Activities Archives - Page 3 of 16

May 5, 2017 By Admin

Mind Training Over Our Impulses

Mindful awareness of our impulses is a very important pathway to improved emotion regulation and, perhaps, more happiness in life. It can be unusually helpful to people suffering from anxiety, depression, and substance misuse. Vedana refers to the feeling tone in our body. It is one of the foundations of mindfulness in Buddhist Psychology and traditional practice. Through sense-door experiences, the mind evaluates personal experience in the body as pleasant, neutral, or unpleasant; virtually all human experiences fit into these categories. When we evaluate personal experiences as unpleasant, we tend to act more impulsively to escape from the painful feeling tone or to quickly improve it. We tell ourselves stories about “how bad it is” as we immediately work to reduce the psychic suffering. This is where so many common human problems are born; this is where we may begin habitual behaviors around eating, consuming, angering, isolating, acting out, acting in, using mind-altering substances, and greediness, etc. There are ways to reduce this kind of mindbody stuckness and misery.

With strong application of mindfulness, we can train ourselves to simply label the experience as a short-term pain or suffering. We can practice radical acceptance and wait it out without emotional and behavioral impulsive actions. Simply practice labeling negative feeling tones with words like “temporary unpleasantness.” External and internal stimuli can be calmed by labeling without storylines and escapist behaviors. You do need to conserve a bit of tolerance for the unpleasantness; as you cope better and wait out the feeling tones, you will become more skilled in coping with them. From maintaining a quality of relaxed awareness – even in the chaos of chaos – simply ask: “What is this feeling?” What is this that I am feeling? Without strong conscious evaluation, just note it as a temporary experience of living. Pain and suffering cannot beat out the reality of impermanence. Stop your storyline; stop going into the past and future; stop judging as good or bad. Simply BE fully with your feeling tone, pause, and know it will pass without you having to avoid or self-medicare it. As Rolo May and B. F. Skinner have suggested – we increase personal freedom with the skill of pausing between stimulus and reaction. Become more liberated by practicing your PAUSE, then label in a neutral manner – just wait it out. No need to avoid or to self-medicate the unpleasant feeling. This is our best HOPE to master choiceless awareness, especially when it leads to unpleasant feeling tones. Simply pause and label: “I am feeling unpleasantness in my body.” This too will pass. Try NOT to be more specific, since doing so may lead to stories and avoidance behaviors (negative reinforcement). Negative reinforcement by way of quick relief from suffering WILL cause unhealthy habits to form. The more you avoid or self-medicate painful feelings, the stronger the habit will become. This is a path to powerlessness NOT liberation. Just pause and label “I am feeling unpleasantness.” WAIT! Get stronger is your tolerance. Become a more satisfied and happier person. Just keep labeling without actions.

If you become overwhelmed with your unpleasant feeling tone, you may also want to practice loving kindness meditation as part of your training. In this case you might say the following: “May I pause. May I be free from suffering. May I be well. May I become stronger. May I liberate my mind from fear and reaction. May I be happy.” Good luck on your personal path toward liberation.

For more information refer to King, R. (March 17, 2017). Notes on – Ungripping Heart and Mind – Intimacy with Impulses. Retrieved from tricycle@tricycle.org on March 27, 2017.

Anthony R. Quintiliani, PhD., LADC

From the Eleanor R. Liebman Center for Secular Meditation in Monkton, Vermont

Author of Mindful Happiness

New Edition of Mindful Happiness in Production…Coming soon!

April 3, 2017 By Admin

Tips for Building Healthy Intimate Relationships

Building Healthy Intimate Relationships:

Intimate relationships are often the source of many years of happiness and satisfaction, and sometimes the cause of great pain and suffering. It depends! I will list various realities of initiating and maintaining a positive intimate relationship. After reading these, ask yourself: Where is my relationship? If you are unhappy, do something about it. Stay safe in the process.

