentrate on radically accepting everything that has happened to you and may still be happening to you.  This does not mean stand by and allow yourself to be abused by cruel people; however, it does mean to pay very acute attention to what experiences trigger your ego-defenses and negative reactions in thoughts, emotions, and behaviors. How much control over your emotions are you willing to give up to other people?  Radically accept as a norm, do your asanas, meditate often, allow your true self to “let go” of the false self”s ego and superego demands. Pursue spiritual practices, be compassionate and generous, and live the life your true self desires for you. This is a life of more inner peace, even tranquility, more happiness, less competition, more love, and DOING good for others. This path is difficult in our materialistic world. The fruits of your efforts will be gratifying! If you practice, you will discover the truth about being a happier, more lovable person.

If you are not satisfied with the outcomes from your efforts here are three more things to practice. When you become entangled in the ego defenses of your mind, use the Buddha’s “best friends.” Calming breath, the half smile, standing, sitting, walking or laying down all may change your neurophysiology and thus your mood and level of self-control. This will allow you better capacity to apply radical acceptance and let go of harmful  emotional reactivity.  Another approach championed by the Buddha is to gently control your second arrows.  The first arrow is when something unpleasant happens to you and there is nothing you can do about it; this is pure suffering, and it is painful.  However what you decide to have your mind, body and emotions do with the first arrow of suffering is called the second arrow.  This very sharply pointed arrow can lead to long-term, even life-long suffering about something you failed to radically accept and let go. Become an expert in perceiving the initial activity of your second arrows, and STOP as soon as possible. At this point you may apply RAIN – recognize what if happening; accept it; investigate causation; and, apply no-self or if less skilled “its not about me attitudes.” These follow-up practices should be very helpful to you in your effort to become a more calm and more happy person.

For more details see Singer, M. A. (2007). The Untethered Soul: The Journey Beyond Yourself. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications, pp. 127-137.

Anthony R. Quintiliani, PhD., LADC

From the Eleanor R. Liebman Center for Secular Meditation in Monkton, Vermont and the Home of The Monkton SanghaChiYinYang_EleanorRLiebmanCenter

Author of Mindful Happiness  

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New Edition of Mindful Happiness in Production…Coming soon!

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Calming Your Self-Critical Self with Mindfulness

Calming Your Self-Critical Self with Mindfulness

A core problem for many people is their incessant self (or other) criticism. This is a major part of our psychological mind suffering today. In the past life for most people was more difficult, so human basic needs were the energized priorities; today so many of us have been “spoiled” by having basic needs met and lingering with more time to worry about usually less important things.  Observe the number of TV ads aimed at improving how you look, or improving what others may thing about you. Note how the aim of some ads is to improve your perceived status, but not your inner reality of who you really are.Yes, looking ok, being healthy, and more importantly being happy are all important to our successful functioning. However, we tend to be dominated by limbic-brain survival mechanisms that boil down to interpersonal attraction and feeling liked by others. We ask: Am I good enough?  D. W. Winnicott may have some answers for us, and he would be more apt to focus on psychological well-being above superficial qualities – how we look, status,  etc.

Our competitive world and the American economic rat-race cause many to suffer from on-going “red ants” – what I call automatic emotionally loaded negative thoughts. Cognitive Therapy, Recovery Oriented Cognitive Therapy, Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy, Mindfulness-Based Cognitive Therapy all can help reduce our thought-caused suffering. These approaches when implemented correctly work much faster than psychodynamic methods, which tend to prolong and deepen  dependency on therapists and serve mutually self-rewarding experiences (some unconscious for therapists). All evidence-based approaches work, but how well and how fast do they work? There may be a moral question involved when a therapist uses a much slower method with outcomes that are no  better than more efficient methods. They all involve a strong therapeutic alliance and clinical relationship. That also all involve a deeper change process not simply symptom reduction.

Why do we suffer so much from our own thoughts? Why do we sometimes project our own feared or actual character flaws onto and into others? There are so many causes. It all begins with the quality of our early attachment experiences. How good was the quality of your own early attachment experience with parental before thinkers like Freud came to the same conclusion. And, what about the level of your own self-medication? Do you self-medicate to reach some short-term joy or perhaps to just feel a bit better? In self-medication we eventually learn that it just works for a brief period and almost always leads to more serious problems – addictions of all kind including to our “I-Smart” phones.  figures and other caretakers? Were you reasonably satisfied and nurtured, or were you experiencing what The Buddha called dissatisfaction with what is. Did early life experience leave you craving for what you did not receive? We seek pleasure and hope to avoid pain; The Buddha noted this 2600 years ago – way, way

Below I have listed various self-critical patterns that we human have befriended. I also note some mindful ways to counteract their unhelpful emotional effects. Sometimes is means just taking better conscious control overs our CABS – cognition, affect, behavior and sensory sensations. Other times to means learning and using regularly new skills. At times it means we need professionally competent therapeutic help to improve our lives.

Do what is needed! Here the list.