Known Characteristics of Healthy Intimate Relationships:

Do your best to maintain balance between independence and dependence on each other. Decisions and related behaviors need to be mutually acceptable to avoid conflict. Too much independence, and too much dependence tend to make relationships a bit rocky at time. Work hard together to find the Middle Way here. Some mutuality is required.
Compromise and, if necessary sacrifice, to maintain a mutually happy interpersonal context. Too much entitlement and controlling behavior harms good relationships; not caring much at all about what your partner does without you may lead to the same outcome. Again, work at finding a mutual point of caring and being cared about.
Good communications skills are a necessary component of maintaining a healthy relationship. If there are communication blocks, especially when emotional issues are involved, the relationship may not work out well. Be careful of communication that is dominant and/or submissive. It needs to be effective and share qualities of equality and mutual respect.
Dominance and power inequality almost always cause close relationship to fail. If there are parts of the relationship where one party maintains strong dominance, failure is almost a predicted reality. If either party holds dominance in certain areas, this must be offset by the other party being more dominant in other areas. Balance of shared dominance is tricky, but it can work. Notice how mutuality and compromise keep coming up.
If your partner has a serious character or behavioral issue (violence or addiction for example), and you HOPE to help her/him change – good luck. Holding onto relationships with built-in ongoing conflicts, where one party has intention to help/change/fix the other are usually doomed. One person cannot control another person!
Mutuality of sexual intimacy and pleasure in the bedroom are important. Sexual pleasure as a loving act must be shared by both partners in intimate relationships.
Mentalization, or returning to an executive/cognitive focus, may be an important variable in successful relationships. This is more important when highly emotional issues arise; to prevent limbic-brain reactivity andanger, intimate partners need to retreat to their executive, cognitive, prefrontal brain power. Taking a break from complicated conversations may be helpful.
Good mindfulness skills may be important. When partners in an intimate relationship have emotional conflicts, it is important to PRESS the pause button and reflect on what is happening right now in the present moment. Try not to evaluate so much; better to observe, be fully aware, and respond carefully and effectively. Find middle ground!
Know thyself! The better you understand your own needs and preferences, the more apt you are to consider the consequences of reactive behavior. Same is true for your partner. Of course, both of you must know each other very well to help your relationship be successful in both life and love. Both of you have strengths and weaknesses acting on the relationship.
If you or your partner suffer from anxiety or depression do your best to be kind and helpful to each other. In some cases, psychological issues may lead to chronic feelings of abandonment anxiety and abandonment depression: anxiety about the possible loss of the relationship, and depression when/if you actually do lose it or part of it. Get professional help as needed.
When couples experience serious challenges to their relationship, it may be helpful to use more advanced mindfulness skills. These may include: present moment awareness, non judging, radical acceptance, tolerance, compassion/self compassion, clear seeing, RAIN practice, observing sensations and emotions w/o acting on them, and kindness. Be good to each other.
We also must contend with the realities of brain neuroscience. Three brain substances are necessary to activate certain pathways (motivation, pleasure, intimacy); these are dopamine, endogenous opioids, and oxytocin. Within intimate relationship spheres, these three often interact together and their dominant brain areas activate accordingly. We need motivation to work at the goal (a mutually rewarding relationship); we need the impact of concrete rewards for feeling pleasure and wanting more; and, we need to have empathic intimacy in relational interactions. Any malfunction of these brain pathways may cause failure in intimate relationships.
When all else fails, returning to the biblical story of Adam and Eve may be helpful (if you are a believer). They were living in the garden of eden, and Eve decided to be more assertive and pursue what she desired (attachment here). Once the deed was done (the apple was eaten), they would be banished – and by the way Eve would be blamed. Sound familiar? Adam decided to stay with her, and later after leaving Eden they had two children. One child killed the other, but they did not give up. They had a third child. Despite chauvinistic character assassination of Eve by male church leaders, they did according to the story live a happier life than one would expect.
If all else fails, and you both want the relationship last, go into couples counseling with a skilled, licensed psychotherapist.

For more information refer to Brogaard, B. (2017). On Romantic Love: Simple Truths about a Complex Emotion. Oxford, UK: Oxford University Press. See also Becker-Phelps, L. (2014). Insecure in Love. Oakland, CA: New Harbinger, and Feiler, B. (2017). The First Love Story: Adam, Eve, and Us. New York: Penguin Books. See also Azab, M. The neuroscience of wanting and pleasure. www.psychologytoday.com/blog/neuroscience-in-everyday-life/2017…Retrieved on March 27, 2017.

Anthony R. Quintiliani, PhD., LADC

From the Eleanor R. Liebman Center for Secular Meditation in Monkton, Vermont

Author of Mindful Happiness

New Edition of Mindful Happiness in Production…Coming soon!

March 30, 2017 By Admin

Helping Therapists Work with Diversity

Help For Therapists: Working with Diversity

Clinical interventions, especially strongly evidence-based interventions, impact clients via new skills and practices in mind-body clinical realities. No matter how good (or “good enough” ) a clinical intervention is it requires a highly positive, active therapeutic relationship. As ample research suggests, a strong and positive therapeutic relationship in therapy enhances client trust and courage – thus expanding their experimenting with new ways of being, thinking, and doing. A huge problem is establishing such a therapeutic relationship is the inability of some therapist to bond with diverse people – people not exactly like the therapist. Below I will present information from clinical and social psychology about
what general variables/differences to be most mindful about. This information will be noted in three categories: Universals; Group Differences; and, Individual Self-Development (within groups). If therapists practice paying more attention to some of these basic realities in their clients, the expectation is that their therapeutic relationship/alliance will improve along with their clinical outcomes.

UNIVERSALS: Here is the listing – Similar Life Experiences/History, Biological Similarities, Social Similarities, Psychological Similarities, Emotional Similarities, Self-Awareness Valences, Use of Symbols, Use of Art, Compassion and Aggression, Love and Hate, and, Differences in the Above. Noticing, being mindful of, and using these realities in therapy should improve alliance and clinical outcomes.

GROUP DIFFERENCES AND SIMILARITIES: Here is the listing – Gender, SES, Age, Geography, Race, Ethnicity, Culture, Abilities, Disabilities, Religion, Marital Realities, Sexual Orientation, Urban/Rural, Education, Environmental Exposure (good/bad), etc. Again, therapists who are highly mindful of these realities will do their best to integrate them into their work with clients. Good work here will improve the alliance and clinical outcomes.

INDIVIDUAL SELF-DEVELOPMENT: Here is the list – Genetic Transfer, Modeling Transfer, Familial Transfer, and All Non-Shared Experiences in Life. Therapist who make it a norm to differentiate carefully between individuals in therapy – and who actively use these differences in their work – will most likely experience stronger emotional ties/alliances and better clinical outcomes.

If you have not been fully conscious of using such differences and similarities in working with your clients, you may want to select a few variables and begin. Begin NOW!

For more information refer to Pomerantz, A. M. (2017). Clinical Psychology: Science, Practice, and Culture. Los Angeles, CA: SAGE Publications, pp. 69-93. See also the DSM-V emphasis on culture and diversity in treatment.

Anthony R. Quintiliani, PhD., LADC

From the Eleanor R. Liebman Center for Secular Meditation in Monkton, Vermont

Author of Mindful Happiness

New Edition of Mindful Happiness in Production…Coming soon!

March 25, 2017 By Admin

How to be Happier

How to be Happier in a Relatively Unhappy World

In today’s fast-paced, digitized, unstable world – with it uncertainty, childish tweets from on-high, and general dissatisfaction with things as they are – how may one become a happier person. It is clear that isolation will not work; it is clear that aggressive actions in opposition to others will not
work; and, it is clear that the cloud-dominated “friendships” of so many people

with their dopamine-pumping cell phones will not work. We know that pure material greed so common in America, unless you are very poor, will not work. Self-medication with alcohol, drugs, food, material gain, etc. will not work. All of these failed strategies have not succeeded in making us intrinsically happier people. In fact, instant 24-hour communications about so many negative events around the world keeps us on high-alert status. Being overly stressed-out is the new normal. Not only does this state harm our bodies via destructive body chemicals in our bloodstream and organs, but also our brain adapts (plasticity) so we become stressed more easily in the future. Part of the problem is in our brain. Our unlimited faith in the power of the cortex and frontal brain areas may be part of the problem. We cannot simply “think” our way to happiness. Our reward centers pretty much make secure, stable, intrinsic happiness impossible; we are simply waiting for the NEXT and the next “great thing” that spills dopamine in our reward circuits. This never-ending seeking of rewarding sensory pleasure (via dopamine, serotonin, endogenous opioids, and/or adrenaline has failed to bring us lasting, intrinsic happiness. Our ancient brain is also a culprit! The limbic system, with its never-ending danger system “ringing,” ringing,” and, “ringing” keeps us fearful, reactive and unstable emotionally. No wonder so few people experience stable emotion regulation in the chaos of daily life.