  1. Self-Devaluing thoughts – STOP and be mindful of your strengths. Use the ‘doing” of your strengths as antidotes.
  2. Feeling inadequate – STOP and recall times when you had a lived experience with success no matter how small.
  3. Deep distortion of self-disdain (even self-hate) – STOP and do your best to practice
  4. mindful self-compassion.
  5. Not being “good enough” – STOP and recognize this is a social construct of unhealthy competition. Use strengths.
  6. No spiritual self – Consider what if any spiritual practice you might explore or do more of. Being in nature helps.
  7. Feeling you do not have enough – Recognize that if basic needs have been met, it is time to work harder on higher emotional needs. Stop thinking – only if I had… then I would be happy. This is almost always untrue.
  8. Hopeless perfectionism – STOP and recognize this is also a social construct based on the projections of others, who believed they were not perfect enough. These introjects became your beliefs. There is NO perfectionism; it is totally impossible to achieve it because it does not exist. Think: I am good enough as I am now!
  9. Stuck in conditioned life (samsara) – where when you are happy you become dissatisfied because it does not last, and when you are suffering you become dissatisfied because you are not happy. Craving and trying to prolong happiness and being without happiness both lead to just more suffering. Find small things to have gratitude for.
  10. A list of more mindfulnesss-based “things” you can do to counteract automatic negative thinking and feeling: live in the present moment; stay grounded with helpful cues – things are ok; allow negative thoughts to pass – do not get hooked by them; Un-trap yourself from a painful past by living presently with what is; practice radical acceptance of what you cannot change; meditate and do yoga a lot to cultivate more inner peace; practice self-efficacy in a very conscious manner; learn and live by the Four Noble Truths; let go of your shame so you can flourish; learn and use The UCLA four step process; use cognitive disputation and reframing more and more often; DO better self-care and learn to locate and “feed” your protective dragons; ask your inner self-helper for guidance on how to be healthier and happier; seek out and learn from an ethical mindfulness mentor; if possible, practice more self-love and less self-doubt. Do more of these practices more often; I believe you will find things will improve.
  11. I realize that some of you may not be aware of some of the terms noted above, so do some good “Googling” about them. When you have a set of practices you like – practice them every single day of your life.

A helpful book to read is Brenner, G. (2018). Suffering is Optional: A Spiritual Guide to Freedom…Oakland, CA: New Harbinger Publications.

Anthony R. Quintiliani, PhD., LADC

From the Eleanor R. Liebman Center for Secular Meditation in Monkton, Vermont and the Home of The Monkton SanghaChiYinYang_EleanorRLiebmanCenter

Author of Mindful Happiness  

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New Edition of Mindful Happiness in Production…Coming soon!

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Meditating in the Gap of Nothingness

Meditating in the Gap of Nothingness

The Buddha taught about your four best friends, that is how the body changes physiology when you sit, stand, walk/move and every time you are lying down. Modern Western neuroscience now supports this statement of 2500+ years ago. Thich Nhat Hanh added the importance of your breath, walking meditation, and half-smile; these realities also change your physiology.  Jon Kabbat-Zinn added the importance of simply being present this moment, and making everything your teacher. The initial subtle changes are in anatomy and nervous tissue, then the brain takes over and the mind-body follows. So you have some very natural “best friends” to assist you in dealing with everyday challenges and suffering.

I have used regularly all of the above in my own practice. I have been especially fascinated with the power of the breath. The multitude of breathing techniques, and the ability to control my own arousal and calming with attention to changes in breath. In my years of practice I have found the quiet gap between breaths and thoughts – between all rising and falling perceptions of conscious awareness – too be especially helpful.  There is phenomena and there is the gap. As you rest in the utter silence of this special time and place, you are nearer to death than at any other time in your awakened states. There is nothing there, no movement, no breath, no life. All that exists in that quick moment is emptiness and vast boundless nothingness. Below I have noted the steps for meditating in your gap. Hope you will do this often.

  1. Sit in a comfortable meditation posture or do this while lying down on your back.
  2. Begin with a few soothing deep, long, slow breaths.  Continue!
  3. Now bring full attention to your breathing – its feel, its motion, its sensation.
  4. Just concentrate a bit on the moving breath in and out, deep and slow.
  5. Now with gentle attention notice the subtle reality of the gap between your in and out as well as you out and in breaths. The gap is in the middle way between the arising and falling of breath.
  6. You may also notice that when meditating you have thoughts; it helps to pay attention to the gap between thoughts rather than the content of thoughts. Just focus on the gaps.
  7. You may also notice that there is a gap between the arising and falling away of emotional awareness.
  8. For some finding the gap just before your ego-mind begins to evaluate an experience can be a real discovery.
  9. For some it would be helpful if you allowed the gap just before you speak harshly. Are the gap not the words.
  10. Now practice! No matter what the content is before or after the gap, ignore it all and focus only on the gap itself.
  11. No matter what comes into consciousness, just let it all go and stay with focused attention on the gap and its internal self-experience.
  12. Perhaps your gap has a color, or some depth, or some other characteristics that makes it more interesting. Just feel your attention there without judgment or evaluation of any kind. Just BE the gap!
  13. For some the gap is far away; great space and distance separates you from being in it. You just see it.
  14. If your gap is far away in the distance, does it appear as a distant and very large valley? What do you see?
  15. If your gap is close to you in space and time, are you silently being in it or moving into it?
  16. Is there silence or sound? If there is sound, what kind of things do you hear?
  17. Do you feel safe in the gap, or does it produce other feelings?
  18. Go as deep into the gap – your personal gap – as you feel comfortable with. Notice!
  19. Can you find peace, quiet, solitude, perhaps even self-love there?  Try it again!
  20. Continue your practice until you decide to stop or meditation time is over.

For more information refer to Bodian, S. (2017). Beyond Mindfulness: The Direct Approach to Peace, Happiness, and Love. Oakland, CA: Non-Duality Press/New Harbinger Publications, pp. 5-19.

Anthony R. Quintiliani, PhD., LADC

From the Eleanor R. Liebman Center for Secular Meditation in Monkton, Vermont and the Home of The Monkton SanghaChiYinYang_EleanorRLiebmanCenter

Author of Mindful Happiness  

Mindful Happiness cover designs.indd

New Edition of Mindful Happiness in Production…Coming soon!