What is a person to do? There are some answers, but they require vigorous daily practice. To people who excuse themselves saying “I do not have time to do that” I say simply replace your unhelpful worry time with practice time. We
humans tend to worry incessantly abut things we have no control over. If this is you, radically accept that you cannot control the things you spend so much time worrying about – practice coping skills instead. Of course if your worrying leads to a practical solution, try it out. Experiment! However, this is an exception to the rule of worry. So what can a person do? Here is a list for you to try on your own or with guidance from a qualified professional.

STOP self-medicating your unhappiness with food, material things, mind-altering substances.
Every morning, begin your day with one basic happy thought.
Practice gratitude journaling or happiness journaling. What things that you now take for granted are actually pretty BIG, and NOT to be taken for granted. Did you eat today? Do have a roof over your head? Are you relatively safe? Each day list one thing in your journal. What fleeting or BIG experience made you happy today. Write it in your journal. At a future date, re-read everything you have written.
Play more calming music. If artistic, do more art work
Eat a healthy diet by staying away from the SAD diet – the Standard American Diet. Way too much fat, sugar and salt there. Also way, way too many chemicals that you are not genetically made to eat. Eat more veggies, fruits, healthy fats and sugars. Stay away from ALL fast foods! Now WebMD reports that there may be unhealthy chemicals in fast-food packaging. Cut back on alcohol and red meats. Do your best not to eat processed foods. If you can afford it, eat organic foods.
If you are plagued by Red Ants – automatic negative thoughts, learn to use cognitive restructuring skills. If you are in therapy, ask your therapist to help you. If your therapist does not know how to do so, find a better qualified therapist.
Use a helpful self-talk mantra. Say to yourself silently a repeated statement that helps you make it through the tough spots of your day. Use the same mantra; change it only if the one you created is not helping.
Place yourself on a pleasurable events schedule. Do thing you enjoy even if just for brief periods of time. Take control and do it!
Use positive imagery. Sit and make internal visual images of things that are positive in your past and present. None of these images should include self-medicating behaviors.
Do some basic exercise. Moving your body improved mood. As a minimum, walk a bit every day.
Give and try to get social and emotional support from others. Stay with caring people; get out of toxic relationships if it is safe to do so.
Cut back on stimulants: caffeine, drugs, nicotine, etc.
Work hard to be more compassionate about yourself, and spread it out by being more compassionate about others.
Try sympathetic joy rather than being jealous of what others possess.
Self-validate yourself, and catch yourself being critical. Stop it! Be a bit kinder to your self, and to others.
Laugh when possible, but never at the expense of others. Join a laughing yoga group and participate.
Practice random acts of anonymous kindness to others. While you are at it, be kind to yourself.
Learn about and DO tai chi or qi gong – ancient mindful movement practices that have potent effects on both physical and psychological (emotional) health. Again, move your body!
We humans experience joy, suffering, and boredom in life. This is natural! Practice accepting the reality of personal suffering, but work hard at NOT having “second arrow” suffering. Our “second arrow” suffering is caused by our own actions of mind and body. When we get stuck on our suffering and make it BIGGER by our thoughts, emotions, and behavior – we make the suffering worse and longer-lasting. You may need help form a mindfulness master to learn how to do this.
Get into the practice of smiling more. Facial emotions cause changes in the brain, so smile more to provide more positive feedback to your own brain.
Learn and practice relaxing and/or stimulating (if depressed) breathing techniques. Again, you may need help to learn these.
Learn and practice body scanning. Once you learn how to do this, you can access self-imposed body relaxation for the rest of your life.
Allow joy and happiness to happen, especially via small experiences in life. Savor it, but let go of attachment. The thing you are now so pleased with will change.
MOST important, begin a daily meditation or yoga practice. Daily meditation and/or yoga will provide much needed internal control and relaxation as a side-effect.
End your day at sleep time with one happy, satisfying thought.
From very early Buddhist information, know and use your “Six Best Friends.” Change your posture often: Stand, sit, walk, lay down, smile more, and practice helpful breathing techniques.
If you are suffering from serious anxiety, depression, trauma, substance misuse, or eating problems – GET PROFESSIONAL HELP NOW!
If the helper you select fails to help you improve (give them some time), fire them and find a more expert helper.
Sit down and make your own bucket list of other tings that are safe, inexpensive, and helpful to improving your mood.

For more information refer to Quintiliani, A. R. (2014). Mindful Happiness…Shelburne, VT: Vermont Voices Publications, pp. 5-19, 29-34. This publication is undergoing revision.

Anthony R. Quintiliani, PhD., LADC

From the Eleanor R. Liebman Center for Secular Meditation in Monkton, Vermont

Author of Mindful Happiness

New Edition of Mindful Happiness in Production…Coming soon!

March 16, 2017 By Admin

How to Become a Happier Person

In our culture high stress is a norm, and we compete as if our lives depended upon it. The norms of pleasant, unpleasant and neutral experiences are realistic as well as Buddhist realities. We have, do, and will suffer. We make an error in thinking that material security or luxury alone will make us happy. There is a long research tradition showing this is not true most of the time. There are many mindfulness-based skills and practices that could help to improve YOUR OWN personal happiness. You do have to do them! Practice daily even if for a few minutes; consciously do your best to extend practice time little-by-little until you reach at least twenty minutes a day. More time results in better outcomes. See the list below for ideas about what skills to practice. It is UP TO YOU. If you want to change things for the better, you need to practice daily. If you think “I do not have the time for this” experiment with replacing your daily worry time with practice time. See what happens.

Work hard to reduce any self-medication you may be doing. The self-medication results are short-term pleasure or avoidance of pain, but long-term continued suffering. This kind of behavior gets in the way of authentic happiness.
Pay more attention to positives. Even small, short thoughts about short, small positive experiences may help.
Give and get more social-emotional support. End toxic relationships if you can do so safely.
Do daily gratitude practice. Find one thing each day that you may have been taking for granted and do some deep contemplation on it as a gift worthy of gratitude. Begin with your senses; those that are woking well, are gifts to you. The functioning of your heart, lungs, legs and hands are also gifts not to be taken for granted.
Be more kind and compassionate to others. Even small acts of kindness are helpful. Expect no return on your kindness investment. Just do it to be kind.
Find some way to exercise every day – no matter how basic or short in duration. Over time, add more time.
Learn how to practice radical acceptance. If you know you cannot change something, accept it. If you think you can change it, go for it.
Practice authentic forgiveness when/if you are ready to do so. Some horrible acts cannot be forgiven, but that does not mean you have to remain trapped emotionally in the past because of them. That was then; this is now. You are older and wiser now.
If you have any form of spirituality, practice it more. If you are religious, practice it more – especially the compassion and kindness aspects of your religion.
You have suffered; you may be suffering right now. Practice self-compassion about your own suffering. Do not get stuck emotionally in it; simply acknowledge the facts and your feeling.
Use your personal strengths all the time.
Learn and practice mindfulness-based stress reduction skills.
Learn and practice loving kindness meditation. It is one of the most helpful meditation to practice.
Learn and practice vipassana meditation. Although more demanding, it may hold the keys to dramatically expanded wisdom about the true nature of things.
Practice letting go of habitual negative/critical thinking patterns. You may have negative metacognition; the patterns of your thinking may be highly unhelpful. Practice thought stopping and quickly shift cognitive awareness to more neutral (middle way) or positive thoughts. This will require lots of practice.
Trust you self; trust your gut.
Do some meditation and yoga every day. This may be helpful even if you practice for short periods of time. You may notice greater emotional self-regulation capacities.
Use your “beginner’s mind” to remain open to new learning, ideas, and skills.
Learn about and use task analysis to phase in your personal happiness practices. Begin small, and slowly expand your commitment, time, and emphasis on practicing.

For more information refer to Quintiliani, A. R. (2014). Mindful Happiness... Shelburne, VT: Red Barn Books, pp. 5-19. See also Wolf, C. and Serpa, J. G. (2015). A Clinician’s Guide to Teaching Mindfulness…Oakland, CA: New Harbinger, pp. 1-84.

Anthony R. Quintiliani, PhD., LADC

From the Eleanor R. Liebman Center for Secular Meditation in Monkton, Vermont

Author of Mindful Happiness